"Your intensity and passion

will scare away lovers", my astrologer told me two years ago, while reading my birth chart. At 22, it seemed like a death sentence. So, no chance of love relationships then, I ask her. She replies, "No, it's not that, it's just that most young people, especially your generation, are afraid to face life issues and serious things; while you just get to them while cutting away the fluff. The man you're meant to love will be someone very powerful, I can tell you that much."

I was sitting with him yesterday, eating at a Falafel joint near my home, when I began a serious conversation, punctuated by frustrated sighs, endless questions, and some piercing truths. He is afraid of bringing me close, he says. I am baffled- I appreciate his honesty, but I thought he was over that fear by now. When we love someone, do we fear them? But then, at that moment, I asked myself, "are you afraid of him?" I am not afraid of him- I am afraid of myself. My intensity, my tendency to always tell the truth, my tendency to look for answers. He is afraid of me because he doesn't trust anyone. "I do my best with you" is all I can say to him. I do not have a hidden agenda. I will not hurt him because I cannot see him in pain- let alone cause him pain. I don't say much most of the time, but I do show through my actions. I'm not good enough- not trustworthy enough? My eyes don't tell him the truth every time they well up with tears? I'm good enough to make love to, but not enough to bring close to emotionally?

I am moved to the point of tears as I remember the words that my ex fiance and my friend told me in moments of anger. I remember the hurt I felt when the man I now love left me to go back to his ex. I recount swallowing every bit of pain and transforming that energy into love that I returned to all of them and this world.

When the Little Mermaid falls in love with her prince and he chooses another princess (mistakenly believing that she saved his life), the Mermaid has a chance to save herself from dying by stabbing the prince on his wedding night with the princess. The Mermaid instead chooses to stab herself; thereby becoming an angel because her soul is purified by the depth of her love. This particular fairy tale touches my heart- I feel that I learned how to love from The Little Mermaid. Modern day feminists and most men have terms for me- "home wrecker", "insignificant other", "doormat". These names are just that-names. He states that he does love me. I believe him- I believe in him. I believe in me. I believe in love, so I have a reason to live. As much as I want to walk into the deep ocean and never look back, my resentment towards the world that has hurt me and rejected me time and time again is outweighed by my will to live and love.