This is how my uncle must have felt

during his final days- actually, much worse than what I am feeling. Going in for treatment, not knowing what the effects of it may be; not even knowing whether you'd make it past it alive. Struggling with a high (105 degree) fever for five weeks before succumbing to the killer disease.

It rankles me that we could not do anything for him, and this fever that I've had for about 6 and a half days now seems to have killed my strength and positivity. I feel so helpless, counting on the next day for the fever to at least decrease, if not subside completely. My brain and the back of my eyes burn, my esophagus hurts, I missed so many work days that I barely have any money left (just enough to pay rent next month and a few hundred more). To add to the matters, my roommate sent me the expense sheet from months ago to me today. Hopefully, when I drop my acting class tomorrow, I'll have enough funds. For the first time in years, I wonder if Krishna has turned his face away from me. I feel physically tortured by this disease; I feel mentally tortured because of life situations.

Added to this, the person I love is facing his own issues. I cannot do much to help him because I do not want to manipulate or control anyone's decisions- he needs gainful employment, but I feel that he wants to give freelancing a shot for longer. I am not needy, but there are days when I wish I woke up next to him. The desire for him is strong because I've had a taste of how sweet our relationship is; how unique it is; how lovely it is. It is like a fine wine that ages with time. I do not have to see him everyday, but it makes me so happy to lie on his chest at night. I know that it exhilarates him too- I can read his heartbeat and his eyes. But if he does not make progress professionally, it is impossible for him to become self sufficient and find his own living accommodations. I've seen him sad and depressed because of how he's stuck- and from how I see it, the best solution for this dilemma for him is to find a job, if only temporarily (for a few months). But then again, that may mean that he might get stuck in that whole job rut again. That would be a professional curse. How does one do this, are you listening, my god?

When my fever does reduce for a few hours, I try to think happier thoughts. Once I'm recovered, I want to-

-Take a proper camera and stage acting class or workshop. My art deserves it. My passion deserves it.
-Of course, ballet
-I have that camera and three lenses! Maybe someone can teach me some photography tricks?
-Money through acting- it's time to get serious about it
-Go on a picnic with goodies and sandwiches. Lay down a mat and enjoy the sun on my skin. I wish there were lakes and waterfalls around that I could bathe in.