"The liar's punishment is not that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else."
-George Bernard Shaw
Monday, June 25, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
I worry
And rightly so, because if I am not as welcome at his home, I wonder how my future offspring will fare. I want my sons and daughters to be born in a home where they receive all the love in the world and where they are always welcome.
I don't want them to ask for "permission" to visit their grandma or great grandma, as the case may be. That's what matters to me the most and if his family cannot accept me warmly, then it would cost my children a lot of family ties. I know that it will take my parents time to warm up to him if I do introduce him to them, but I know that he will be family once they accept him. I am not worried because I know that my parents will always welcome him and my kids and even his family with open arms once they get over the initial rough stages.
I don't want them to ask for "permission" to visit their grandma or great grandma, as the case may be. That's what matters to me the most and if his family cannot accept me warmly, then it would cost my children a lot of family ties. I know that it will take my parents time to warm up to him if I do introduce him to them, but I know that he will be family once they accept him. I am not worried because I know that my parents will always welcome him and my kids and even his family with open arms once they get over the initial rough stages.
People are cold here
America's a funny place- people have all the money in the world but their hearts can be incredibly small.
His mother expressed her displeasure at my staying over at his grandmothers' for a night. I understand, but at the same time, I was also hurt and I began to cry as I hung up the phone, partly because I was taken aback and partly because I realized how different cultures can be. However, it's not the cultural difference that bothers me- heck, I follow a Bohemian kind of lifestyle myself, so I do not adhere to any specific culture's practices. But I do observe them.
I appreciate his grandmother's hospitality and I genuinely love how sweet she is to me. His mother was extremely kind when she met me, so it comes as a surprise when she mentioned to him that she was not the biggest fan of my staying the night over at his grandmothers'. First of all, it's not like I do it all the time. Secondly, one of the two nights when this actually did happen, I had just returned from a trip and my home is 20 something miles from his grandma's. In the name of humanity, if nothing else, I would let a kid stay. Heck, if my son loved a woman, I'd do anything in my power to make her feel welcome and at home. In fact, my home would be her home. I made a mental note to myself to never say the same thing that his mother said to my own family or children- they would be welcome to bring home anyone they love. In the end, when I was done with my crying, I looked in the mirror, smiled and forgave his mother for being petty. I forgave myself as well for overstepping boundaries and becoming too comfortable with his grandmother too soon (What could i do? I miss my grandparents so much that when I see someone else's, I jump at the opportunity to talk to them). Life's not worth holding grudges, especially if it's your future mother in law in question. This is just be beginning.
His mother expressed her displeasure at my staying over at his grandmothers' for a night. I understand, but at the same time, I was also hurt and I began to cry as I hung up the phone, partly because I was taken aback and partly because I realized how different cultures can be. However, it's not the cultural difference that bothers me- heck, I follow a Bohemian kind of lifestyle myself, so I do not adhere to any specific culture's practices. But I do observe them.
I appreciate his grandmother's hospitality and I genuinely love how sweet she is to me. His mother was extremely kind when she met me, so it comes as a surprise when she mentioned to him that she was not the biggest fan of my staying the night over at his grandmothers'. First of all, it's not like I do it all the time. Secondly, one of the two nights when this actually did happen, I had just returned from a trip and my home is 20 something miles from his grandma's. In the name of humanity, if nothing else, I would let a kid stay. Heck, if my son loved a woman, I'd do anything in my power to make her feel welcome and at home. In fact, my home would be her home. I made a mental note to myself to never say the same thing that his mother said to my own family or children- they would be welcome to bring home anyone they love. In the end, when I was done with my crying, I looked in the mirror, smiled and forgave his mother for being petty. I forgave myself as well for overstepping boundaries and becoming too comfortable with his grandmother too soon (What could i do? I miss my grandparents so much that when I see someone else's, I jump at the opportunity to talk to them). Life's not worth holding grudges, especially if it's your future mother in law in question. This is just be beginning.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Ask and it is given
They say that when you ask for things from the universe, it delivers them to your step.
I have experienced this before, sometimes in rather mysterious ways. I then ask god today for a healthy, happy relationship. I ask for problems to resolve and for my faith in the power of the divine to become stronger. I ask for love and I ask for strength to overcome the odds. I ask for him to heal- I ask for healing myself. I ask for wisdom to take the right steps in this difficult situation. I understand now that life is always going to be difficult for me. It just means that I'll always have to struggle more than I deserve to- much more than others. That is okay, as long as I know what's in store.
I ask god to free myself from the belief that I was not good enough for him to stop his sexually deviant behavior and fantasies. I ask for understanding that this is his issue and not mine. I ask for my laughter back. I ask for peace and reassurance that things are going to be okay.
I have experienced this before, sometimes in rather mysterious ways. I then ask god today for a healthy, happy relationship. I ask for problems to resolve and for my faith in the power of the divine to become stronger. I ask for love and I ask for strength to overcome the odds. I ask for him to heal- I ask for healing myself. I ask for wisdom to take the right steps in this difficult situation. I understand now that life is always going to be difficult for me. It just means that I'll always have to struggle more than I deserve to- much more than others. That is okay, as long as I know what's in store.
I ask god to free myself from the belief that I was not good enough for him to stop his sexually deviant behavior and fantasies. I ask for understanding that this is his issue and not mine. I ask for my laughter back. I ask for peace and reassurance that things are going to be okay.
Friday, May 18, 2012
I want something from life
Our soul grows old with pain and essentially, pain is what stays with us forever. I think it carries itself over lifetimes because our soul is eternal and once it experiences a certain pain, the sadness remains.
It is difficult to comprehend that my pain, now that I've experienced it, is here to stay forever. I cannot unlearn it. I can only counter it with happiness and little joys of everyday life. I cannot forget that my ex told me that he cringed at the thought of having children with me. I attempt to make myself forget everyday that the man I love now told me that he wanted no children and only weeks later, attempted to have children with a woman who is 20 years older than me. I would make a better mother than her and I do not say this because I am arrogant. It is the truth- she makes a better businesswoman than me. I know that I will make a better mother because of my inherent capability to forgive people and to love unconditionally. For most people today, dignity is an outdated word with little value and a stuffy connotation. To me, dignity matters and I will instill my child with my values.
He decided to attempt to have a child with her because she has lots of love to give. I wish he took the time to peer into my eyes the way he peers at my body. I have been hurt by those who are closest to me. I've been injured by friends, parents, family, lovers, cousins- they've all hurt me ruthlessly, sometimes just because they did not understand me. But I still forgive everyone and my dark round eyes are full of love and compassion. Her money and her sophistication and design talent combined don't hold a candle to me and my beauty.
I want a man to recognize that love in my eyes and to tell me, explicitly, that he wants me to be the mother to his children. I will have children one day and when I hold my baby close to me, I will forgive my creator for all of life's unfairness and the sadness that I've experienced in my short tenure on this earth. Otherwise, life is meaningless and I don't mind resigning. Of course, he won't be sad that I'm gone. He's clarified that his genitals will be washed and that he will take it as my wish if I die tomorrow. No, I won't die so soon- not until I give birth to another life, anyway. I'll grind my teeth and carry on- I'll live to create life.
It is difficult to comprehend that my pain, now that I've experienced it, is here to stay forever. I cannot unlearn it. I can only counter it with happiness and little joys of everyday life. I cannot forget that my ex told me that he cringed at the thought of having children with me. I attempt to make myself forget everyday that the man I love now told me that he wanted no children and only weeks later, attempted to have children with a woman who is 20 years older than me. I would make a better mother than her and I do not say this because I am arrogant. It is the truth- she makes a better businesswoman than me. I know that I will make a better mother because of my inherent capability to forgive people and to love unconditionally. For most people today, dignity is an outdated word with little value and a stuffy connotation. To me, dignity matters and I will instill my child with my values.
He decided to attempt to have a child with her because she has lots of love to give. I wish he took the time to peer into my eyes the way he peers at my body. I have been hurt by those who are closest to me. I've been injured by friends, parents, family, lovers, cousins- they've all hurt me ruthlessly, sometimes just because they did not understand me. But I still forgive everyone and my dark round eyes are full of love and compassion. Her money and her sophistication and design talent combined don't hold a candle to me and my beauty.
I want a man to recognize that love in my eyes and to tell me, explicitly, that he wants me to be the mother to his children. I will have children one day and when I hold my baby close to me, I will forgive my creator for all of life's unfairness and the sadness that I've experienced in my short tenure on this earth. Otherwise, life is meaningless and I don't mind resigning. Of course, he won't be sad that I'm gone. He's clarified that his genitals will be washed and that he will take it as my wish if I die tomorrow. No, I won't die so soon- not until I give birth to another life, anyway. I'll grind my teeth and carry on- I'll live to create life.
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