A letter to K

I want to leave everything up to you, Krishna. I will never fear, for you are always with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

I love you so much, Krishna. I feel lonely sometimes- my fingertips get cold as I lie alone in my bed. My breath speeds up, then slows down abnormally. My heart jumps up and down, and yet, my body does not have the strength to get up. At the same time, I cannot make myself go back to sleep. I cry tears of hopelessness, until I reach that one moment when I am able to catch hold of myself and chant "Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Krishna....". It is my faith in you that keeps me going day after day.

I won't lie- there are times when I feel that everything that I believe in is just a figment of my imagination- every wish, every desire. But then, the countless times that you saved me or granted me my wishes flash in front of my eyes. I have no right to think that Krishna does not listen, I rebuke myself. I do not know your leela, my lord. As a human, I think that I have everything figured out. Foolish me! I begin to look for a pattern, a way to "solve" the problem, a way to figure out your grand plan, your leela. Little do I realize that I am too small, too insignificant, too inconsequential to even know where to begin. I return disappointed. It is my ego, my false arrogance that causes me this suffering. Can you please do me a huge favor, Krishna, and destroy these devils of my mind? They are my biggest enemies, and prevent me from taking steps to move further in my life.

I need you to keep my faith strong and unshakable. Yes, I cannot avoid suffering, but I can learn to overcome it. Perhaps this suffering is there for a reason- and that reason is that I remember you more when I suffer. I will change that, I promise. I will always pray to you and remember how you were with me in my times of need- even when the garden of my life is green again. Will you please be my teacher? Who better than you, my lord. If you're the Captain of my ship, I will surely reach the shores safe.

Your Truly,

Shreya