That's the question that I asked myself, after a producer made a sexual proposition towards me. It makes my head spin to think about it. I will never take that route to become successful. "That's fucking gross", I think to myself.
I remember what my ex wrote about me all too clearly. I am this "Marilyn Monroe" character to him- and it did make me realize that the legendary actress and I have several things in common. Sexual assault at an early age- check. Unhappy childhood- check- I grew up too fast. My ex noted that I have an ingenue charm, a combination of innocent and sexy, with an hourglass shaped body and a dark, breathy voice. Men lust after my body, but "nobody will ever stick around". I asked myself about that- I am a good person, I am patient, I am decent looking, I am somewhat intelligent, I do not demand much from people- then why is it that men only notice my body? I do not want to sound conceited, but I would be what many call a "package". Then why is love so difficult?
As per him, I am impulsive, and that is what is going led to my downfall- I am airy, I am stupid, I am naive. I trust too easily, and people dupe me and move on, leaving me broken to pick up the pieces every time. However, what he does not realize that I am very strong, and if anything, I was his support system for the 5 years that he stayed with me. He is much better off now- he's in medical school, with someone who wants what he wants. I am genuinely happy to see that- isn't that what loving someone means? I know how to love.
Why am I so sexual? Why do I feel so guilty about it sometimes? Isn't sexuality supposed to be a natural part of us? We are animals, after all.
What makes me happy?
Acting. Watching fun films and plays; Visiting new places- I descend from the gypsies- we are travellers by nature. Making people laugh- sometimes as my own expense; good food, and cooking good food for people; making new friends from all walks of life; Good sex*
*Good sex= sex with someone who means something to you, with someone you care for. The most enjoyable sexual experience I ever had was with an Italian economist from the Seattle area- but it was just that. Nothing more, nothing less. I've had better experiences than that.
What's stopping me from being happy?
Myself. There's no bigger truth than that. Wasting my time, waiting around for things to happen- it's fucking meaningless- I'm not getting any younger. Lack of movement/ stagnation- I feel trapped sometimes- I was not created to live a stable life. Not learning fast enough- I feel like I need to learn to grow. Limits- I don't like to impose limits upon myself- sometimes, I feel like I live in a parallel universe where they don't exist.
I want to retain my ability to take a leap without worrying about falling.
I am grateful for it- that's what pushes me forward everytime I fear.
Although I have traits that are similar to Ms. Monroe, I do not want to end up like her. I want certain things from this universe-
Honest, good friends. An honest, good lover- who would hopefully also be my best friend. When lovers are best friends, there is a great bond of trust between them- an unspoken understanding of sorts. That is beautiful. I hope that the next time someone puts a ring on my finger, it lasts forever.
Lovely children- one day. Even if they're not my own, I would like to nurture. I have a maternal side.
An Oscar for "Best Actress" would be wonderful. However, I can work on that myself. I'm confident that I don't need any help from any other sources for that one.
The ability to overcome obstacles.
Will I have all of the above? You bet- no doubt I will.
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