I saw the photo of the Krishna sculpture that he sent me in my email. It delighted me to get a glimpse of it, and it was not later until I wondered where he found it. It is at the Norton Museum in Pasadena, he replied. Oh, how lovely, I thought, and promised myself to visit it next week. However, I also wondered, can I take Vinitha with me? Minoti won't go to museums. My other friends are busy as well. I would probably have to go alone. Not that it bothers me to go alone, but it is always wonderful to visit a museum with someone who cares as much about art as you do.
Then, the thought struck me- he probably went with her. I do not care if he is best friends with his exes or has lunch/ dinner/ coffee/ drinks with them, or works with them. What vexes me is that this is someone who loves me and yet does not ever care to find out how much of an artist I truly am, and that I enjoy cultural experiences more than anything else. I am usually adjusted in his schedule somewhere between seeing his friends and getting some work done on the westside. He does not make love to her, but she gets to have the rest of him and his time. I love him unconditionally, and I don't expect him to reciprocate in the same way, but I deserve at least some respect and time, don't I? Do meetings always have to be over generic drinks and food? Recently, we went on a hike and to an improv show- I had fun. Why can't we have more variety? Why did he see fit to yell at me that night for inconvenience a stranger (whose car was behind mine) when I was dropping him off to his cousins' parking lot?
When I chose economics over arts, I did it for the kids and so that I would always be at least self sufficient. It does not make me any less of an artist- it just means that I am able to think rationally as well as creatively. I passed AP Art History in High School without ever having taken the class for it- I self studied and I kept up with art because I was so passionate about it.In fact, I still plan on going to art school and it is a feasible dream.
I wondered if I am paying some sort of dues here for sins committed in the past. Do I deserve less than stellar treatment because of something that I did? I painted a Ganesha over a year ago- I shed tears in front of the painting as I posed him this question, and then it hit me- I interned for that criminal defense law firm. Although not every client was a criminal, some of them were clearly murderers/ rapists. I aided in their defense. That is probably why I deserve punishment today. I wonder if I would die a brutal death as a result of my missteps- but then, I think to myself, what is worse? Living a suffocated life or dying a brutal death and getting it over with? I tried to love others, but I realize that I could not. I know that I will not be able to. I do not know what kind of stuff I am made of, but I do know that most 24 year olds would not be able to deal with these things as well as I have. I live today and I haven't given up on life yet or turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with my circumstances- that's a testament to my strength. But I get so tired sometimes, so tired of fighting. I get so exhausted being good and responsible all the time. I want to just pay my dues and then get out of here. Finito.
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