Today marks 365 days of celibacy for me. It's been a full year since anyone made love to me. He left a part of himself in me that night for the first time- how ironic. Life is such a practical joke sometime, and even though the whole cycle makes a lot of sense now, it was a painful to think then that after we engaged in such an intimate act, he felt the need to push me away. To think that he is the first and only man who I shared this experience with. To realize, after attempting to date other men after this, that I would not be able to love them the way they deserve to be loved. To run away from the bed of another man whom I attempted to date last summer, apologizing that I could not be intimate with him- or with anyone else.
Life is so funny sometimes. I had an amazing connection with my ex of five years- the physical chemistry between us was great too- good sex lasted for three years in that relationship. However, our deteriorating relationship and disagreements had a negative effect on everything. Sex sucked from age 20 onwards- when most young girls enjoyed sex, I dreaded it. It felt like a chore- I no longer felt anything. I stopped being intimate with him at 21- he moved to a different state right before my 22nd birthday and that further blocked any physical connection. The break up (at 22) was a relief. I dated others, but nothing much came of it- I was not looking for a relationship at all. I wasn't even actively looking for a relationship with this person I love now. But things felt right. Pieces fit together because we are similar in several ways and I love the differences. I do not think that we will ever tire of each other- what else can I ask for? I jones sometimes for his voice, to inhale his scent. We shared amazing moments in the four months that we spent together, and I realize that in the last four years, I've had 4 months of amazing sex. As sad as that sounds, I feel like I've conquered my lust instead of letting it conquer me. Ash Wednesday is today- Lent's coming up- here's to 30 days of no alcohol!
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