A heart of gold

I would have taken care of you to the best of my ability if I had been there in her place. But I wasn't. So I don't know if I'll ever match up to her.

I can only offer you whatever little I have. For the first time in my life, I wish for money. I never cared for material things, at least I didn't care if I had them. I never thought that it could buy love- not in my fairytale, idealistic world. I lose a lot of respect for myself and you because of this fact. I also lost a lot of respect for this world, because it puts so little value on the emotion called love.

I am not blonde and light eyed and feminine and soft and small. I'm androgynous, intellectual, cynical yet romantic, stubborn, fiery, and most importantly, strong. I'm also tranquil, ethereal, and understanding. I am an old soul at 23- it seems to me like I'll turn 44 next month. Sure, I have amazing fashion sense, without ever formally studying it- but that extends to so many fields in my case. I passed the Advanced Placement Art History Exam in high school without enrolling in the class. I studied it all myself because I was passionate about it. I did the same for accounting.You cannot capture me in a one-word definition- I am a paradox. All these qualities blended in a 5'6 body make me a very rich person- albeit not a wealthy one.

The most valuable possession that I own is a heart made of gold, that becomes purer every time it is burned. I always wish everyone well- even those who wronged me. I am above wishing bad things upon people. I wish her well- I hope she finds whatever she looks for, whatever she needs. I'm grateful to her for taking care of you. I'm glad that you are well. I hope you find whatever peace you look for that would stop you from abusing yourself, like you've been all your life. I thought that turning 30 would put things in perspective for you, but I guess it takes more than that.

Remember, you are not only hurting yourself, but also this woman, who deserves much better than someone who is stringing her along. You realize that you are not meant to be with her. You put a finger to my lips whenever I try to understand you or ask questions. But does that quiet the endless string of questions that your heart asks you everyday?

I know that you do not believe in a god, but I sure hope that he believes in you. God bless you.