The liar's punishment

"The liar's punishment is not that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else."
-George Bernard Shaw

I worry

And rightly so, because if I am not as welcome at his home, I wonder how my future offspring will fare. I want my sons and daughters to be born in a home where they receive all the love in the world and where they are always welcome.

I don't want them to ask for "permission" to visit their grandma or great grandma, as the case may be. That's what matters to me the most and if his family cannot accept me warmly, then it would cost my children a lot of family ties. I know that it will take my parents time to warm up to him if I do introduce him to them, but I know that he will be family once they accept him. I am not worried because I know that my parents will always welcome him and my kids and even his family with open arms once they get over the initial rough stages.

People are cold here

America's a funny place- people have all the money in the world but their hearts can be incredibly small.

His mother expressed her displeasure at my staying over at his grandmothers' for a night. I understand, but at the same time, I was also hurt and I began to cry as I hung up the phone, partly because I was taken aback and partly because I realized how different cultures can be. However, it's not the cultural difference that bothers me- heck, I follow a Bohemian kind of lifestyle myself, so I do not adhere to any specific culture's practices. But I do observe them.

I appreciate his grandmother's hospitality and I genuinely love how sweet she is to me. His mother was extremely kind when she met me, so it comes as a surprise when she mentioned to him that she was not the biggest fan of my staying the night over at his grandmothers'. First of all, it's not like I do it all the time. Secondly, one of the two nights when this actually did happen, I had just returned from a trip and my home is 20 something miles from his grandma's. In the name of humanity, if nothing else, I would let a kid stay. Heck, if my son loved a woman, I'd do anything in my power to make her feel welcome and at home. In fact, my home would be her home. I made a mental note to myself to never say the same thing that his mother said to my own family or children- they would be welcome to bring home anyone they love. In the end, when I was done with my crying, I looked in the mirror, smiled and forgave his mother for being petty. I forgave myself as well for overstepping boundaries and becoming too comfortable with his grandmother too soon (What could i do? I miss my grandparents so much that when I see someone else's, I jump at the opportunity to talk to them). Life's not worth holding grudges, especially if it's your future mother in law in question. This is just be beginning.

I love you

I love you. You know who you are.

Ask and it is given

They say that when you ask for things from the universe, it delivers them to your step.

I have experienced this before, sometimes in rather mysterious ways. I then ask god today for a healthy, happy relationship. I ask for problems to resolve and for my faith in the power of the divine to become stronger. I ask for love and I ask for strength to overcome the odds. I ask for him to heal- I ask for healing myself. I ask for wisdom to take the right steps in this difficult situation. I understand now that life is always going to be difficult for me. It just means that I'll always have to struggle more than I deserve to- much more than others. That is okay, as long as I know what's in store.

I ask god to free myself from the belief that I was not good enough for him to stop his sexually deviant behavior and fantasies. I ask for understanding that this is his issue and not mine. I ask for my laughter back. I ask for peace and reassurance that things are going to be okay.

and I don't know how to heal- I don't know how to stop backtracking myself from reveling in the same sad memories. It's like learning to walk- I fall down everyday and then crawl back up. I want to run, but I can barely get myself to stand up. Nothing comes easy in life, does it?

I want something from life

Our soul grows old with pain and essentially, pain is what stays with us forever. I think it carries itself over lifetimes because our soul is eternal and once it experiences a certain pain, the sadness remains.

It is difficult to comprehend that my pain, now that I've experienced it, is here to stay forever. I cannot unlearn it. I can only counter it with happiness and little joys of everyday life. I cannot forget that my ex told me that he cringed at the thought of having children with me. I attempt to make myself forget everyday that the man I love now told me that he wanted no children and only weeks later, attempted to have children with a woman who is 20 years older than me. I would make a better mother than her and I do not say this because I am arrogant. It is the truth- she makes a better businesswoman than me. I know that I will make a better mother because of my inherent capability to forgive people and to love unconditionally. For most people today, dignity is an outdated word with little value and a stuffy connotation. To me, dignity matters and I will instill my child with my values.

He decided to attempt to have a child with her because she has lots of love to give. I wish he took the time to peer into my eyes the way he peers at my body. I have been hurt by those who are closest to me. I've been injured by friends, parents, family, lovers, cousins- they've all hurt me ruthlessly, sometimes just because they did not understand me. But I still forgive everyone and my dark round eyes are full of love and compassion. Her money and her sophistication and design talent combined don't hold a candle to me and my beauty.

I want a man to recognize that love in my eyes and to tell me, explicitly, that he wants me to be the mother to his children. I will have children one day and when I hold my baby close to me, I will forgive my creator for all of life's unfairness and the sadness that I've experienced in my short tenure on this earth. Otherwise, life is meaningless and I don't mind resigning. Of course, he won't be sad that I'm gone. He's clarified that his genitals will be washed and that he will take it as my wish if I die tomorrow. No, I won't die so soon- not until I give birth to another life, anyway. I'll grind my teeth and carry on- I'll live to create life.

I always seek love but pain finds me instead

Today marks the year and a half anniversary of when we met. This generally would be an unimportant date but we’ve been spent every important day away from each other (apart from birthdays). In fact, on our year anniversary, he got frustrated with the double life he was leading and attempted to end our relationship. He took her out on Valentine’s while I stayed home and prayed that he wouldn't do something special with her.

I’ve given up believing that life is ever fair- it never was to me. But I’ll take whatever I can out of it. I just wanted to do something tonight- whether it’s meeting for drinks or dinner or walk or whatever. But I can’t ask him because he confessed the other day that he was more comfortable with the person in the previous relationship that with me. Proximity increases comfort, he says. But you have to comfortable to be close. It’s a catch-22. He still helps her, fresh after their break up, so I guess he is more comfortable with her. I wonder if he’ll ever be comfortable in his relationship with me. He never once wrote about me, he never photographed me. None. Am I always going to be a "compartmentalized" part of his life? I always wonder. I wander and wonder.

I always seek love but pain finds me instead.

make love to him tonight. I've never felt it so intensely before. I don't want to take up his time, so I don't tell him, but I wish he knew....I only wish he knew how much I want to be with him tonight.

White Nights

"For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. And all the time your soul is craving and longing for something else. And in vain does the dreamer rummage about in his old dreams, raking them over as though they were a heap of cinders, looking in these cinders for some spark, however tiny, to fan it into a flame so as to warm his chilled blood by it and revive in it all that he held so dear before, all that touched his heart, that made his blood course through his veins, that drew tears from his eyes, and that so splendidly deceived him!"

- Fyodor Dostoevsky, White Nights

Life's ironic

She's 44, successful, rich (a trust fund baby) and childlike.

I am 24, still climbing up the ladder, rich only because my ancestors were and well-mannered because my family comes from a certain class in the society, and mature beyond my years.

She had the opportunity to attend art school and become a successful designer. Although my family and relatives saw my potential for art and tried to nudge me into the direction of art school, at 17, when my entire portfolio was stolen, I decided that it was not meant to be. Moreover, I had grander plans. It would be easier to get a backup job with an Economics degree and Math minor than with an arts degree. Eventually, I know that I am made for acting- nothing else would do.

Now that she is in her forties, she wants children. The man I love chose her at a point in his life when he needed the care and the love that an older woman could offer him. This was a slap to my face, but life slapped me a bigger slap when she called to tell me that he wanted to have a child with her. I remember looking at myself in the mirror an hour later and wondering what had happened- I suddenly wondered whether my child is not worth having for him. He had always told me that he never wanted children. They why did he actively try with her? It hurt to think about it. I declared my ultimatum to him that I want children also at some point in my life.

I dreamt a dream a few months ago when I was playing with a boy (around age 4) and twin girls (around one years old). I felt that they were my children- the boy had my eyes. The girls, well, they were lighter skinned but had my dainty features.One of them had straight hair. The other one had my Shirley Temple curls.

Her and I are perfect complements- we each have what the other doesn't have. My darkness versus her light inconsistency. My jet black hair against her blonde waves. Her blue eyes are probably more "beautiful" than my piercing brown ones. Come to think of it, if they had ended up making a child, the baby would have been very attractive. My babies, on the other hand, would probably not be attractive in a conventional sense. But all the wealth in the world would not make me as happy as my own children would, I am sure. I will have them one day, and it doesn't matter if I have to raise them alone. I'll do it. Like a true scorpion, I'll be the best mother that I can be. Maybe I could not be the best lover or the best daughter or the best sister, but I will be my best at motherhood.

I pray and I hope that she too finds her joy somewhere. From one woman to another, wish you the best, lady, wherever you are.

Sometimes

it seems as if no matter what I do, it won't be enough. Doesn't matter how hard I try, I'll never be good enough. That makes me want to not even attempt. If I can't get it right, what's the point?

Black and White

Why should the process matter when you get the results that you want?

I don't know why it does. Sometimes you want the process to go a certain way, but who said that we can control life? What we think is ideal, morally right and inherently good or evil are just that- our own viewpoints. The idealists probably suffer the most in this world because they refuse to conform.

Something that life teaches me everyday is that not everything is black and white in this world. There are gray areas, and whether I like it or not, the sooner I accept it, the better I'll understand life.

The sun shines

in the bedroom when we play,
The rain it always starts when you go away."

Why does he

feel the need to hide things from me? It doesn't work, and it ends up hurting me so much that I end up with these depression spells that make me sick. Literally, so sick that I have to leave work in the middle of the day.

I would do anything in my power to make this person smile. Doesn't he know that? Then why does he have to lie to me about things? Is it me? Am I too passionate? Forceful?

I only mean good. At this point, I wouldn't mind dying or passing away, because no matter how good you are, it doesn't matter. I always end up suffering. I hope that Krishna himself comes to take me. Even if he decided to take me away tonight and I never wake up from my sleep, I wouldn't mind. Not at all.

Shiva

Ouch

It hurts to have one's ideals crushed. If you're as idealistic as moi, you know that ideals are one of the few things that matter- values, humanity and compassion are what differentiate us from animals. Since I believe in love so strongly, it crushes me to know that it is so easily exchangeable and so undervalued in this world. When did this change occur? When did we learn to place a price tag on love? Why is it that I become so disappointed when a person I love very much chose convenience over love? Perhaps my expectations of people are too high and unrealistic. Is love even real, or is it just an idea? Were we humans always like this?

Such questions are what I struggle with daily.

Fortunate

Sometimes, I feel very fortunate. I just get lucky- like the fact that my traffic ticket was dismissed. I mean, at this point in my life, it would really hurt my pockets to pay that fine. It's never a good time to pay off fines and tickets, but now more then ever, I need those funds to pay for things that I genuinely need to move forward life wise or career wise.

I feel a little stuck sometimes. I go to sleep when I feel really overwhelmed, which is a bad habit, but I would rather do that than turn to more harmful addictions. I relax for a second just to feel my heart beat. All the depression and anxiety in the past year seems to have had a negative effect on my poor esophagus. I feel the area below my ribcage and untie the knots from my sore esophagus by massaging it with my fingers. Then, I close my eyes and attempt to meditate and ground myself. I think about how lucky I am and how I am named after "Shree", the Hindu goddess of fortune, beauty and prosperity. I am fine, I am well, and once I am awake, I will power on. It's my promise to myself.

Unless it's

mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.

-Dreams of an Insomniac

I begin

every day hoping that it will be better than the day before. Even as my heart breaks one hundred times in a single day, I remain good. I try to laugh along at the jokes that life plays on me. I love with all my heart everyday and I stopped expecting anything a long time back from anyone. I just hope that in the end, I will have made peace with myself knowing that I always made an effort to strive for the right things. I just hope that one day, the tears will be few and far between and that smiles will fill my world. Not sad smiles, but happy, fulfilled, content smiles.

Nightmares

My dreams are just weird sometimes, but the nightmares are downright deadly.

I was writing a letter in my dream, trying to list everything that I wanted in my lifetime, but I was unable to move the pen or lift it. Move to the next scene, I'm pregnant and something is sucking the life out of me, but I cannot exactly point to what was doing that. I just felt something that was pulling me down to the floor- a force strong enough to vacuum the unborn life out of me. I was resisting gravity with all my strength. I woke up and stared at the ceiling of my room for an hour since I could not sleep.

I don't know what this means- I hope I get to live to see my child. Before I go, I would want to have the chance to be a good daughter/ friend/ girlfriend/ wife/ actor/ mother.

Good times

Our friend Pooja finally turned 21. We pressured her to take tequila shots, but lightweight Pooja could not handle it and threw it all up. At least it made for good times and great memories.

Paying my dues

I saw the photo of the Krishna sculpture that he sent me in my email. It delighted me to get a glimpse of it, and it was not later until I wondered where he found it. It is at the Norton Museum in Pasadena, he replied. Oh, how lovely, I thought, and promised myself to visit it next week. However, I also wondered, can I take Vinitha with me? Minoti won't go to museums. My other friends are busy as well. I would probably have to go alone. Not that it bothers me to go alone, but it is always wonderful to visit a museum with someone who cares as much about art as you do.

Then, the thought struck me- he probably went with her. I do not care if he is best friends with his exes or has lunch/ dinner/ coffee/ drinks with them, or works with them. What vexes me is that this is someone who loves me and yet does not ever care to find out how much of an artist I truly am, and that I enjoy cultural experiences more than anything else. I am usually adjusted in his schedule somewhere between seeing his friends and getting some work done on the westside. He does not make love to her, but she gets to have the rest of him and his time. I love him unconditionally, and I don't expect him to reciprocate in the same way, but I deserve at least some respect and time, don't I? Do meetings always have to be over generic drinks and food? Recently, we went on a hike and to an improv show- I had fun. Why can't we have more variety? Why did he see fit to yell at me that night for inconvenience a stranger (whose car was behind mine) when I was dropping him off to his cousins' parking lot?

When I chose economics over arts, I did it for the kids and so that I would always be at least self sufficient. It does not make me any less of an artist- it just means that I am able to think rationally as well as creatively. I passed AP Art History in High School without ever having taken the class for it- I self studied and I kept up with art because I was so passionate about it.In fact, I still plan on going to art school and it is a feasible dream. 

I wondered if I am paying some sort of dues here for sins committed in the past. Do I deserve less than stellar treatment because of something that I did? I painted a Ganesha over a year ago- I shed tears in front of the painting as I posed him this question, and then it hit me- I interned for that criminal defense law firm. Although not every client was a criminal, some of them were clearly murderers/ rapists. I aided in their defense. That is probably why I deserve punishment today. I wonder if I would die a brutal death as a result of my missteps- but then, I think to myself, what is worse? Living a suffocated life or dying a brutal death and getting it over with? I tried to love others, but I realize that I could not. I know that I will not be able to. I do not know what kind of stuff I am made of, but I do know that most 24 year olds would not be able to deal with these things as well as I have. I live today and I haven't given up on life yet or turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with my circumstances- that's a testament to my strength. But I get so tired sometimes, so tired of fighting. I get so exhausted being good and responsible all the time. I want to just pay my dues and then get out of here. Finito.

Biking

I haven't biked in some time now- I learned how to ride a bike when I was 13 because my dad was so protective of me that he would not let me learn it until I actually needed it. Yes, I did need it for going to high school- since he did not want to wake up at seven am to drop me, he taught me how to ride it a week before freshman year began. I caught on pretty fast, and although it led to me falling down and fracturing my right wrist eventually, I have fond memories of riding a bicycle. I want to ride Arroyo Seco in Highland Park/ Pasadena area sometime- the area is so beautiful and so unlike the westside.

Perhaps someday, I'll ride this lovely trail.

Why I don't like threesomes

I'm a pretty open-minded person, as far as trying out different things is concerned, but I know that I have no liking towards certain things. A Menage a trois is one of them.

Now,to be clear, I love without any preference towards gender, and I've loved women before. I fall in love with the person, not their gender. Of course, I've loved more men in my life than women.

Threesomes would be difficult for me because my attention is 100% on the person in front of me at any given time- that's just how I am! That applies in bed as well- be it a man or a woman, I am focused on my lover. I relish the experience, the concentration. I want to give my 100% in that moment to him or her- I want to delve myself completely in the act. I do not care to have a third person involved. Some people know that threesomes are not for them- I'm one of them.

I don't really mind as much if a third person is watching...but we'll save that for another blog entry.

If you love

two people at the same time choose the second one because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second.
-Johnny Depp

365 days of celibacy

Today marks 365 days of celibacy for me. It's been a full year since anyone made love to me. He left a part of himself in me that night for the first time- how ironic. Life is such a practical joke sometime, and even though the whole cycle makes a lot of sense now, it was a painful to think then that after we engaged in such an intimate act, he felt the need to push me away. To think that he is the first and only man who I shared this experience with. To realize, after attempting to date other men after this, that I would not be able to love them the way they deserve to be loved. To run away from the bed of another man whom I attempted to date last summer, apologizing that I could not be intimate with him- or with anyone else.

Life is so funny sometimes. I had an amazing connection with my ex of five years- the physical chemistry between us was great too- good sex lasted for three years in that relationship.  However, our deteriorating relationship and disagreements had a negative effect on everything. Sex sucked from age 20 onwards- when most young girls enjoyed sex, I dreaded it. It felt like a chore- I no longer felt anything. I stopped being intimate with him at 21- he moved to a different state right before my 22nd birthday and that further blocked any physical connection. The break up (at 22) was a relief. I dated others, but nothing much came of it- I was not looking for a relationship at all. I wasn't even actively looking for a relationship with this person I love now. But things felt right. Pieces fit together because we are similar in several ways and I love the differences. I do not think that we will ever tire of each other- what else can I ask for? I jones sometimes for his voice, to inhale his scent. We shared amazing moments in the four months that we spent together, and I realize that in the last four years, I've had 4 months of amazing sex. As sad as that sounds, I feel like I've conquered my lust instead of letting it conquer me. Ash Wednesday is today- Lent's coming up- here's to 30 days of no alcohol!

Belle

Once upon a time, when I was still beautiful and not pockmarked, a musician I was dating then played me songs on his guitar. I loved it and he got to bed me for being so romantic. I came across this song today. It's played on a guitar and it's such a lovely song that it puts a smile on my face. 

Oi Lienda. Bella che fa? Bonita, Bonita que tal? But belle, je ne comprends pas francais. So you'll have to speak to me some other way.

Find your objective

Then follow it till the end. Identify conflicts- they make your monologue beautiful. There has to be enough drama for the audience to feel that they paid their money's worth. Create characters- remain in character, but don't play a quality.

Does your monologue have a beginning, a middle, and an end? You are talking to someone- imagine them reacting. React to them. Acting is reacting.

I want to play interesting, diverse characters. A drug addicted ingenue. A strong, silent-type. An unabashedly evil vamp. An elegant, refined gamine. A bohemian flower child. A girl uncomfortable with her own sexuality and beauty. A filthy prostitute.

I'm so hungry, so so hungry for learning.

Live here, die here

Where else can one go?

Call out to me whenever you heart desires,

I'll be there where I always was

These songs of mine, the music of my life, 

will be sung by someone else tomorrow

The world will laugh as the clown

returns with a different face
Heaven is here, and so is Hell
Where else can I go?

In tomorrow's game, whether I remain or not,
The stars will forever be in the sky
You may forget, and so will they
But I will forever be yours
My memories will remain here
Where else can they go?

As I was attempting to cross the street outside a friends' home in the USC Area,

a car screeched to a halt before almost hitting me- I was in shock for the next few minutes. The streets around the Adams area are often poorly lit, so the car driver probably did not see me. He had no business driving on residential streets at that speed. If my reflexes had not been quick, I would have surely been in the hospital, either severely injured or dead. I live- Thank you.

Love is the strongest force

The story goes that Krishna made a vow to not pick up a weapon in the epic battle of Mahabharata- both sides were his cousins and he gave the opposing side his army, while he became a charioteer for his favorite disciple, Arjuna. At a critical point on the battlefield, Arjuna had to fight his own great grandfather, Bhishma Pitamaha. Bhishma Pitamaha was an superior warrior (even better than Arjuna); moreover, Arjuna staggered due to sheer respect for him.

Seeing his disciple in trouble, Krishna jumped out of the chariot, picked up a weapon and charged towards Bhishma Pitamaha, with Arjuna clutching his feet, begging him to not break his promise. His love towards his ardent devotee caused him to go back on his own words. If love can inspire god to break his own promise, then love has to be stronger than any entanglements of this material world, no doubt.

Am I a fool?

I just cannot seem to get with the program. I keep getting hurt but I cannot change the way I am. What can I do differently? I know of a hundred things, but implementing them is another story. I don't know know how to be a more guarded person. Yes, I don't have the energy left anymore to connect with others much, I am drained, but inherently, I trust people. I always give people benefit of the doubt and that doesn't change, because if I changed that, then I would not be Shreya.

What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't fall in love with someone I can live with. No, I fall in love with someone I can't live without.

I feel lucky

Today is one of those lucky days for me. I decide to make a visit the meditation center in Montebello with Mr. Shukla and his family. His daughter has prepared dinner for me, but today is one of my fasting days. Mr. Shukla sounds impressed, but shows his concern and asks her to get me apple juice. As I thank him, he takes my face in his hands, and says, "Kiddo, I've fed your father when he was in diapers, so don't even attempt keep things formal with me. You and your dad...your "thank yous" and "sorries" never end." Later on, he feeds me some sweets in the car (we are allowed to eat sweets for this fast) and asks me if I would like to go the Lake Shrine with him. Sure, we'll go Saturday, we decide. He tells me that the swans in the Lake Shrine are considered to be very lucky. I promise to take a better photo of the swan pair next time.

When we finally get to the center, we meditate and pray for a good hour. Mr. Shukla fills a plate with food and puts it in my hands- "the day is over. You are allowed to break your fast at this hour" The meal is delicious- we eat together and he mentions how close he is to my family. He talks to me about my great grandmother, who we all call "Bai" out of sheer respect. She passed away when I was 4, but I have fuzzy memories of her- her porcelain skin, light brown hair, green eyes, sweet yet bossy nature. She was very attached to me and would take me out with her whenever she had the chance. I recall, when I was 3, she dressed me up in a long magenta skirt and took me to a fair where I danced to the beat of her clapping hands, my curls bouncing and a mischievous smile playing on my lips. "Bai was wonderful and she would ask me to accompany her to all her favorite spiritual hangouts" Shuklaji mentions. This man reminds me of my grandfather. He will be going back in a few weeks and I will miss these conversations with him. His daughter's family is set to move to Chicago in June- I wish for more friends like these who care for me so much and who know my family so deeply.

What life is all about

To offer yourself to someone for smiles,
To loan someone's griefs for a while,
To hold love for someone in your heart,
This is precisely what life is all about.

Granted, I am poor, by the standard of my pockets.
Even so, I am rich at heart .

Perishing for love that is Life,
Craving for spring that is life,
This I believe, though others may not,
That this is precisely what life is all about.

Relationship of trust between two hearts is beautiful
Love itself lives on because of it

Even when I pass, I will live in someone's memories,
That I will smile on through someone's tears,
So says every flower to its bud-
This is precisely what life is all about

Just this once,

I am terrified- I have good reason to be.

I walk outside and bile moves up my esophagus as I try to not think about it. No two fingers are the same in our own hands. No two people are the same. I feel like I do not have much left to be attached to, and this detached outlook scares me sometimes. I try to find a balance between need and wants; material and spiritual; selfishness and genuine desire. It's a difficult process- I am not even sure how to cope with it at 24. I get this odd feeling feeling that I'll only live till I'm 50, so I'm probably "middle aged" as far as my timeline is concerned, but I still have the body of a 24 year old, the face of a 20 year old, and the childlike smile of a 5 year old.

Mostly, I feel overwhelmed by the nothingness of it all, because in the end, everything is exactly that- nothing.

I love watching a graceful person dance

She embodies grace. Aishwarya Rai, India's answer to Helen of Troy.

It was a gust of wind

that twisted the painting on this wall askew

Last monsoon, the walls were not damp like this

Who knows why damp has seeped into them this time

and cracks have appeared in them

The droplets fall like wet tears flow down dry cheeks

Heavy clouds give way to Monsoon, 

making flowers bloom,

But you did not come, my dark handsome lover

Leaving my courtyard deserted

The rain whispers on the edge of the roof

she used to write messages with her finger on the glass windows of my home

But now she lives in isolation, sitting behind closed blinds 

The afternoons appear to me like empty chessboards without pawns...

there is no one to play the game, and there is no one to make a move 

Your own heart sheds tears of separation,

creating your own river which you bathe in a hundred times

And it seems like your bath is never ending

White I wait, my hair remains brittle; my appearance unkempt

and my heart lifeless....

Now neither day nor night arrives, everything is on a standstill

Was it a gust of wind that twisted the painting on the wall askew?

My beloved, what is this pride of yours?

It is Taso's birthday tomorrow

I haven't said hello to him in a while, but I am sending him a birthday card.

A Happy Birthday to my Greek friend!

"Your daughter is a doll."

Mr. Shukla says to my father. Mr. Shukla, the same man with the intense hazel eyes and the tobacco stained teeth. I reach their residence at 1:30, minutes after my parents. S Burnside Avenue- something about this street makes me uncomfortable as I drive along- it's as if it's a reminder of something unpleasant. But it's the first time that I've been on this street, so what could it be? A previous event that took place here related to some enemy? I don't know. It sure feels like it.

I enter their home and the energy changes. Mr. Shukla holds my head, saying, "My kiddo Shreya , I was waiting to chat with you! Why didn't you arrive earlier?" We start with the amazing delicacies that his daughter had very kindly prepared for us- a mouthwatering array of sweets and spicy fritters. Mr. Shukla periodically throws some in my plate (In India, people don't believe in letting someone's plate remain empty. "Eat, why are you so thin? Come on, stop talking and eat!"). After an hour or so, lunch is served. My mouth waters at the sight of seven different dishes that the lady has painstakingly prepared. Moreover, these dishes are local to the city that I grew up in, so naturally, I am pleased. As we chit chat over lunch, she describes to me the miracles that she has seen happen with her own friends and family through their belief in the meditation center that she was describing last week- it is about faith, ultimately. You have to want something and then believe that it will be granted to you. I thank her for sharing this with me- I meditate anyway, so why not try this? I tell her that I will join her next Thursday when she goes. The Sufi Fakir saint who founded this group is renowned in India and around the world.

Mr. Shukla continues to joke with me about his friendship with my family and how far back it goes. I ask him if he is a Scorpio. He replies, "Yes! I was born November so-and-so". I know a Scorpio when a see one- I guess I'm sharp at certain things. He proceeds to show us the altar that he has for all his spiritual advisors and dieties. I tell them about a Temple that I attend in Laguna Beach, where they pray both Indian Goddesses and Mother Mary, because, ultimately, they are "mothers", even if the religions are different. Impressed by this concept, Mr. Shukla and his daughter remark that my understanding of spirituality is very deep.

Mr Shukla tells me father, "This child is lucky. She is lucky for you, and she is very lucky for any family that she will be a part of." I smile, thanking him for the compliments. He retorts, "I don't just say it for no reason, you really are a wonderful daughter to have."

"Don't you worry"

Would always be my dad's line. He'd say it to me whenever I would have any issues with car accidents, or a lost phone, or just plain old life. Of course, I'd hear a lecture about my carelessness, how money doesn't grow on trees, how I could have avoided this. But when he would see me getting increasingly worried, he would stop and put his hands on my hands, look into my eyes, and say, "kiddo, don't you worry. I got this" He always "got this". Papa, as I call him, had a solution to most problems. Even he turned his back on me for a couple of years as a form of punishment, we slowly bonded again once I moved out of their home.

Papa and dadaji (grandfather) were my two best friends. Papa would tell me stories when I was two- stories that helped me fall asleep. I had a difficult time sleeping as a child, but it was even more difficult when he would be out on business trips. I love to think that he can fix everything- I wish I could go to him right now, tell him my problems, and then just be reassured that it would be taken care of. I wish for impossible things sometimes. But then again, impossible is an opinion, not a fact.

My papa inspires me to be that person who loved ones could depend on whenever they need anything. I don't turn my back on people who need something from me.

Yes, I am willing to wait.

I have an understanding and I know that people face hardships and struggles and sometimes want to be left alone. I wish he would tell me what he wanted. It becomes so difficult for me to guess sometimes- he says he always loves me. People who love you at least communicate with you their feelings, don't they? Then why this guessing game?

I look for his eyes in others. I am familiar with his scent- the memories make my eyes well with sadness. I accept him just the way he is- his words, his way of saying those words, his tendency to not hold to commitments, his animated movements, the way he nuzzles his head between my chest, chirping "Shreya" like an excited child, the way he holds me tight when he wants to be comforted, his motorcycles, his hobbies, his writing. Whatever makes him happier- his higher good is very important to me. I never try to customize the man. If he is truly happier in someone else's arms or without me, I would be happy for him and smile with tears in my eyes. It is challenging, but I've done it before for him. I've left him whenever he asked me to go away. But I know that him and I belong together. Don't ask me how- it's the same way I knew that my uncle was not going to survive his treatment; the same way that I predicted our move to the United States; the same way that I predicted so many other thing that came to pass. I want to us both to be successful and fulfilled career wise and be in a more positive place in our lives. How many times do I have to walk through fire till I finally reach the shores?

When I was barely two,

I attended my great grandmother's fifth death anniversary memorial. While this whole ceremony was going on, I started wailing loudly, and didn't stop till the whole thing ended. My mother tells me that my grandfather then took me in his arms, kissed my forehead and said, " I believe that this is my mother, reincarnated." He was probably joking, but perhaps it is true. Perhaps we do come back to reconnect with our families, our loved ones. I am an "old soul"-I feel like I am in my forties sometimes. My eyes are full of understanding and a certain pain. My face reveals that I have been through a lot and my smiles are often full of sadness.

I'd like to come back as a bird after I die. I'd swoop in and take a dump on people who did me wrong. I'd fly in circles around those who loved me as a human and hope that I'd see them happy.

Communication

"The single biggest problem with COMMUNICATION is the illusion that it has taken place." George Bernard Shaw

Zeroing in a vacuum- OM

I try to meditate everyday. On the days that I do not get a chance to, I feel incomplete. Meditation and yoga ground me and breathing becomes much easier. Anxiety is relieved; new solutions and new ways to approach a problem often appear. More than anything, I am slowly regaining my ability to focus deeply. 

I saw this interesting paragraph on yoga-

The most important teaching of yoga has to do with our nature as human beings. It states that our "true nature" goes far beyond the limits of the human mind and personality--that instead, our human potential is infinite and transcends our individual minds and our sense of self. The very word "yoga" makes reference to this. The root, "yuj" (meaning "unity" or "yoke"), indicates that the purpose of yoga is to unite ourselves with our highest nature. This re-integration is accomplished through the practices of the various yoga disciplines. Until this re-integration takes place, we identify ourselves with our limitations--the limitations of the body, mind, and senses. Thus we feel incomplete and limited, and are subject to feelings of sorrow, insecurity, fear, and separation, because we have separated ourselves from the experience of the whole.

Many people ask me what Om means. It is difficult to explain Vedic philosophy to anyone who is not familiar with it because it carries with it a healthy respect for all the three elements of nature- creation, preservation, AND destruction. Most people get confused about respecting "destruction"- it is viewed as negative, and understandably so. Destruction can also be liberation- destruction of ego; destruction of too many material things so that we are not a slave to these things anymore; destruction of illusion which then reveals the higher truth. Here is a good definition of OM (AUM)-

When taken letter by letter, A-U-M represents the divine energy (Shakti) united in its three elementary aspects: Bhrahma Shakti (creation), Vishnu Shakti (preservation) and Shiva Shakti (liberation, and/or destruction) 

Flaws of the Zodiac- Amusingly Accurate

I cracked up when I came across this, so I had to share. Maybe someone will smile when he or she reads this.

My Moon Sign Pisces-

Pisces has often been called the dustbin of the zodiac. Mental hospital is a closer description. On your trek around the karmic wheel, you've not only picked up everyone else's bad habit, you've managed to forgo most of the good ones.

You are as obtuse as Taurus, anal as Virgo, and as wishy-washy as Libra. You blather as much as Gemini and Sagittarius put together, but your conversation is limited to instant replays of all the boring details of your crisis-laden life. When you want something you can knock down more little old ladies than an Aries fighting to be first at a Macy's white sale. You are as freaked-out as Aquarius, obsessed as Scorpio, and whiny as a Cancer with a sore throat. Your penchant for theatrics makes the most flamboyant Leo look reticent, and your opinion of yourself is higher than that of a Capricorn who's just foreclosed on a Swiss bank.

You also have the special-to-you-alone gift for viewing life from a perpetually unworkable slant. You are so afraid of conflict that you would rather eat worms than confront a problem. But that's fine with you because it gives you the excuse to lie on the coach all day, flipping the remote and sighing.

The cliché of the lights are on but no one's home was no doubt first used to describe a Fish. You will fade out in the middle of commuter traffic going seventy, wake up in the next town, and have absolutely no idea how you got there.

Every Pisces is addicted to something. The obvious dangers are booze and drugs. However, serial romances, food, TV, and excessive sleep are also ways you avoid dealing with reality. You are probably a lifetime member of every organization with anonymous in the title.

Pisces have every psychological and psychosomatic illness known to man and participate in medical research trials more often than any other sign. You love the attention and use the twenty-five dollars to buy wine. You are so afraid of confrontation that trying to carry on a conversation with you is like talking to a bobble-head doll You can't make a decision, no matter how inconsequential, and have the social presence of a doormat. But, you do hate to see suffering. That's why you wear dark glasses.

Your favorite TV shows are the Jerry Lewis Telethon and the PTL Club. You love to cry along with fellow Fish Jerry, and to self-righteously bash those lacquer-haired televangelists.

As the last sign of the zodiac, you've walked in every other sign's shoes at least once. And slept in all their beds. You charm the pants off anyone -- literally. However, you are so reality-challenged that you don't want a life, you want a movie.

Pisces make good actors, faith healers, vice cops, savants, and drag queens. You are also psychic; however, you are so self-absorbed that the only future you care about is your own.

Yo don't do realism. Instead you prefer to view life from either your internal set of rose-colored glasses, or from a state of altered consciousness. Either way, you drift through the years with your head in the sand, preferring your fantasies and dragging behind you an endless line of losers you call family and friends. But that's OK with you, since it gives you an excuse to drink and bitch.

You are the chameleon of the Universe, and the shades of every other sign flutter through your soul. Because you are so acquiescent and hate conflict, you are invariably underestimated. Once you learn to quit underestimating yourself, that quality is precisely what will give you the edge over every other sign.

My Sun Sign Leo-

Everywhere you go you command attention. That's because you are usually carrying a gun. You vie with Aries for the Most Obnoxious Human award and pick arguments in sports bars just to show everyone who's boss.

You are the first to aid friends and family in times of need and just as quick to announce to the world how good hearted you were to offer assistance. You assume control of every situation where more than one person is gathered. In an elevator you position yourself next to the door and push the floor buttons. At the grocery store you instruct the bag boy how to pack the sack.

Your idea of a good career is any profession in which your title is longer than your business card. Leo is the sign of the grade-school teacher, TV wrestler, karaoke champ, and floating crap game organizer. Lions also make good hair stylists, actors and conga line leaders.

You don't do solitude. Instead, you head for the nearest party, arriving fashionably late so you can sweep into the room offering your fingertips and air kisses to your loyal fans as you head to the center of the action. Your nature is so theatrical that you can't bear the thought of being just one of the crowd and you will stand on your head or someone else's back, to grab the spotlight.

Your home is your castle, where you rule by intimidation. You spend your evening scolding your family, yelling at the dog, and hanging up on your mother. Your temper is like a solar flare. It flashes out, singeing the ears of the hapless person who dared to disagree, then dissipates just as quickly. Because you have selective memory, you think you are calm, cool and collected and will beat the hell out of anyone who disagrees.

In a romance you have all the finesse of a sailor returning home from a twelve-month cruise. You'll go home with anyone who has great hair. The next day, you bore your friends with tales of sexual conquest that everyone knows are lies. What you don't know is that, secretly, everyone hopes you get eaten by a crocodile.

Your checking account serves as a clearing house between your paycheck and creditors, and you've filed for bankruptcy so often you're banned from using credit cards until 2052. Your favorite game is Follow the Leader, with you at the head of the group. But, instead of Captain Courageous, you're more like the captain of the Titanic. You never know where you are going and invariably lead everyone to disaster.

In real life, John Wayne was a Gemini. However, every role he ever played was pure Leo. Always strong, sometimes arrogant, his characters always knew just what they wanted and just how to get it. So do you.

You are lively, sincere, and elegant. Your independent nature is most contented when you are fighting for a cause, or an underdog. However, since your vices can be as large as your virtues, you need to learn to redirect some of your powerful energy. Give your attention to others versus calling it to yourself. Focus on taking time to understand more and criticize less, and not a sign in the zodiac will be able to resist you. In the meantime, anyone who wants to wrestle with the Lion will soon find out that you are still King of the Jungle.

My rising sign Scorpio-

Why is your life so difficult? Because you are still repaying the bad karma you earned the last go-around, when you were Torquemada's rack-master during the Inquisition.

Your exaggerated nature provides extremes of every kind. Compulsions and obsessions explode within your psyche. A startlingly large number of you either become geniuses, or sink into the lowest depths of depravity. You latter types make ideal mates for Pisces.

Your favorite TV shows are reruns of Dark Shadows and you wear a Barnabas Collins ring on your forefinger. You love to point randomly at unsuspecting strangers and mumble gibberish. Your moods range from irritable to pissed off, and you frequently sulk, brood, intimidate, spy and cheat. That's on one of your good days. Unlike Taurus, who is blind to his faults, you are acutely aware of your flaws, but excessively proud of them. For instance, you like to wear a minipicture of your mug shot on a gold chain.

Being a fixed sign means that your emotions and opinions rarely change. You are kindly described as "still water runs deep". You more closely resemble a boiling cesspool of hydrochloric acid. Your metaphorical stinger is always poised for attack and you are supposedly known for vicious verbal barbs. In reality, most of you are merely cantankerous bores who constantly posture and gouge lines in the dirt daring others to step across.

You are so private even your relatives don't know your unlisted phone number. You have a NO SOLICITORS sign on the barbed-wire fence around your property, and anyone attempting to reach your front door will need a map and a flashlight to make it through the overgrowth. You are so paranoid that you think Alcatraz would be a safe place to live.

Scorpios have bumper stickers that say things like, "My child sells drugs to your honor student." You are chronically terse, and have Bad Ass, Son of Bad Ass, or Mother of Bad Ass tattooed on your neck.

You keep a police scanner on the kitchen table to track the movements of your friends -- both of them. Instead of family pictures, your refrigerator is covered with magnetic business cards of lawyers, therapists, and bail bondsmen. Inside is a mishmash of variety ranging from mashed potatoes to granola bars. Your eating habits swing as wildly as your emotions, from Spartan bark eater to comfort-food junkie.

Scorpio is the sign of the prosecuting attorney, psychopath, Mafia negotiator, and more-parts-than-you-were-prepared-to-lose surgeon. Scorpios also make good stalkers, astrologers, and psychics; however very few of you are in the latter profession because you refuse to acknowledge your clairvoyance.

You follow Scorpio Adam Ant's views on sex. He said, "I like sex. My songs are about sex ... sex is my life. I just find it the most exhilarating experience, and I think it should he done on stage." You'd join his band if you could.

You are the most intense of all signs. Telling you to learn to go with the flow, or to lighten up, is ridiculous. Control is your forté. Learn to use it on yourself before running over your children, friends, and lovers with your steel-belted emotions and you'll quickly discover that most people like to be around you because of the sheer force of your personality.

Take it all with a grain of salt...but don't be surprised if you see any accurate descriptions.

Karma or soulmates?

I recently read somewhere that soulmates are friends who stay together for life- two complete souls that walk side by side; while karmic connections are strong ties that remain for limited time frames in someone's lifetimes until they learn their relationship lessons. Twin connections are masculine and feminine connections that manifest seperately for lifetimes until they rejoin at key periods. They are two sides of a whole, and "twin flame" connections are rather rare, because most souls in this world are still at the process of reaching that point. Twin souls do not meet in every lifetime. When twin souls are done with their human experiences, they depart this world into eternal consciousness.

I recognize my own relationships through this. It makes perfect sense, this concept of purpose in a relationship. My first relationship was a form of Karmic debt that my ex and I owed to each other- we needed to know what we did not want in a relationship and we found out through each other. I learned many things from him about his South East Asian culture, value systems and society. I also was inspired by him- he came to the United States at 14 as a refugee and had to make a living for the first two- three years selling newspapers with his mother. He did not speak any English, and yet, today, (almost 18 years later), he is in Medical School. His attitude of reaching for the highest goals rubbed off on me, and helped me do well in college. I faced a lot of flak from my family during that time, but his strength kept me going. I became his motivation to go to medical school. He enjoyed my youth and innocence; he benefited from our communication because he always felt that he could talk to me about anything without being judged. I also nudged him to bridge the communication gap with his mother. I was with him during his most important days and I introduced him to Indian culture- a knowledge with which he won over his next girlfriend Pooja's heart. We were not meant to be together forever, and despite the initial discomfort and sadness, it felt right when we broke up.


Karmic partners seek out each other's energy. Their relationships often begin with great passion yet end without any attraction. These relationships may also leave one partner feeling particularly drained. When karmic partners part, this is a sign that business has been settled and debts are paid or the timing is not right to accomplish these goals and it's all right to move on.

I've have soulmates here- Minoti is a soulmate. Her and I are two schoolchildren who will always walk through life together. She cares for me more than I care for her sometimes; she always looks for solutions for me, and although she can be hotheaded and impulsive, I love her for her honesty. She looks out for me and tries to protect me from being hurt. I always give Minoti a non judgmental ear. I advise her and cheer her on to the best of my ability. I help her with her wardrobe and I am her go to person for make up- I'll be doing that for her on her wedding day. The woman my uncle in India married is also a soulmate- in fact, they say, I chose her for my uncle (I was not yet 4 at that time). In India, arranged marriages were common that time. I went with my family to the woman's home. As everyone else was talking, the attention whore that I was (and still am), I walked over to her and snuggled into her lap, calling her "my nice auntie". She fed me some cashews and almonds from her hands. I fell asleep in her arms. My uncle married her within the next 6 months. We remain best friends, forever. My best friend Shruti, the one whose wedding is this November, is also a soulmate. We used to only meet for 15-20 days in a year, when I used to visit my mother's parents, but we became friends at 3 and we have been best friends since. I don't need to see her frequently to resume a deep, connected conversation with her. In fact, when I was leaving India at the age of 11, I had made a wish that after we get married, her and I would stay in the same city. That wish may come true, because her fiancee is studying in New York at present, and he will be looking for job, possibly in Los Angeles, this upcoming year. There is another person who is my soul mate as well, and I am glad that I recognized our connection.

When soul twins reunite, both of them experience an acceleration of their spiritual growth and awakening. They get on the fast track of learning about esoteric wisdom and experiencing other states of consciousness. They usually haven't been together all that often during their series of lives on the planet, and so their backgrounds may be different. Guidance is strong with these relationships, and usually one or both have good psychic abilities. Their connection is telepathic, and, here's the biggest giveaway- hugging or holding each other feels like coming home for nourishment.

Twin connections are marked by difficulties and obstacles- whether it be distance, a previous romantic attachment, or simply fear from such a strong energy (this bond is so intense that it can scare the strongest of us). The biggest reason twins have to separate after coming together is their individual emotional baggage. Because in the presence of your twin, there can be nothing between you, nothing blocking your closeness. This means that everything comes up for healing that you haven't previously healed. Everything! Of course, they do come back together once both the halves are ready. Every previous relationship feels like "practice" for this grand "twin soul" relationship. I am lucky enough to have experienced all of the above mentioned relationship connections. The best relationship is one in which individuals are both soul mates AND twin souls- complete by themselves and fulfilled with each other.

I'm frustrated

to my core. My hands are tied and I've never regretted being broke before, but today marks the first day of it.

My energy is pure and positive, but I feel it weakening, and as I sense repeated roadblocks, I feel faint and tired to the point of exhaustion. I've dealt with so much last year and my sickness has left me spent. What do I do? I keep banging on all the doors, but they remain closed. I wish I had enough positivity in me to fight it all back, but I am really weak at this point. My weight has dropped to lower than 100 pounds as a result of being sick. Work is piling up here. My brother is suffering from Chicken Pox which he contracted from me. I am facing blocks to my happiness. It all seems to line up against me and I am afraid that I will break into pieces, like a twig. What about my happiness? Did the fates forget to write in my destiny even the basics? 

I need Krishna's help- today, more than ever. No, I'm not giving up on anything. My mind just needs rest.

"Where do you want to settle?"

Mr Shukla asked me as I sat down next to him on our large dining table. I instantly recognized the man- his piercing hazel gaze, tobacco stained smile and shrewdness does not escape me. I last saw him when I was 6, but who can forget such a face? Mr Shukla is around my grandfather's age. He is a very spiritual man- he's been our family friend for years. His career expertise lies in Real Estate Brokerage- a man of contradictions! I was surprised to see him again because only a few days ago, I was thinking about this scary looking man whom I met when I was still a baby.

Of course he wanted to know where I would prefer to live. Close relatives and acquaintances these days have only one topic to bug my parents and I about- my nuptials. He stated that he is trying to find out my preferences so that he could refer me to an eligible bachelor's family. My family just smiled; I stammered, "Anywhere life takes me is good- for right now, it is Los Angeles!" He laughed, "Not India? Ever?" I smiled, "Never say never".

Mr Shukla then quit talking about marriage, looked into my eyes with a knowing look, smiled, and said, "Things will go the way you want them to. Just meditate and let that be your guide." I sucked in a sharp breath- he knew! I thought about it later as well, and realized that he is aware of what I am going through. In fact, he had brought for us as a present a book by Yogananda (The monk who established the Lake Shrine in Pacific Palisades) on meditation. While leaving, his daughter whispered in my ear about a meditation center in Montebello that was amazing for fulfillment energy- even she knew? I closed my eyes when he left, and a voice in my head spoke to me- Soulmates- this struggle is your Karma. At the risk of sounding retarded, I now know that souls recognize each other. No, this won't happen on my time line. I do not even know how events would unfold- I have given up trying to piece the puzzle together. It will happen when I've learned my lessons and when souls are ready. I will not bother anyone anymore- it does not do any good. Now that I know the whys, I won't ask about the hows.

This leaves one less person to bother me about my marriage. Mr. Shukla knows- and thank you for pointing it out to me, my visitor from back in time.

One of the biggest lessons

that my experiences in life taught me is to love unconditionally, without fearing hurt. To give love with both hands- not as an exchange with one hand to give and one to take from. I have been hurt before when I have loved people. Sometimes, people get so badly hurt that they carry it with them and decide to hurt others before others hurt them. They wear glasses that blind them from seeing love. I've experienced this many times from others; my first reaction is a sad smile. Yes, it is better to be safe than sorry, but for how long can one guard his or her heart? Love is a risk- but so is life.

Life has also taught me to give people space, because even if I can clearly see the issue at hand, at the end of the day, who am I to know what's best for someone else? If they need space, I have enough respect for them to move aside. Often, especially in my generation, affection is mistaken for neediness. It hurts me when people misread it, because I reserve my affectionate side for a chosen few. Still, I understand; I always do.

I also learned that being passionate does equal mean being dramatic. I am an intense person, but I have no affinity for drama outside of the stage. I demonstrate passion if I care for someone, but I prefer levelheaded discussions. I do tend to find myself in dramatic scenarios, but I try to remain calm. I try but fail sometimes.

Mes amis, c'est la vie. La vie compliquee, la vie difficile, et quelquefois, la triste vie. Mais toujours, La Belle Vie.

Don't forget

to love those people who god gifted to you, because one day, he will need them back.

Everyone may not be good, but there is good in everyone- Never judge anyone shortly because every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. 

Stagnant

I abhor the aforementioned word. Sadly, I've allowed myself to stagnate professionally, when it comes to acting, in the last year. I was taking the necessary steps earlier, and I did make some errors, but I just lost momentum and started fearing. Fearing rejection- rejection by everyone. It's happened before. Check. But rejection of self, by self? No- I am better than my circumstances.

It's my own fault for treating my art this way and I do feel terribly guilty for letting precious time slip by me. Yes, I am able to earn my living, but I am not getting anywhere if I treat life's small turns as roadblocks. No excuses- there should be no reason to grow depressed and stop progressing in life. I take all responsibility for not working hard enough. I planned my agenda for the next few months- it's better to do it in steps. Step one- a refresher course (4 months long) in stage acting which starts next month. Ballet morning classes twice a week to correct my posture. A camera acting workshop which begins in April that lasts for three months (which I would have started in January had I not been sick). I know my talent and weaknesses, but that is not the solution. I cannot look myself in the mirror if I continue this way. I was taking a leisurely walk when I imagined my future. I've always wanted to design but never had the opportunity to attend design school. When I have paid projects, if the pay is any good, I'd like to attend design school during the time when I am not acting. Eventually, I'd do it as a part time career when I have time off from gigs/ projects. I always want to do better and learn new things.

Also, I have always wanted to spend some time doing things for the community- I want to serve the homeless once a week in downtown. I can start this week- I have the time and the ability to.

Wanderlust

It hits me again...I have no money this time, like I did a few years ago. Still, I'll make it work, and I would like to visit the Northwest again as soon as I have the chance to. The gypsy blood in me is never content staying at one place for too long. In fact, I was reading my journal from a few years ago, when I was 18, and I had written that the thing that I want to avoid in my life the most is "stability". That is not to say that I do not want things that most people want- sure, home, relationships, family etc are great, but I cannot imagine myself bound by a routine for too long. I fall in love with wanderers, because I am one myself. I always dreamed of loving someone who would love to hop along.
The other day, I wondered aloud, "Why did I come here?". "Here" could mean anything- this world, America, California, West Los Angeles, or the falafel joint where I was dining. I came here for a purpose, surely. I feel a disconnect from things sometimes- everything feel fragmented. I don't belong anywhere, as a result of living in so many different places. Conversely, I can call any place home. I have a better understanding of people; I have compassion in my heart and I always do my best to not judge. I know pain and isolation because I have dealt with it and overcome it. I wander and lust for wonderful, beautiful things that make life worth living for.

Behind every successful man....

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the President's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner. Following this conversation President Obama asked, "Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you?" She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her. President Obama then said, "So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant", to which Michelle responded, "no, if I had married him, he would now be the President."

Let's do it

 "This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment.
First to let go of life.
Finally, to take a step without feet." 

-Rumi

When the little bluebird
Who has never said a word
Starts to sing Spring
When the little bluebell
At the bottom of the dell
Starts to ring Ding dong Ding dong
When the little blue clerk
In the middle of his work
Starts a tune to the moon up above
It is nature that is all
Simply telling us to fall in love

And that's why birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Cold Cape Cod clams, 'gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

I've heard that lizards and frogs do it
Layin' on a rock
They say that roosters do it
With a doodle and cock

Some Argentines, without means do it
I hear even Boston beans do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

When the little bluebird
Who has never said a word
starts to sing Spring spring spring
When the little bluebell
At the bottom of the dell
Starts to ring Ding ding ding
When the little blue clerk
In the middle of his work
Starts a tune

The most refined lady bugs do it
When a gentleman calls
Moths in your rugs they do it
What's the use of moth balls

The chimpanzees in the zoos do it,
Some courageous kangaroos do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

I'm sure sometimes on the sly you do it
Maybe even you and I might do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Fear, begone!

Fear grips my heart today- I wish it to be gone
Until and unless I don't stop fearing, I won't achieve anything substantial. Yes, the small victories count too, but how can anyone take a leap of faith for anything, when one's own fear blocks them?
Fear of failing at auditions.
Fear of preparing for auditions.
Fear of not doing well at work.
Fear of my family getting sick.
Fear of losing love.


I wish for my heart to begin looking at things positively, for when we fear, we influence the outcome of our circumstances negatively. When we love, we change things for better. Always. There is no exception to this law.

Analogy

If I were in a boat, and suddenly my boat was struck by a large rock and water starting filling it up, what would I do? Would I do everything possible to ask for help and save my boat, or even float on anything to swim across to the shore, or would I just give up hope and let my boat sink, not resisting at all?

Sometimes, life feels like the above mentioned scenario. I feel like I have failed so many times at so many things that failure is the only thing that I will see wherever I turn to; my efforts would always be met with rejection; people would only misunderstand me or my feelings. So then, why not just go off to a monastery or a secluded place and live by myself, isolating the rest of the world? Or why not just end it all, and start with another lifetime, afresh? But then, what is the guarantee that I am done with my suffering if I end it all here? Maybe this is my Karma- life lessons that I need to learn here on earth. I choose to salvage whatever I have- a healthy body, a relatively attractive face, a loving heart, a compassionate mind, an intelligent brain. Perhaps they will take me where I want to go in my life.

My life has always been so disjointed that the disconnect between it all consumes me sometimes. I am nonjudgmental and independent- but is that always such a gift to not have a herd to belong to (other than my family)? Being surrounded by so many and yet be so lonely? I am so comfortable with myself that I can spend days without much social interaction; even when I do talk to people, I know that I only warm up and come close to a select few. But, this is the world I have to live in- people I have to live with. We ultimately only have ourselves to measure up to. We can choose to do our best and carry on with that belief in ourselves. Whatever floats our boats.

"One Day"

I just finished watching the above mentioned flick. It made for a rather boring watch, but I blog about it here because I found parts of it endearing and the overall premise to be rather touching.

It is beautiful to watch how Anne Hathaway's "Emma" smiles radiantly every time she is with the man she loves. In return, she makes him a better person from a drug addicted, alcoholic womanizer that he is at the beginning of the movie. Of course, he does not deserve her, but she remains his friend because he is the only one who makes her smile that special smile. And of course, by the time he realizes the extent of his love for her, he only has two years with her till life snatches her from him.

Every time I saw Emma's eyes light up for him, it touched me to the point of tears. I recognize that smile- Anne Hathaway is a damn good actress- I smile that smile myself on every instance of seeing that person I love. I light up; the sheer joy of it all makes it worth the trials and the tribulations.

As we grow up,

we learn that people that weren't ever supposed to let us down, probably will. You will have your heart broken and you will break others' hearts. You will blame a new love for things an old love did. You'll fight with your best friend, you'll lament because time is flying by and you will eventually lose a loved one. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely and love like you've never been hurt- because every second you spend angry or upset it a second of happiness you can never get back.

Today,

I wish to be stronger than my excuses. I know someone who will never give up on me- and I have to keep going for that being. My faith in that someone, then, should provide me the fuel that I need. Fall down, get up, brush the dust off and walk again. That is life.

"Believe, for with god, everything is possible."
-Matthew 19:26

At Last

RIP Etta James. Amazing talent- I particularly loved "At Last".

Why should we be afraid to fall in love?

Why should we afraid to fall in love?
We fell in love- we didn't commit a crime,
Why should we sigh in secret?

I'll tell my tale today,
Even if it costs me my life
Real death is one witnessed by the world
Why should we suffocate away in secrecy?

The desire for him stays in my heart
That flame won't be burned away
To live in love, to die in love-
Is the only thing I know how to do

My love for you cannot be hidden,
Look, its light is visible in every corner
When there's no hiding it from god himself,
Why should I bother concealing it from the world?

Why should I be afraid to fall in love?

We're all a little weird

And life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutual weirdness called love.
-Dr Suess

The darkest days of my sadness

For hours on end, I slept. Falling asleep would be hardest part most of the time, but once asleep, you don't feel pain or hunger or loneliness or bitterness. In sleep I would drown in false euphoria, and when I would awaken, for a minute, I just didn't care about anything, until it all would just come rushing back- why I was suffering in the first place.

So very true

I have strong hunches

I intuit things, and I don't know how to explain it to anyone in a rational way. It is not a "rational" quality- sometimes, I even wish I never had it because some of the things my "gut" my pointed out to me have been downright cruel and painful to know.


For example, in the instance when I was invited to a housewarming ceremony of an about to be married couple (by the parents, who were going to gift this apartment to their son and his bride), I felt odd entering the apartment. I asked the parents what the name of the bride was. They said, "Pragya". I instantly knew that something very unpleasant will happen between the couple, but couldn't exactly say it. I went home, and an hour later, the parents called, crying, that the would be bride ran away with her lover. Shit, I think to myself. Really? In another instance, I wonder how a relative's husband is doing. Randomly, because I haven't ever met her husband, even though she often designed my clothes when I was living in India. A few months later, the husband passed away of cancer. People's past, people's life events, my own life events- seem to show up in my "hunch" world. Not everything, but bits and pieces of the puzzle. I do thank god sometimes, because I see important information for myself often.

I could have easily hurt people if I wanted with my knowledge of things I could read about them, but my most special gift is not intuition- it is compassion. I haven't lost that gift, as evidenced by my tears today as I read an article about the 230 million who go hungry in India every day. Tears are not enough, I know, but at least I feel for them. It is a start. Maybe I cannot do anything directly, but I could send aid to organizations that help there. As for direct intervention, I could also volunteer at local soup kitchens in Los Angeles for the homeless. I think I'm going to start doing that in the next two weeks.

I feel angry

It is important to recognize one's anger, or else it can hollow one's self. I admit it today to myself- I am angry. At what/ who? There are too many of those. I'm just going to say, I'm angry at fate. Life. Whatever it is that always delivers me the short end of the stick.

I've made mistakes, no denying that. But I've always gone out of my way to do things for people, to help in any way I can, to listen, to advise, to give. Then WHY do those very people break my trust, leave me when I need them most, bite the very hand that once fed them, get upset at me for the one mistake I made, expect from me things I cannot possibly give them? Don't I deserve better? I'm angry because my trust in humanity decreases, and thus decreases my will to do anything for it.

I deserve much better. I will get what I deserve.

This is how my uncle must have felt

during his final days- actually, much worse than what I am feeling. Going in for treatment, not knowing what the effects of it may be; not even knowing whether you'd make it past it alive. Struggling with a high (105 degree) fever for five weeks before succumbing to the killer disease.

It rankles me that we could not do anything for him, and this fever that I've had for about 6 and a half days now seems to have killed my strength and positivity. I feel so helpless, counting on the next day for the fever to at least decrease, if not subside completely. My brain and the back of my eyes burn, my esophagus hurts, I missed so many work days that I barely have any money left (just enough to pay rent next month and a few hundred more). To add to the matters, my roommate sent me the expense sheet from months ago to me today. Hopefully, when I drop my acting class tomorrow, I'll have enough funds. For the first time in years, I wonder if Krishna has turned his face away from me. I feel physically tortured by this disease; I feel mentally tortured because of life situations.

Added to this, the person I love is facing his own issues. I cannot do much to help him because I do not want to manipulate or control anyone's decisions- he needs gainful employment, but I feel that he wants to give freelancing a shot for longer. I am not needy, but there are days when I wish I woke up next to him. The desire for him is strong because I've had a taste of how sweet our relationship is; how unique it is; how lovely it is. It is like a fine wine that ages with time. I do not have to see him everyday, but it makes me so happy to lie on his chest at night. I know that it exhilarates him too- I can read his heartbeat and his eyes. But if he does not make progress professionally, it is impossible for him to become self sufficient and find his own living accommodations. I've seen him sad and depressed because of how he's stuck- and from how I see it, the best solution for this dilemma for him is to find a job, if only temporarily (for a few months). But then again, that may mean that he might get stuck in that whole job rut again. That would be a professional curse. How does one do this, are you listening, my god?

When my fever does reduce for a few hours, I try to think happier thoughts. Once I'm recovered, I want to-

-Take a proper camera and stage acting class or workshop. My art deserves it. My passion deserves it.
-Of course, ballet
-I have that camera and three lenses! Maybe someone can teach me some photography tricks?
-Money through acting- it's time to get serious about it
-Go on a picnic with goodies and sandwiches. Lay down a mat and enjoy the sun on my skin. I wish there were lakes and waterfalls around that I could bathe in.