I want something from life

Our soul grows old with pain and essentially, pain is what stays with us forever. I think it carries itself over lifetimes because our soul is eternal and once it experiences a certain pain, the sadness remains.

It is difficult to comprehend that my pain, now that I've experienced it, is here to stay forever. I cannot unlearn it. I can only counter it with happiness and little joys of everyday life. I cannot forget that my ex told me that he cringed at the thought of having children with me. I attempt to make myself forget everyday that the man I love now told me that he wanted no children and only weeks later, attempted to have children with a woman who is 20 years older than me. I would make a better mother than her and I do not say this because I am arrogant. It is the truth- she makes a better businesswoman than me. I know that I will make a better mother because of my inherent capability to forgive people and to love unconditionally. For most people today, dignity is an outdated word with little value and a stuffy connotation. To me, dignity matters and I will instill my child with my values.

He decided to attempt to have a child with her because she has lots of love to give. I wish he took the time to peer into my eyes the way he peers at my body. I have been hurt by those who are closest to me. I've been injured by friends, parents, family, lovers, cousins- they've all hurt me ruthlessly, sometimes just because they did not understand me. But I still forgive everyone and my dark round eyes are full of love and compassion. Her money and her sophistication and design talent combined don't hold a candle to me and my beauty.

I want a man to recognize that love in my eyes and to tell me, explicitly, that he wants me to be the mother to his children. I will have children one day and when I hold my baby close to me, I will forgive my creator for all of life's unfairness and the sadness that I've experienced in my short tenure on this earth. Otherwise, life is meaningless and I don't mind resigning. Of course, he won't be sad that I'm gone. He's clarified that his genitals will be washed and that he will take it as my wish if I die tomorrow. No, I won't die so soon- not until I give birth to another life, anyway. I'll grind my teeth and carry on- I'll live to create life.