Death, in this case, would solve everything. He will get to go back to the woman he loves. I will get to meet my best friend in heaven. I have so many questions that I need to ask him when I see him there. We'll be united, forever, for eternity.
My parents would be very upset. They will be devastated- they are the only reason that I still hang onto this thing called life. I have no other attachments. I have so much love to give, and the objects of my affection just don't seem to want it. The journey is torturous. Every breath feels heavy- I'm aware of every heartbeat. It hurts so much to be in this situation. Emotions of guilt, sadness, pain- they all cloud my heart right now. I want to hope for a better tomorrow- I really do. I want to hope that he will come to me with that smile on his face and tell me that he's happy being with me. That he would open up to me and stop being scared of being close to me. Have I ever hurt anyone intentionally in my life? Never would I dream to do such a thing. I only know how to offer, to give, to add to people's lives.
I see him with me. I look into the future and I see him being present in my life as a lover. My intuition has been spot on all of my life. Why so much pain then? Why is the path so difficult? Why does it feel like I'm walking on broken glass? I feel like the little mermaid, who exchanges her fins for legs- but she has to endure pain everytime she takes a step. She sings and dances for her prince. He mistakes a princess for the girl who rescued him at the temple, and he marries her instead. The little mermaid has the opportunity to return to the sea if she kills the prince. She instead chooses to kill herself and spare his life. Her death solves everything. The prince remains married to the princess; the little mermaid reaches heaven.
I pray for death sometimes. I don't belong to the earth. It's too cruel for my sensitive soul.
I pray for salvation.
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