When you get the crabs on your ****, you just shoo them away- "Shoo, go away" LMAO!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
My fault
Why do I keep falling into the same cycle time and time again?
My fever was returning this evening; I got caught up in a sad moment and sent a text to someone, telling him that I missed him and I wished there was a way for us to be together. What I meant was, I wish things were smoother in general- in no way did I mean for him to come by and see me today itself. I am not a demanding lover- in fact, in all my previous relationships, the issue was that I was too detached. I NEEDED to spend time alone. It is my fuel, and there are days when solitude is the best gift that I can give to myself.
He responded to my text, stating that maybe he is not the right person for me- he cannot see anyone everyday and that he does not expect that to change. I bit my lip in pain- his mood swings hurt like a whiplash and leave me in tears, or worse, numb. I wasn't asking for that, I responded. Let us say for argument's sake that I do ask him to see me daily- then, he cannot see me everyday, but he can live with a woman who does not make him happy in a relationship? I am not judging or questioning his decision, but I ask god these things sometimes.
As an actress, I will be working on shoots that take place outside of the city; sometimes, even outside the country. I will need the space and the understanding. I demonstrate repeatedly through my actions that I love him dearly and understand his limitations, but there are days when he takes his anger out on me verbally or through texts. I feel afraid to open up and my heart starts to beat faster if I want to say something to him out of sheer anxiety. I love him and it makes me sad that there is so much miscommunication- I'm sure I have a role to play too. I want to see him happy and I want to be there to see it. I wish to be a better lover.
My fever was returning this evening; I got caught up in a sad moment and sent a text to someone, telling him that I missed him and I wished there was a way for us to be together. What I meant was, I wish things were smoother in general- in no way did I mean for him to come by and see me today itself. I am not a demanding lover- in fact, in all my previous relationships, the issue was that I was too detached. I NEEDED to spend time alone. It is my fuel, and there are days when solitude is the best gift that I can give to myself.
He responded to my text, stating that maybe he is not the right person for me- he cannot see anyone everyday and that he does not expect that to change. I bit my lip in pain- his mood swings hurt like a whiplash and leave me in tears, or worse, numb. I wasn't asking for that, I responded. Let us say for argument's sake that I do ask him to see me daily- then, he cannot see me everyday, but he can live with a woman who does not make him happy in a relationship? I am not judging or questioning his decision, but I ask god these things sometimes.
As an actress, I will be working on shoots that take place outside of the city; sometimes, even outside the country. I will need the space and the understanding. I demonstrate repeatedly through my actions that I love him dearly and understand his limitations, but there are days when he takes his anger out on me verbally or through texts. I feel afraid to open up and my heart starts to beat faster if I want to say something to him out of sheer anxiety. I love him and it makes me sad that there is so much miscommunication- I'm sure I have a role to play too. I want to see him happy and I want to be there to see it. I wish to be a better lover.
Lost love
My friend Taso's birthday is coming up soon. After my ex decided to hack into my email account in 2010 out of sheer jealousy and send Taso an email to get away from me forever, Taso cut off contact with me for a while. I painfully accepted- what choice did I have in the matter?
I begged on Krishna's altar for months after, to no avail. I stopped visiting the temple to meditate for a while. My faith in God decreased a great degree until that fateful day when I randomly went to the temple when I was in the area and saw Taso sitting in the same meditation center, exactly five months after the last incident. Goosebumps crawled up my body as I realized that god actually actively heard my prayers. S/He is there- s/he holds me, protects me, loves me, gives me what I need and sometimes want. I do not need anyone else in my life other than my god- s/he is enough. I also realized why Taso and I were not meant to be. My gut feeling never agreed to it.
I spoke to Taso for a while that day. He held my hand in his and sat on the floor as I sat on a pedestal at the temple- he told me that I looked lovely, and that he had been thinking of me for a few weeks now. In fact, he had often seen me on the Temple's Webcam and wondered if it was me. We both apologized to each other- me for letting the whole thing happen; him for acting out as if it was my fault. We also agreed that the internet is a dangerous place and that it was best if we wrote letters to each other. I sent Taso a birthday card last year, wishing him the best to his family and him. He wrote a thank you letter back to me, which I tucked away at my altar as a thank you to divinity. I saw Taso again at the temple on my birthday (someone was getting married at the temple on my birthday and Taso was photographing it. How random, and how ironic). However, I have since not written back to him. I will soon, because
(a) Taso was the inspiration for me to look for a higher happiness and get out of an unhappy relationship
(b) His chapter in my life was intended to teach me faith, compassion and patience
(c) He deserves a birthday wish. I wish his twins, his ex and him much joy and togetherness.
(d) It makes me happy just to physically write to someone. That is how I used to stay in touch with my grandparents and friends when I was in India. Maybe he'll send me a note or a postcard back- it puts a smile on my face to receive one.
I begged on Krishna's altar for months after, to no avail. I stopped visiting the temple to meditate for a while. My faith in God decreased a great degree until that fateful day when I randomly went to the temple when I was in the area and saw Taso sitting in the same meditation center, exactly five months after the last incident. Goosebumps crawled up my body as I realized that god actually actively heard my prayers. S/He is there- s/he holds me, protects me, loves me, gives me what I need and sometimes want. I do not need anyone else in my life other than my god- s/he is enough. I also realized why Taso and I were not meant to be. My gut feeling never agreed to it.
I spoke to Taso for a while that day. He held my hand in his and sat on the floor as I sat on a pedestal at the temple- he told me that I looked lovely, and that he had been thinking of me for a few weeks now. In fact, he had often seen me on the Temple's Webcam and wondered if it was me. We both apologized to each other- me for letting the whole thing happen; him for acting out as if it was my fault. We also agreed that the internet is a dangerous place and that it was best if we wrote letters to each other. I sent Taso a birthday card last year, wishing him the best to his family and him. He wrote a thank you letter back to me, which I tucked away at my altar as a thank you to divinity. I saw Taso again at the temple on my birthday (someone was getting married at the temple on my birthday and Taso was photographing it. How random, and how ironic). However, I have since not written back to him. I will soon, because
(a) Taso was the inspiration for me to look for a higher happiness and get out of an unhappy relationship
(b) His chapter in my life was intended to teach me faith, compassion and patience
(c) He deserves a birthday wish. I wish his twins, his ex and him much joy and togetherness.
(d) It makes me happy just to physically write to someone. That is how I used to stay in touch with my grandparents and friends when I was in India. Maybe he'll send me a note or a postcard back- it puts a smile on my face to receive one.
Monday, January 9, 2012
I am suffering from Acute Sinusitis
The doctor diagnosed today. It hurts so much, but thankfully, it is easily curable and I am on antibiotics. Hopefully, within a few days, this will be gone, pinkness and glow will return to my face and I will be up and running, looking for gigs and preparing monologues again.
Unwell again
We don't realize how important good health is until we are sick. I got sick again on Saturday. When my muscles were sore on Friday, I dismissed it and went out to late night dessert with a group of friends. Unfortunately, despite my suggestion, the ladies preferred to sit outside and not inside the restaurant. I was shivering before long; moreover, Minoti's refusal to acknowledge my presence or to even say hello was causing me a lot of discomfort. I can do a 100 things right, but when I slip once, my friend will count it against me? Eventually, we left at 11:30. The next morning, I woke up with chills and feverish. Welcome back, Migraine, my best friend- the whole world could turn its back on me, but not you. You always return. My whole body was achy and I could barely walk. This continues till today. I stared in the mirror as I woke up at 2:00 am today and I looked pale and scary.
I cry out in pain and secretly wish I had someone I could be around right now, even if it means just having someone to talk to. It is quite embarrassing to admit it because since past two years, I've dealt with every sickness and problem on my own; therefore, I have become extremely resilient and I heal fast. However, I realize that my recent struggle with depression and the resulting drastic weight loss has compromised my immunity to a certain degree. Maybe this is Karma hitting me back- I am hurting because of the pain that I may have caused, or am causing, others. More likely, this is exhaustion carried over from the last few weeks and I just need to learn to relax. Whatever this may be, I am going to try to get to my doctor tomorrow (80 miles away). I wish to heal and regain my energy.
I cry out in pain and secretly wish I had someone I could be around right now, even if it means just having someone to talk to. It is quite embarrassing to admit it because since past two years, I've dealt with every sickness and problem on my own; therefore, I have become extremely resilient and I heal fast. However, I realize that my recent struggle with depression and the resulting drastic weight loss has compromised my immunity to a certain degree. Maybe this is Karma hitting me back- I am hurting because of the pain that I may have caused, or am causing, others. More likely, this is exhaustion carried over from the last few weeks and I just need to learn to relax. Whatever this may be, I am going to try to get to my doctor tomorrow (80 miles away). I wish to heal and regain my energy.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
You may not be her first,
her last or her only. She loved before and she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect- you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But she can make you laugh, causes you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes. Hold on to her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break- her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect from her more than she can give, smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she is not there.
– Bob Marley
Saturday, January 7, 2012
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