My fault

Why do I keep falling into the same cycle time and time again?

My fever was returning this evening; I got caught up in a sad moment and sent a text to someone, telling him that I missed him and I wished there was a way for us to be together. What I meant was, I wish things were smoother in general- in no way did I mean for him to come by and see me today itself. I am not a demanding lover- in fact, in all my previous relationships, the issue was that I was too detached. I NEEDED to spend time alone. It is my fuel, and there are days when solitude is the best gift that I can give to myself.

He responded to my text, stating that maybe he is not the right person for me- he cannot see anyone everyday and that he does not expect that to change. I bit my lip in pain- his mood swings hurt like a whiplash and leave me in tears, or worse, numb. I wasn't asking for that, I responded. Let us say for argument's sake that I do ask him to see me daily- then, he cannot see me everyday, but he can live with a woman who does not make him happy in a relationship? I am not judging or questioning his decision, but I ask god these things sometimes.

As an actress, I will be working on shoots that take place outside of the city; sometimes, even outside the country. I will need the space and the understanding. I demonstrate repeatedly through my actions that I love him dearly and understand his limitations, but there are days when he takes his anger out on me verbally or through texts. I feel afraid to open up and my heart starts to beat faster if I want to say something to him out of sheer anxiety. I love him and it makes me sad that there is so much miscommunication- I'm sure I have a role to play too. I want to see him happy and I want to be there to see it. I wish to be a better lover.