You can't buy me- I'm not for sale

"Have you ever dated someone with a fetish", A asks me during our dinner tonight.

I decided to take A out tonight because earlier last week, he had accused me of being "cagey" like all other women. He went as far as to claim that in his observation, a male-female friendship was always unfair to the men because they kept giving- financially, emotionally, physically- without receiving anything in return from the women. "That's a pretty big statement you're making there, buddy", I tell him. I realize that he is saying all these things to me on purpose because I refused to go to Alaska with him (his company was ready to pay for the trip). His reason for wanting to take me to Alaska- because female company is so soothing to him, especially from a sexy woman. "If that's not enough to make me feel like an object, I don't know what else is", I think to myself. Either way, I can't stand hearing this from someone. He can have his dinner that I sponsor for him tonight, and after this, it's going to be a good-bye. Of course, I'm not going to give him the benefit of a clear explanation. You just turned 31, buddy! Figure it out. Making constant sexual innuendos at me ("will you dress as a french maid when we're in alaska and squeal everytime you need help so that I can rescue you?") despite my protests, only because you find me attractive, is not going to help you. You came to me wanting my friendship at Barnes and Noble that July evening. I left to get coffee- you ran after me, telling me that you do not have enough female friends (Gee Whiz, I wonder why??)- can I be one of your few ones.

I'm not interested in you, dude. I love someone else. You already know that. Badmouthing the man I love or the situation that I find myself in only pushes me further away from you. Even if I did not love him, I could not bring myself to love you. You're shallow- only wanting to date skinny women with dark hair. You even said to me that if I was 120 pounds, I would not be so attractive to you. Well, hear out my shallow standards, then. I only date men who look better than me, and are 6 feet tall or above- alright, the former is a joke. But tall men are my type. You're 5'7- no such luck. Sorry!

You can keep your money, your Culver City Condo, your airline tickets. You can't buy me- I'm not for sale.

To answer A's question, I look back at my list of lovers. I've been intimate quite a few men, but only slept with a handful. "I've been with people who liked certain things", I remark, "But I'm not judgmental- I wouldn't call them fetishes". "But still, Shreya, some men like wierd things, like kissing your feet and your toes", he remarks. I smile- god, he's prudish, but he's like one of those men who never grew up- in a bad way. "Let's just say, that's pretty normal to me. In fact, I don't mind that." I say to him. "You've been around! Shreya!" He says it so loudly in that Indian restaurant where we're dining that it embarrasses me.This guy has been demanding my time in the evenings 3-4 times a week. Too much!

By the time he drops me home, I know that I'll have to cut off contact with him at some point. Don't know when, don't know how. But I'll have to. 

My mantra for living

This world gave me nothing

I took nothing from this world

Why should I give a shit about others

When they never bothered about me.

You can be

You can be a pussy without having a vagina.

Radhe's demands from Krishna

 Krishna's heart, which had always reached out to many shepherdesses, pleasuring all and loving all, felt a unique tug towards this unique woman - Radha. Radha became the focus of Krishna's heart's desires - an irreplaceable lover whose power of pulling Krishna to herself- she could not be any longer ignored by Krishna. Radha made Krishna repent for his straying ways and when Krishna could finally take no more, she relented. At such times, their passionate lovemaking was marked by an aggressive sexual position taken by Radha. She took the man's position of being on top, and even after they had made love, she commanded him to plait her hair and attend to her-

"Paint a leaf on my breasts!
Put colour on my cheeks!
Lay a girdle on my hips!
Twine my heavy braid with flowers!
Fix rows of bangles on my hands,
And jewelled anklets on my feet!"

Her yellow-robed lover
Did what Radha said.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to you, my dear Krishna!

Today brings me a lot of joy- just the feeling of having someone as grand as you as my caretaker makes my day, my week, my month, my year- my life!

You are adorable as a baby, naughty as a young boy, enchanting as an adolescent, an ideal man as an adult- and I have yet to find a word that would do justice to describe all of your aspects. You own me- I surrender to you, mind, body and soul.

I felt your kiss today on my lips as I was chanting your name. I had goosebumps on my skin for a long time after that. I love you. As long as I have you, why should I need another man? Never- my first marriage is with you- and it is sufficient for me.

If I die

If I die in a battle zone, box me up and send me home.

Put my medals on my chest, tell my mother I did my best

And tell my love not to cry- I'm a warrior, I fight till I die.

Test of my faith

This is a test of my faith- how far do I believe that Krishna will go for me to save me?

My uncle's cancer has relapsed- this leaves me in tears. I'm at a loss for thoughts at this point. Last year, I fasted for two weeks to pray to god. Now, I don't know how many more weeks I should fast for.

I was sitting on Venice Beach next to the waves as I received this news. It's almost as if god had timed it that way. I became numb as I heard it from my dad- my uncle is 50- hardly an age to lose one's life. I begged god to take away my life and grant my uncle his. He has so much to live for- a beautiful wife, my two cousins, my father, my grandparents.

I have nothing to live for- a broken dream of a career, a broken heart from lack of love- I'm just hanging by the thread. If you want, cut my thread. I promise, I won't even mind or say anything- I'll go peacefully. I'm at peace today with all of my brokenness.

I fell down later and hurt myself as I probably lost all sense of where I was walking, plus, the lights today were down in Venice Beach.

A life for a life, Krishna- take mine in exchange for his.