I'm in a driven mode

Feels like I have my old me back- with a renewed positivity and never take no for an answer attitude.

“Sorry, dude. Didn’t mean to lock you in!”

What could have been a day of frustration and non activity instead resulted in a day of inspiration and accomplishment.

Yesterday, at 10:30 AM, my roommate left our home with her two friends for Ojai. I declined to join them because, well, for one, I had this feeling that I am going to be sick during some part of the day and I did not want to drag the group down. Secondly, I knew that there was something at the Krishna temple that I wanted to attend in the middle of the day.

After I made acquaintance with her two friends, cut her birthday cake with them and bid them all goodbye, I rushed to the bathroom to shower and get ready for my temple visit. I was excited to partake in the ceremony in which they would chant the Bhagvad Gita in Sanskrit, an ancient Vedic language which is even older than Latin.

As I skipped joyfully down the ladders to the parking lot, I realized that my roommate’s car was parked behind mine- our Tandem parking structure often leads to such problems. My fear was echoed by her voice on the phone when I called her- “Eh, yeah, dude, crap, I have the keys. Sorry, didn’t mean to lock you in. Do you want me to come back and give them to you?” It was her birthday; moreover, I did not want to make her friend drive her back another 45 minutes. “No, don’t worry about it. Enjoy the trip and take care.” I answered calmly. Inwardly, I was annoyed and wished that she had had enough common sense and courtesy to keep a spare set.

No, I wasn’t going to miss my trip to see my Krishna. I needed to see him- Akin to Sudama, I need him to fulfill my one true desire. I have to get to him somehow, I thought to myself. I couldn’t walk- the ceremony had already started and I would surely be delayed heavily if I did that. “Why not take the bus?” I thought to myself. I’d almost never done that before in LA- except for a few random times. I ran to the computer and figured out the timings. I ran to the bus stop at 12:20. The bus arrived at 12:27 and by 1:00, after a quarter-mile walk, I was there at the Yagna at the temple.

Where there is a will, there is a way. I was able to get to where I needed to go- obstacles can't stop me when I really want something.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to you, my dear Krishna!

Today brings me a lot of joy- just the feeling of having someone as grand as you as my caretaker makes my day, my week, my month, my year- my life!

You are adorable as a baby, naughty as a young boy, enchanting as an adolescent, an ideal man as an adult- and I have yet to find a word that would do justice to describe all of your aspects. You own me- I surrender to you, mind, body and soul.

I felt your kiss today on my lips as I was chanting your name. I had goosebumps on my skin for a long time after that. I love you. As long as I have you, why should I need another man? Never- my first marriage is with you- and it is sufficient for me.

Realization

I was feeling bitter in the morning towards that particular person who treated me very unfairly- and once bitterness starts to form, boy, does it grow exponentially by the second. It is such a scary experience to realize that! The only way for me to control it was to see the bigger picture and understand that I am facing these consequences because of my own deeds- and that I am the one to blame for his behavior towards me because I behaved like that with people in my life previously. Therefore, I must learn my lesson this time.

At the same time, I realized how fortunate I am that at least god gifted me with the ability to see the end of it clearly and that I will win my love back in the end. Most people are not able to recognize those special messages from Krishna/ god/ the Universe/ the higher power/ divinity- whatever you want to call it.

Taking responsibility for your actions can be quite humbling, but at the same time, it can offer you a lot of peace and the realization that you have the power to change things and situations in your life. I promise to change every day, and I do see that change in myself a lot more now.

I love you, Krishna, you even came to visit me in my acting class today :) I couldn't believe it, but you were there- you're everywhere for me, aren't you?

I leave everything to K...

I leave everything to Krishna. That way, I give up on my worrying. As I sat there in my meditative center yesterday, I stared at Krishna for a while. I realized that I was staring at the world's most beautiful man ever. His dreamy, luminiscent, doe eyes, staring back at me, with a mild, sweet smile on his red, full lips. I stare at him unabashedly. He's too beautiful...forget higher spiritual connections- this lifetime may just be spent absorbing his physical beauty. I don't think I'm over it yet...I don't know if I'll ever get over my first love.

He is perfect. I felt a knot in my gut/ esophagus area yesterday, since the morning, because of stress. As I meditated, I realized that this is the place in our body where we store our ego. I asked for Krishna's help in undoing this knot. It takes a few minutes, but little by little, I work on it and it is gone, finally. That felt wonderful- I felt like I had been sick for years, and now I am able to finally get up from my bed and breathe easily. I need to leave things to him and just rest.

Let's make a bet

Dear Krishna, 

Let's make a bet

If I win, you're mine.

If you win, I'm yours.

I am learning...

He who perceives Me everywhere and beholds everything in Me never loses sight of Me, nor do I ever lose sight of him.
— The Bhagavad Gita VI:30

I am learning, Krishna, I am learning. I am starting to see you in everything now. I even see you when I look in the mirror. You test me, from time to time. It shatters me completely- I'm still a naive little child- and then I pick up my own pieces and restore myself to go on to have another day of loving you. I will love you forever. The soul is eternal, so are you. Therefore, I do not ever worry about death anymore. My body, my mind, my material belongings are yours to keep- you can take back whatever you've given to me- because none of it is mine, anyway.

Krishna is love- and there is love in all of us. Some of us just don't see it. They are the ones who need even more loving.