To love

‎"To love is the most important thing in life. When you love someone because that person loves you in return, surely that is not love. To love is to have that extraordinary feeling of affection without asking anything in return. You may be very clever, you may pass all your examinations, get a doctorate and achieve a high position, but if you have not this sensitivity, this feeling of simple love, your heart will be empty and you will be miserable for the rest of your life." --- J. Krishnamurti

I can't stay upset

with the people I love. It's a weakness- but the ones I love are always truly special to me; they mean more to me than life itself. I hurt myself if I ever hurt them.

Yes, I'm the same girl who jokes, "I lost my reputation, but I never missed it." Sure, I'm flirtatious by nature and every man is like a notch on my bedpost- I dated a lot of people in the short amount of time that I was single, but when I love someone, I cannot bring myself to make love to someone other than this person. My heart just doesn't agree to it and I won't ever do anything that my heart refuses.

If you're reading this, know that I love you. A couple days ago, I had a hunch to ask you how you were- I didn't mean to bother you, but that moment, when I suddenly felt uncomfortable, I only wished that you were okay, no matter what you were doing or who you were with. I know your heartbeat and if I ever become blind, I'll know you by your voice and your touch. I'll know you through sensing you and through the joy that overcomes me with your sheer presence.

I also know that it's tough. But these are things that people before us have overcome- luckily, we're both blessed with good health and sound minds. I always seek to be bigger than our circumstances and stronger than our problems.

I wait for you, as I always have, not because I don't have a choice or because I'm weak, but because I know we belong with each other. I wanted to write to you today, but I wasn't sure if it bothers you to hear from me or if it makes things more complicated, so I stopped myself. Take care. You are missed.

Worth a Share

Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their sickbed -

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die.

Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.
I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
 
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

 We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and  relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' offamiliarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

How strong am I?

Let's just say, being a scorpio rising and leo sun, I can handle situations that others have to be medicated for.

I will always be the one

who risks it all- the nomad who loves for the sake of loving, who breaks all boundaries and loves beyond reason itself.

I'm in a driven mode

Feels like I have my old me back- with a renewed positivity and never take no for an answer attitude.

“Sorry, dude. Didn’t mean to lock you in!”

What could have been a day of frustration and non activity instead resulted in a day of inspiration and accomplishment.

Yesterday, at 10:30 AM, my roommate left our home with her two friends for Ojai. I declined to join them because, well, for one, I had this feeling that I am going to be sick during some part of the day and I did not want to drag the group down. Secondly, I knew that there was something at the Krishna temple that I wanted to attend in the middle of the day.

After I made acquaintance with her two friends, cut her birthday cake with them and bid them all goodbye, I rushed to the bathroom to shower and get ready for my temple visit. I was excited to partake in the ceremony in which they would chant the Bhagvad Gita in Sanskrit, an ancient Vedic language which is even older than Latin.

As I skipped joyfully down the ladders to the parking lot, I realized that my roommate’s car was parked behind mine- our Tandem parking structure often leads to such problems. My fear was echoed by her voice on the phone when I called her- “Eh, yeah, dude, crap, I have the keys. Sorry, didn’t mean to lock you in. Do you want me to come back and give them to you?” It was her birthday; moreover, I did not want to make her friend drive her back another 45 minutes. “No, don’t worry about it. Enjoy the trip and take care.” I answered calmly. Inwardly, I was annoyed and wished that she had had enough common sense and courtesy to keep a spare set.

No, I wasn’t going to miss my trip to see my Krishna. I needed to see him- Akin to Sudama, I need him to fulfill my one true desire. I have to get to him somehow, I thought to myself. I couldn’t walk- the ceremony had already started and I would surely be delayed heavily if I did that. “Why not take the bus?” I thought to myself. I’d almost never done that before in LA- except for a few random times. I ran to the computer and figured out the timings. I ran to the bus stop at 12:20. The bus arrived at 12:27 and by 1:00, after a quarter-mile walk, I was there at the Yagna at the temple.

Where there is a will, there is a way. I was able to get to where I needed to go- obstacles can't stop me when I really want something.

Never give up

on something you can't go a day without thinking about.