Good deeds

No good deed ever goes unpunished. That's what life has taught me to this day, and I continue to not learn this lesson.

That's my Karma. Despite that, I would like to remain compassionate and do good things, even to those who hurt me. God has his eyes, and I'm sure that he loves me for being this way. I sure do love him, despite everything.

Dying

Dying is easy...living in this world is tougher. That's what requires real strength.

I want to be happy when I grow up

‎"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn’t understand the assignment.
I told them they didn’t understand life."
— John Lennon

Realization

I was feeling bitter in the morning towards that particular person who treated me very unfairly- and once bitterness starts to form, boy, does it grow exponentially by the second. It is such a scary experience to realize that! The only way for me to control it was to see the bigger picture and understand that I am facing these consequences because of my own deeds- and that I am the one to blame for his behavior towards me because I behaved like that with people in my life previously. Therefore, I must learn my lesson this time.

At the same time, I realized how fortunate I am that at least god gifted me with the ability to see the end of it clearly and that I will win my love back in the end. Most people are not able to recognize those special messages from Krishna/ god/ the Universe/ the higher power/ divinity- whatever you want to call it.

Taking responsibility for your actions can be quite humbling, but at the same time, it can offer you a lot of peace and the realization that you have the power to change things and situations in your life. I promise to change every day, and I do see that change in myself a lot more now.

I love you, Krishna, you even came to visit me in my acting class today :) I couldn't believe it, but you were there- you're everywhere for me, aren't you?

I am sorry

I'm so sorry for everything. When I look back at all the times that I've hurt the people who love me, I want to just cry and apologize to them. I cannot see some of them anymore to apologize to them in person- but I still try to make an effort. Of course, many do not believe me. I do not blame them. I cannot believe I hurt Jimmy like that- I should have had the decency to break up gracefully, and not make it a mess like I did. I admit it, it is totally my fault at how badly the break up went.

I should have never lied to my parents when I was younger- I was living a double life, and it sure as hell caught up to me. Now that I always tell the truth to my mother, everything feels so much lighter. I should have never taken her for granted. I should have never been unfaithful to my love as I was in the beginning of our dating relationship. That definitely still bothers me, to this day. I have many, many, many faults. I promise to always be faithful in every relationship that I have now.

I see why I am suffering today- it's because of my past deeds. Every one of them is catching up to me. However, I am glad, in a way, that I learn my lessons now. I am so much mindful today than I ever was before.

Whenever anyone blames me for something now, instead of trying to counter it, I sit back and take the blame. I feel a lot better doing that, than trying to argue against it, even if it is not all my fault. I forgive the person for not looking outside their judgment of me to see the whole situation. I take all criticism in a positive vein and promise myself to do better next time.

I understand why I am delayed in achieving my wishes and goals- so that I can learn my lessons before I get them. And I sure am learning.

The sweetness of Krishna

Adharam Madhuram, Vadanam Madhram,
Nayanam Madhuram, Hasitham Maduram,
Hrudhayam Madhuram, Gamanam Maduram,
Madhuradhipather Akhilam Madhuram 1

Sweet are thine lips, Krishna,
So is thine sweet cherubic face,
Sweet are thine jet black eyes, Krishna
So is thine soulful laugh,
Sweet is thine loving heart, Krishna
So is thine beautiful gait,
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet.

Vachanam Madhuram, Charitham Madhuram,
Vasanam Madhuram, Valitham Madhuram,
Chalitham Madhuram, Bramitham Maduram,
Madhurathipather Akhilam Madhuram. 2

Sweet are thine sweetest words, Krishna,
So is thine divine story.
Sweet is the place of your stay , Krishna,
So is thine greatness,
Sweet are thine movements, Krishna,
So is thine confusion.
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet.

Venur Madhura, Renur Madhura,
Panir Madhura, Padou Madhura,
Nrithyam Madhuram, Sakhyam Madhuram,
Madurathipather Akhilam Maduram 3

Sweet is thine flute , Krishna,
So is thine foot-dust,
Sweet are thine hands Krishna,
So are thine feet.
Sweet is thine dance Krishna,
So is thine friendship.
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet

Geetam Madhuram, Peetam Madhuram,
Bhuktam Madhuram,Suptam Madhuram,
Roopam Madhuram, Thilakam Madhuram
Madhurathipather akhilam Madhuram. 4

Sweet is thine song, Krishna,
So is what you drink,
Sweet is what you eat, Krishna,
So is your sleep,
Sweet are thine looks , Krishna,
So is thine Tilaka,
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet.

Karanam Madhram, Tharanam Madhuram,
Haranam Madhuram, Ramanam Madhuram,
Vamitham Madhuram, Samitham Maduram,
Madhurathipather Akhilam Madhuram. 5

Sweet are thine deeds, Krishna,
So is thine path of salvation,
Sweet is thine theft , Krishna,
So is thine play of love,
Sweet are thine oblations, Krishna,
So is thine tranquility,
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet

Gunja Madhura, Mala Madhura,
Yamuna Madhura, Veechi Madhura,
Salilam Madhuram, Kamalam Madhuram,
Madhurathipather Akhilam Madhuram. 6

Sweet is thine necklace of berries, Krishnam
So is thine garland,
Sweet is thine river Yamuna, Krishna,
So are the ripples in the river,
Sweet is thine water , Krishna,
So is the lotus in the water,
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet

Gopi Madhura, Leela Madhura,
Yuktham Madhuram, Muktham Madhuram,
Drishtam Madhuram,Sishtam Madhram,
Madhurathipather akhilam Madhuram… 7

Sweet are thine Gopis , Krishna,
So is thine playful sport,
Sweet are thine right thoughts, Krishna,
So is thine salvation,
Sweet is what you see, Krishna,
So is what is left out,
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet

Gopa Madhura, Gavo Madhura,
Yashtir Madhura, Srushtir Madhra,
Dhalitham Madhram, Phalitham Madhuram,
Madhurathipather akhilam Madhuram… 8

Sweet are thine Shepherds , Krishna,
So are thine cows,
Sweet is thine staff, Krishna,
So is thine creation,
Sweet is what you trample , Krishna,
So are thine jokes,
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet

Madman vs Mystic

The only difference between the madman and the mystic is that the world of the madman is filled with fear, and the world of the mystic is filled with awe and a certain knowing that what is happening is happening for a reason.