Success

Success: Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked.

Faith

Doubt sees what is – Hope sees what is and can be – Faith sees what is and will be

When people ask me how I can be so sure that the outcome will be in my favor, I always refer to faith. Then, they look at me as if I am a lunatic, or I am speaking another language. I feel that we have become so disillusioned with everything that doubting seems much easier than believing. Of course, it is much easier to look at what's wrong, accept that we can't fix it, and then just sit back, than to do something about it- something as simple as believing! I am myself guilty of such thoughts sometimes- but, I have learnt to recognize and change my mental state because my physical reaction to negativity is so pronounced. We sit and complain about how bad things just keep happening to us- Well, if we expect something, it will happen. Negativity attracts more of the same.

It is not easy to believe that things will be golden when we're going through the worst, but once we train our mind to think in that way, it can get us through any struggle that life presents us with.

This is so touching

CNN Heroes- this is so touching. This woman is amazing. Hats off to her.

This one's for you, Jimmy

Jimmy, you loved me in the true sense. I am so sorry that things did  not work out between us and that the love died because of disagreements about my career choice. I just want to thank you- you did your best for both of us. I did, too, but I fell short. I am sorry- the breakup was one of the most difficult times of our lives- especially for you. I am so proud of you that you went on to Medical school despite everything, and that you were able to soldier on through your exams despite the breakup.

You did all you could for me- you took me out, you woke up in the morning to drop me to train stations- heck, you even talked to my dad for me. Your family was wonderful to me- we would have been  married had I not made the choice to become an actress. Sometimes, I wonder whether I made the right choice in choosing that particular career and giving up everything else. Please realize that I did not want to abandon our relationship- I gave it 2 years of struggle and arguments and disagreements before finally bidding you goodbye. To this day, your love haunts me. Your care, your concern for me, the little things you did, my dear. How you fed me food with the ladle spoons, how you held my hand when your drove. You did not let me step on the ground. I was always your little princess, Jimmy.

I do not know if anyone will ever treat me as a princess ever again, J. But, I will always hope that you and your Pooja have a beautiful life together, and that when you look back at me a few years from today, you realize that I never meant you any harm, and that I was genuine in my efforts to salvage whatever we had. I am very sorry for whatever hurt I inflicted upon you. May god bless you, as he already is, from what I can see :) As for me, do rest assured that I am paying the price for being selfish. God did do justice to you. I am suffering right now for causing you suffering.

Happy Thoughts

Yesterday, I ended up at the Kali Temple in Laguna Beach, without realizing it. Kali, of course, is the "mother" of the universe, the divine energy herself. Yesterday was Mother's Day- what an awesome coincidence, I thought to myself.

As I was sitting there, praying to the mother, I saw a lady dressed in red with bangles in her arms and henna on her hands. I felt this wish surge over me- I wanted to be in her place at that moment. Red is the color that most brides choose to wear on their wedding day in India. I decided that day that I will wear red for my wedding as well. The bangles on her hand moved as she clapped her hands to the beat of the chants. I want to get married in the traditional way of my ancestors- there is something so feminine, so beautiful about the Indian bride. It's this fantasy that I have in my mind- except that I won't be the "blushing" bride- god, I'd be so excited on my wedding day that I'd probably dance more than anyone else! Heck, I'll probably dance my way to the altar. Love has always been a challenge for me. My wedding day will be the happiest day of my life.

I asked Ma Kali to please bless me and make my wishes come true. I believe that she will.

Radhe's love for Krishna

Love in Separation: Separation tests the endurance of love. The physical distance between the lovers burns the dross and taint of lust and true love purified of all its carnal concomitants shines forth. The heart of the lovers is a scene of expectancy and despair. 

Radha feels a strong repulsion for making herself up, the idea of it nauseates her in the absence of Krishna. “Whom should I adorn myself for?” asks she peevishly. She wipes the vermillion mark off her forehead, and casts her pearl necklace into the Jamuna river. Sandalwood paste and soft moonlight scorch and burn her like hot summer winds and aggravate her pain and agony. The cool fragrant breeze of the monsoon  bites her and enkindle her passions. She fondly hopes to meet Krishna in a dream but the Almighty is so cruel-hearted that she fails to get to sleep. And when, perchance, she drops off for a moment and sees Krishna in her dream she wakes up disturbed and writhes with pain. She spends the night restlessly tossing about on her bed.

A crow’s cawing gives her great solace and comfort for according to popular belief it lignifies the return of her lover. She promises the crow a bowl of milk-rice and assures it to gild its beak.

Radha has been reduced to skin and bone and her maids fear to fan her with a lotus leaf lest she should be blown away with the puff of breeze. When her maids prompt her to forget such a callous lover who has renounced her and gone away, she regrets her inability to do so, for her very existence is bound up with his memory. The moment she drives him off her thoughts she would cease to exist. She is reluctant to die as she has no one in mind to whom she can bequeath Krishna. Radha is haunted by the memory of Krishna. She wistfully remembers the days spent in his company. She wishes she had the wings of a dove and could fly and meet him. She fondly asks,

            When shall I get rid of this endless sorrow?

            O, when shall I re-enjoy the moonlight

            and play with the lotus like a bee? 

She recalls his qualities and recounts them to her maids. Her anxiety grows every moment. She longs to meet him. “When will he be back and stroke my breast and kiss and caress me and fulfil my desires?”  Her condition deteriorates, she has fainting fits and even the cool and fragrant breeze fails to revive her. Nothing less than the touch of Krishna’s hand can save her now. Her suffering reaches its climax when she becomes delirious and forgetting her identity imagines herself to be Krishna and invokes the name of Radha. Then a feeling of tedious numbness overtakes her. Her eyes are bedimmed and she wails listlessly:

           

            Madhava, no longer can I live without you,

            You have gone to Madhupur.

            Oh! how shall I cast this mortal bond and fly unto you.....?

Radha’s love is not unreciprocated; Krishna is equally afflicted with separation from her. In these yearnings of Radha and Krishna to meet each other the devotees have seen the individual soul’s yearning to meet the supreme soul.

I leave everything to K...

I leave everything to Krishna. That way, I give up on my worrying. As I sat there in my meditative center yesterday, I stared at Krishna for a while. I realized that I was staring at the world's most beautiful man ever. His dreamy, luminiscent, doe eyes, staring back at me, with a mild, sweet smile on his red, full lips. I stare at him unabashedly. He's too beautiful...forget higher spiritual connections- this lifetime may just be spent absorbing his physical beauty. I don't think I'm over it yet...I don't know if I'll ever get over my first love.

He is perfect. I felt a knot in my gut/ esophagus area yesterday, since the morning, because of stress. As I meditated, I realized that this is the place in our body where we store our ego. I asked for Krishna's help in undoing this knot. It takes a few minutes, but little by little, I work on it and it is gone, finally. That felt wonderful- I felt like I had been sick for years, and now I am able to finally get up from my bed and breathe easily. I need to leave things to him and just rest.