They say that when you ask for things from the universe, it delivers them to your step.
I have experienced this before, sometimes in rather mysterious ways. I then ask god today for a healthy, happy relationship. I ask for problems to resolve and for my faith in the power of the divine to become stronger. I ask for love and I ask for strength to overcome the odds. I ask for him to heal- I ask for healing myself. I ask for wisdom to take the right steps in this difficult situation. I understand now that life is always going to be difficult for me. It just means that I'll always have to struggle more than I deserve to- much more than others. That is okay, as long as I know what's in store.
I ask god to free myself from the belief that I was not good enough for him to stop his sexually deviant behavior and fantasies. I ask for understanding that this is his issue and not mine. I ask for my laughter back. I ask for peace and reassurance that things are going to be okay.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
I want something from life
Our soul grows old with pain and essentially, pain is what stays with us forever. I think it carries itself over lifetimes because our soul is eternal and once it experiences a certain pain, the sadness remains.
It is difficult to comprehend that my pain, now that I've experienced it, is here to stay forever. I cannot unlearn it. I can only counter it with happiness and little joys of everyday life. I cannot forget that my ex told me that he cringed at the thought of having children with me. I attempt to make myself forget everyday that the man I love now told me that he wanted no children and only weeks later, attempted to have children with a woman who is 20 years older than me. I would make a better mother than her and I do not say this because I am arrogant. It is the truth- she makes a better businesswoman than me. I know that I will make a better mother because of my inherent capability to forgive people and to love unconditionally. For most people today, dignity is an outdated word with little value and a stuffy connotation. To me, dignity matters and I will instill my child with my values.
He decided to attempt to have a child with her because she has lots of love to give. I wish he took the time to peer into my eyes the way he peers at my body. I have been hurt by those who are closest to me. I've been injured by friends, parents, family, lovers, cousins- they've all hurt me ruthlessly, sometimes just because they did not understand me. But I still forgive everyone and my dark round eyes are full of love and compassion. Her money and her sophistication and design talent combined don't hold a candle to me and my beauty.
I want a man to recognize that love in my eyes and to tell me, explicitly, that he wants me to be the mother to his children. I will have children one day and when I hold my baby close to me, I will forgive my creator for all of life's unfairness and the sadness that I've experienced in my short tenure on this earth. Otherwise, life is meaningless and I don't mind resigning. Of course, he won't be sad that I'm gone. He's clarified that his genitals will be washed and that he will take it as my wish if I die tomorrow. No, I won't die so soon- not until I give birth to another life, anyway. I'll grind my teeth and carry on- I'll live to create life.
It is difficult to comprehend that my pain, now that I've experienced it, is here to stay forever. I cannot unlearn it. I can only counter it with happiness and little joys of everyday life. I cannot forget that my ex told me that he cringed at the thought of having children with me. I attempt to make myself forget everyday that the man I love now told me that he wanted no children and only weeks later, attempted to have children with a woman who is 20 years older than me. I would make a better mother than her and I do not say this because I am arrogant. It is the truth- she makes a better businesswoman than me. I know that I will make a better mother because of my inherent capability to forgive people and to love unconditionally. For most people today, dignity is an outdated word with little value and a stuffy connotation. To me, dignity matters and I will instill my child with my values.
He decided to attempt to have a child with her because she has lots of love to give. I wish he took the time to peer into my eyes the way he peers at my body. I have been hurt by those who are closest to me. I've been injured by friends, parents, family, lovers, cousins- they've all hurt me ruthlessly, sometimes just because they did not understand me. But I still forgive everyone and my dark round eyes are full of love and compassion. Her money and her sophistication and design talent combined don't hold a candle to me and my beauty.
I want a man to recognize that love in my eyes and to tell me, explicitly, that he wants me to be the mother to his children. I will have children one day and when I hold my baby close to me, I will forgive my creator for all of life's unfairness and the sadness that I've experienced in my short tenure on this earth. Otherwise, life is meaningless and I don't mind resigning. Of course, he won't be sad that I'm gone. He's clarified that his genitals will be washed and that he will take it as my wish if I die tomorrow. No, I won't die so soon- not until I give birth to another life, anyway. I'll grind my teeth and carry on- I'll live to create life.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I always seek love but pain finds me instead
Today marks the year and a half anniversary of when we met. This generally would be an unimportant date but we’ve been spent every important day away from each other (apart from birthdays). In fact, on our year anniversary, he got frustrated with the double life he was leading and attempted to end our relationship. He took her out on Valentine’s while I stayed home and prayed that he wouldn't do something special with her.
I’ve given up believing that life is ever fair- it never was to me. But I’ll take whatever I can out of it. I just wanted to do something tonight- whether it’s meeting for drinks or dinner or walk or whatever. But I can’t ask him because he confessed the other day that he was more comfortable with the person in the previous relationship that with me. Proximity increases comfort, he says. But you have to comfortable to be close. It’s a catch-22. He still helps her, fresh after their break up, so I guess he is more comfortable with her. I wonder if he’ll ever be comfortable in his relationship with me. He never once wrote about me, he never photographed me. None. Am I always going to be a "compartmentalized" part of his life? I always wonder. I wander and wonder.
I always seek love but pain finds me instead.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
White Nights
"For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn
to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have
no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. And
all the time your soul is craving and longing for something else. And
in vain does the dreamer rummage about in his old dreams, raking them
over as though they were a heap of cinders, looking in these cinders for
some spark, however tiny, to fan it into a flame so as to warm his
chilled blood by it and revive in it all that he held so dear before,
all that touched his heart, that made his blood course through his
veins, that drew tears from his eyes, and that so splendidly deceived
him!"
- Fyodor Dostoevsky, White Nights
- Fyodor Dostoevsky, White Nights
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Life's ironic
She's 44, successful, rich (a trust fund baby) and childlike.
I am 24, still climbing up the ladder, rich only because my ancestors were and well-mannered because my family comes from a certain class in the society, and mature beyond my years.
She had the opportunity to attend art school and become a successful designer. Although my family and relatives saw my potential for art and tried to nudge me into the direction of art school, at 17, when my entire portfolio was stolen, I decided that it was not meant to be. Moreover, I had grander plans. It would be easier to get a backup job with an Economics degree and Math minor than with an arts degree. Eventually, I know that I am made for acting- nothing else would do.
Now that she is in her forties, she wants children. The man I love chose her at a point in his life when he needed the care and the love that an older woman could offer him. This was a slap to my face, but life slapped me a bigger slap when she called to tell me that he wanted to have a child with her. I remember looking at myself in the mirror an hour later and wondering what had happened- I suddenly wondered whether my child is not worth having for him. He had always told me that he never wanted children. They why did he actively try with her? It hurt to think about it. I declared my ultimatum to him that I want children also at some point in my life.
I dreamt a dream a few months ago when I was playing with a boy (around age 4) and twin girls (around one years old). I felt that they were my children- the boy had my eyes. The girls, well, they were lighter skinned but had my dainty features.One of them had straight hair. The other one had my Shirley Temple curls.
Her and I are perfect complements- we each have what the other doesn't have. My darkness versus her light inconsistency. My jet black hair against her blonde waves. Her blue eyes are probably more "beautiful" than my piercing brown ones. Come to think of it, if they had ended up making a child, the baby would have been very attractive. My babies, on the other hand, would probably not be attractive in a conventional sense. But all the wealth in the world would not make me as happy as my own children would, I am sure. I will have them one day, and it doesn't matter if I have to raise them alone. I'll do it. Like a true scorpion, I'll be the best mother that I can be. Maybe I could not be the best lover or the best daughter or the best sister, but I will be my best at motherhood.
I pray and I hope that she too finds her joy somewhere. From one woman to another, wish you the best, lady, wherever you are.
I am 24, still climbing up the ladder, rich only because my ancestors were and well-mannered because my family comes from a certain class in the society, and mature beyond my years.
She had the opportunity to attend art school and become a successful designer. Although my family and relatives saw my potential for art and tried to nudge me into the direction of art school, at 17, when my entire portfolio was stolen, I decided that it was not meant to be. Moreover, I had grander plans. It would be easier to get a backup job with an Economics degree and Math minor than with an arts degree. Eventually, I know that I am made for acting- nothing else would do.
Now that she is in her forties, she wants children. The man I love chose her at a point in his life when he needed the care and the love that an older woman could offer him. This was a slap to my face, but life slapped me a bigger slap when she called to tell me that he wanted to have a child with her. I remember looking at myself in the mirror an hour later and wondering what had happened- I suddenly wondered whether my child is not worth having for him. He had always told me that he never wanted children. They why did he actively try with her? It hurt to think about it. I declared my ultimatum to him that I want children also at some point in my life.
I dreamt a dream a few months ago when I was playing with a boy (around age 4) and twin girls (around one years old). I felt that they were my children- the boy had my eyes. The girls, well, they were lighter skinned but had my dainty features.One of them had straight hair. The other one had my Shirley Temple curls.
Her and I are perfect complements- we each have what the other doesn't have. My darkness versus her light inconsistency. My jet black hair against her blonde waves. Her blue eyes are probably more "beautiful" than my piercing brown ones. Come to think of it, if they had ended up making a child, the baby would have been very attractive. My babies, on the other hand, would probably not be attractive in a conventional sense. But all the wealth in the world would not make me as happy as my own children would, I am sure. I will have them one day, and it doesn't matter if I have to raise them alone. I'll do it. Like a true scorpion, I'll be the best mother that I can be. Maybe I could not be the best lover or the best daughter or the best sister, but I will be my best at motherhood.
I pray and I hope that she too finds her joy somewhere. From one woman to another, wish you the best, lady, wherever you are.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Sometimes
it seems as if no matter what I do, it won't be enough. Doesn't matter how hard I try, I'll never be good enough. That makes me want to not even attempt. If I can't get it right, what's the point?
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Black and White
Why should the process matter when you get the results that you want?
I don't know why it does. Sometimes you want the process to go a certain way, but who said that we can control life? What we think is ideal, morally right and inherently good or evil are just that- our own viewpoints. The idealists probably suffer the most in this world because they refuse to conform.
Something that life teaches me everyday is that not everything is black and white in this world. There are gray areas, and whether I like it or not, the sooner I accept it, the better I'll understand life.
I don't know why it does. Sometimes you want the process to go a certain way, but who said that we can control life? What we think is ideal, morally right and inherently good or evil are just that- our own viewpoints. The idealists probably suffer the most in this world because they refuse to conform.
Something that life teaches me everyday is that not everything is black and white in this world. There are gray areas, and whether I like it or not, the sooner I accept it, the better I'll understand life.
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