Another battle lost

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to see you anymore. It's too hurtful"

This is how it ends. A beautiful friendship that we both had cultivated and maintained for over 9 months now.

I met Eric at Bar Lubitsch, a Russian bar in Hollywood. He struck me as easygoing, gentle, and lovely to talk to- all the qualities that I would look for in a friend. In this city full of poseurs, people like Eric are a breath of fresh air. We hung out subsequently, grabbing dinners/ drinks, watching Bollywood films (Eric is obsessed with Indian music and Indian culture), etc. He invited me to several concerts; none of which I bothered to attend because I was too busy with theater and other activities at that time. However, he was always understanding and made the effort to catch up with me.

Around January of this year, Eric asked me if we were ever going to date. I lied- I told him that I could not offer that to anyone at that time. He understood.

I was going through a difficult time in February of this year, both professionally and personally. I decided to remove myself from all social settings and just spend my time meditating. I would wake up every morning, my fingers cold and my heart even colder, with tears in my eyes and my heart aching. I would ask all kinds of questions to myself and god- it was difficult to get any task done at that time. But I somehow pulled myself out of bed to attend singing/ dancing/ acting classes. In hindsight, I really thank my professors at that time, who pushed me to give my best in every scene possible, which caused me to forget about my grief for some time.

All of a sudden, another blow hit me in April of 2011, when I realized that I was lied to and cheated on in the worst way possible. I crumbled to that ground as soon as I reached home that night. I could not think- everything was sinking in and my stomach was being twisted. It felt like a dagger was stabbed into my heart. I decided the next day that I was going to date again, and who better to date than my friend Eric, who is reasonably attractive and has feelings for me too. Soon after, Eric kissed me. We went out on his birthday, and he held my hand when we walked the Venice Beach together. Here was a guy who wanted to offer me everything that he could, but I was in love with someone else altogether. Life is a big practical joke, I said to myself as I decided that I could not date anyone else. Instinctively, I know that I am going to end up with the person I love- just give it time and lots of love and patience, Shreya. 

So, I meet Eric, and break it to him as gently as possible, that I could not date him anymore- I am too broken inside. Another lie. I am always full of capability to love- no matter how bad things are. It is just one of those gifts that god has bestowed upon me. He understands, again. I am too embarrassed to talk to him again, so I don't make any efforts to reach out to him, until he reaches out to me again in June. Soon after, we meet once again and we go out to El Cyd, this Mexican bar in Silver Lake. God, it is so much fun to hang out with Eric- he really makes me feel like I have a friend in this world. I got a little tipsy and make a mistake- a joke turns into my falling into Eric's arms, and he makes the fullest use of this moment to kiss me. He picks me up as we walk back to my car (Eric is 6'4"- a slender giant with the gentlest blue eyes ever) and tells me that there is nobody else he would rather spend time with walking around the neighborhood. He takes me to his room- there is a poster of Goddess Kali and Lakshmi on the walls. The room is full of music and weed parapharnelia. I take off my shoes and curl up on his futon- he kisses me again. He kisses my hands, my neck, my stomach. I ask him to stop. Frustrated, he asks me the reason for my hesitation. I tell him the truth, for the first time- I have unresolved feelings for someone else. I am sorry. He seems confused, but appears understanding. When I am ready to leave, he pulls me against him and says, "God, you're beautiful, but you're so mysterious. Am I going to see you again?" "Of course, silly. What, do you think I'm going to disappear somewhere?" I try to joke. I feel miserable- guilty, upset, selfish. You name it. 

Tonight, I wanted to see him again. I called him and he came by. We went to eat dinner. I try to pretend that nothing happened between us that day. We walk around Santa Monica Third Street for hours looking for a bar, before deciding to just sip beer at my place. At my home, as I offer him the beer, he sips a couple of sips and blurts out "I think we should address what happened that night. It is very difficult for me to do this hot and cold thing. You're the only girl that I ever fell in love with." I cannot bring myself to meet his eyes as he says these words. I really fucked it up. I say sorry to him and tell him about my love for another man, at which point, Eric gets up and tells me that it was completely unfair for me to play this game. What game, I ask him? I've been naive but I don't play games. I apologize, again, and he tells me that I should indeed feel sorry. He says that he enjoyed knowing me, but he cannot see me ever again.

He takes off in his Volkswagen, leaving me lost in my thoughts. Another friendship lost because of feelings coming in the way. Another guy who tells me that he can't be my friend because I am too attractive to him.Why? God, I'll miss him- his blue eyes, apple red cheeks, sweet smile, easy demeanor, honest opinions. We are way too different- he plays life safe, I thrive on taking risks. He mistrusts people; I trust everyone until proven otherwise. We would have never worked out as a couple, but we had potential to be really good friends.

Another battle lost. God bless you, Eric. May you always be happy and smiling.