Shiva

Ouch

It hurts to have one's ideals crushed. If you're as idealistic as moi, you know that ideals are one of the few things that matter- values, humanity and compassion are what differentiate us from animals. Since I believe in love so strongly, it crushes me to know that it is so easily exchangeable and so undervalued in this world. When did this change occur? When did we learn to place a price tag on love? Why is it that I become so disappointed when a person I love very much chose convenience over love? Perhaps my expectations of people are too high and unrealistic. Is love even real, or is it just an idea? Were we humans always like this?

Such questions are what I struggle with daily.

Fortunate

Sometimes, I feel very fortunate. I just get lucky- like the fact that my traffic ticket was dismissed. I mean, at this point in my life, it would really hurt my pockets to pay that fine. It's never a good time to pay off fines and tickets, but now more then ever, I need those funds to pay for things that I genuinely need to move forward life wise or career wise.

I feel a little stuck sometimes. I go to sleep when I feel really overwhelmed, which is a bad habit, but I would rather do that than turn to more harmful addictions. I relax for a second just to feel my heart beat. All the depression and anxiety in the past year seems to have had a negative effect on my poor esophagus. I feel the area below my ribcage and untie the knots from my sore esophagus by massaging it with my fingers. Then, I close my eyes and attempt to meditate and ground myself. I think about how lucky I am and how I am named after "Shree", the Hindu goddess of fortune, beauty and prosperity. I am fine, I am well, and once I am awake, I will power on. It's my promise to myself.

Unless it's

mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.

-Dreams of an Insomniac

I begin

every day hoping that it will be better than the day before. Even as my heart breaks one hundred times in a single day, I remain good. I try to laugh along at the jokes that life plays on me. I love with all my heart everyday and I stopped expecting anything a long time back from anyone. I just hope that in the end, I will have made peace with myself knowing that I always made an effort to strive for the right things. I just hope that one day, the tears will be few and far between and that smiles will fill my world. Not sad smiles, but happy, fulfilled, content smiles.

Nightmares

My dreams are just weird sometimes, but the nightmares are downright deadly.

I was writing a letter in my dream, trying to list everything that I wanted in my lifetime, but I was unable to move the pen or lift it. Move to the next scene, I'm pregnant and something is sucking the life out of me, but I cannot exactly point to what was doing that. I just felt something that was pulling me down to the floor- a force strong enough to vacuum the unborn life out of me. I was resisting gravity with all my strength. I woke up and stared at the ceiling of my room for an hour since I could not sleep.

I don't know what this means- I hope I get to live to see my child. Before I go, I would want to have the chance to be a good daughter/ friend/ girlfriend/ wife/ actor/ mother.