Why should we be afraid to fall in love?

Why should we afraid to fall in love?
We fell in love- we didn't commit a crime,
Why should we sigh in secret?

I'll tell my tale today,
Even if it costs me my life
Real death is one witnessed by the world
Why should we suffocate away in secrecy?

The desire for him stays in my heart
That flame won't be burned away
To live in love, to die in love-
Is the only thing I know how to do

My love for you cannot be hidden,
Look, its light is visible in every corner
When there's no hiding it from god himself,
Why should I bother concealing it from the world?

Why should I be afraid to fall in love?

We're all a little weird

And life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutual weirdness called love.
-Dr Suess

The darkest days of my sadness

For hours on end, I slept. Falling asleep would be hardest part most of the time, but once asleep, you don't feel pain or hunger or loneliness or bitterness. In sleep I would drown in false euphoria, and when I would awaken, for a minute, I just didn't care about anything, until it all would just come rushing back- why I was suffering in the first place.

So very true

I have strong hunches

I intuit things, and I don't know how to explain it to anyone in a rational way. It is not a "rational" quality- sometimes, I even wish I never had it because some of the things my "gut" my pointed out to me have been downright cruel and painful to know.


For example, in the instance when I was invited to a housewarming ceremony of an about to be married couple (by the parents, who were going to gift this apartment to their son and his bride), I felt odd entering the apartment. I asked the parents what the name of the bride was. They said, "Pragya". I instantly knew that something very unpleasant will happen between the couple, but couldn't exactly say it. I went home, and an hour later, the parents called, crying, that the would be bride ran away with her lover. Shit, I think to myself. Really? In another instance, I wonder how a relative's husband is doing. Randomly, because I haven't ever met her husband, even though she often designed my clothes when I was living in India. A few months later, the husband passed away of cancer. People's past, people's life events, my own life events- seem to show up in my "hunch" world. Not everything, but bits and pieces of the puzzle. I do thank god sometimes, because I see important information for myself often.

I could have easily hurt people if I wanted with my knowledge of things I could read about them, but my most special gift is not intuition- it is compassion. I haven't lost that gift, as evidenced by my tears today as I read an article about the 230 million who go hungry in India every day. Tears are not enough, I know, but at least I feel for them. It is a start. Maybe I cannot do anything directly, but I could send aid to organizations that help there. As for direct intervention, I could also volunteer at local soup kitchens in Los Angeles for the homeless. I think I'm going to start doing that in the next two weeks.

I feel angry

It is important to recognize one's anger, or else it can hollow one's self. I admit it today to myself- I am angry. At what/ who? There are too many of those. I'm just going to say, I'm angry at fate. Life. Whatever it is that always delivers me the short end of the stick.

I've made mistakes, no denying that. But I've always gone out of my way to do things for people, to help in any way I can, to listen, to advise, to give. Then WHY do those very people break my trust, leave me when I need them most, bite the very hand that once fed them, get upset at me for the one mistake I made, expect from me things I cannot possibly give them? Don't I deserve better? I'm angry because my trust in humanity decreases, and thus decreases my will to do anything for it.

I deserve much better. I will get what I deserve.

This is how my uncle must have felt

during his final days- actually, much worse than what I am feeling. Going in for treatment, not knowing what the effects of it may be; not even knowing whether you'd make it past it alive. Struggling with a high (105 degree) fever for five weeks before succumbing to the killer disease.

It rankles me that we could not do anything for him, and this fever that I've had for about 6 and a half days now seems to have killed my strength and positivity. I feel so helpless, counting on the next day for the fever to at least decrease, if not subside completely. My brain and the back of my eyes burn, my esophagus hurts, I missed so many work days that I barely have any money left (just enough to pay rent next month and a few hundred more). To add to the matters, my roommate sent me the expense sheet from months ago to me today. Hopefully, when I drop my acting class tomorrow, I'll have enough funds. For the first time in years, I wonder if Krishna has turned his face away from me. I feel physically tortured by this disease; I feel mentally tortured because of life situations.

Added to this, the person I love is facing his own issues. I cannot do much to help him because I do not want to manipulate or control anyone's decisions- he needs gainful employment, but I feel that he wants to give freelancing a shot for longer. I am not needy, but there are days when I wish I woke up next to him. The desire for him is strong because I've had a taste of how sweet our relationship is; how unique it is; how lovely it is. It is like a fine wine that ages with time. I do not have to see him everyday, but it makes me so happy to lie on his chest at night. I know that it exhilarates him too- I can read his heartbeat and his eyes. But if he does not make progress professionally, it is impossible for him to become self sufficient and find his own living accommodations. I've seen him sad and depressed because of how he's stuck- and from how I see it, the best solution for this dilemma for him is to find a job, if only temporarily (for a few months). But then again, that may mean that he might get stuck in that whole job rut again. That would be a professional curse. How does one do this, are you listening, my god?

When my fever does reduce for a few hours, I try to think happier thoughts. Once I'm recovered, I want to-

-Take a proper camera and stage acting class or workshop. My art deserves it. My passion deserves it.
-Of course, ballet
-I have that camera and three lenses! Maybe someone can teach me some photography tricks?
-Money through acting- it's time to get serious about it
-Go on a picnic with goodies and sandwiches. Lay down a mat and enjoy the sun on my skin. I wish there were lakes and waterfalls around that I could bathe in.