Thoughts rush back

to a time when I was still a teenager. I always rebelled in ways that "mattered"- drugs and cigarettes only go so far and all teenagers go through a phase of trying them, but the ones who break the status quo, date against family approval and choose careers that are "high risk" are the real rebels.

I always lived life the way I wanted to live it. My parents detested the fact that I loved someone who was not Indian (they've eventually come around to the idea of it); moreover, this was someone they did not approve of. As a result, I lost out on going to a better school or taking more acting classes. I had to rush to graduate within two and a half years. I could have had a much better GPA; I could have done more internships that mattered- I could have had my parents' support had I chosen comfort over love. But I chose love because that's what the heart chose. No regrets- this is all just an observation. My best friend in this world, my intuition, pointed out the glaring truth to me- don't stay with someone who manipulates you into giving up on your life's passion. However, even though it did not work out, I learned a lot from my previous relationship. I do miss money and all the options that come along with it sometimes, but

I won't ask for money. Why should I pray to god for money when he's blessed me with a heart that is made of gold?

I am a former ballerina

Yep. That's me. Not a fully trained one, but I did train in dance and yoga for a number of years. After my accidents, I lost a lot of my flexibility. However, I am still pretty darn flexible for someone who is so out of shape. I want to ballet again after I saw my ballet flats lying in my parents' garage. I smiled ruefully as I realized that I've neglected for my art for too long- be it acting, dancing, or painting. Someone or the other close to me in my life always had something negative to say about it. I don't ever regret any relationship that I've had- it's just that I wish I had the good sense to pull myself out of a relationship which prevented me from reaching out to what makes me happy.

I always had the build and the small ankles for dance- it would help me a lot with stage movement and getting rid of awkwardness or stiffness if I pick it up again. Here's to an art form that makes me as graceful as I am today- not very, but thankfully, at least a little.

Ophelia is mine

I own that role- Ophelia will be played by me. I will see to it that I get it- the audition takes place the beginning of next month. I have plenty of time to prepare and be the best Ophelia that I can be.

Problems

Don’t tell God how big your problem is.  Tell your problem how big your God is.

Lunar Eclipse

The lunar eclipse yesterday (December 10, 2011) reminded me of the time in India when the women in my family gathered to pray for a few hours- it is supposed to be a time of change and transformation.

This lunar eclipse is supposed to affect Geminis and Sagittarius- my mother is a Sagittarius, while my brother and the man I am in love with are Geminis. My brother just left for a skiing trip to Mammoth two hours ago. I wish I had the time to hug him today- I haven't hugged him in over two weeks now, and I won't see him this weekend either- maybe next weekend, I will get to spend some time with him. It is my mother's birthday today, so I prayed for her happiness and good health.

As for the man I love, I hope he is well and happy. I hope the changes that do take place in his life are positive. I hope that I make him as joyful as (or even more joyful than) he makes me.  

Rumi

I love Rumi's work so much- he inspires me to look within people's soul to find love and to heal every problem in my life with love. His mysticism, his faith in the power of love and his way of connecting god with love are all invaluable gifts to humanity. Here's to a sufi fakir who brought me one step closer to true love and god.

The Blocked Road

I wish I knew what you wanted.
You block the road and won't give me rest.
You pull my lead-rope one way, then the other.
You act cold, my darling!
Do you hear what I say?

Will this night of talking ever end?
Why am I still embarrassed and timid about you?
You are thousands. You are one.
Quiet, but most articulate.

Your name is Spring.
Your name is wine.
Your name is the nausea
that comes from wine!

You are my doubting
and the lightpoints
in my eyes.

You are every image, and yet
I'm homesick for you.

Can I get there?
Where the deer pounces on the lion,
where the one I'm after's
after me?

This drum and these words keep pounding!
Let them both smash through their coverings
into silence.


-Rumi