void

What I am experiencing right now is a rather scary feeling. I cannot focus on anything good or joyful- not even love, not even supreme love (Krishna), not my parents, not any life goals, nothing at all. I am just sitting there; hoping for the next moment to be better than the previous one. I woke up 4 times during the night. I could not fall back asleep, as much as I tried. I felt so anxious in the pit of my stomach. I feel just terrible. How can life be so fickle and so full of nothing?

Is it all an illusion? What does it even mean? The most frustrating part about this whole ordeal is that I cannot point my finger to what exactly is wrong...I don't know myself- If you don't know what is wrong with yourself, how do you fix it?

It feels like my soul was sucked out of me, and I am here just with my body, and nothing else.

upset

upset. that's what I feel. i feel a bit let down sometimes, and it's not other people's fault at all. it's my high expectations from them that causes this sorrow when they are not met. The highest expectation of all is from Krishna- when it feels like he has turned his face away from me, that's when I can't take it anymore and I burst into tears. If he can't even help me, then I truly have no hope.

But then again, at the end of the day, I know that no doubt, while I've failed Krishna many times, he has never, and will never, fail me.

Radhe Radhe.

Sevillanas

Someone I know is going to Spain soon. I wish them the best for their trip and I just remembered that when I was learning the Flamenco, I also learned some Sevillana steps. They look like a lot of fun, and everyone in
Spain knows how to dance them. Here's an example-

It took me a few months to learn this! Have fun, SMC.

anyway

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

- Mother Teresa

Teach me how to live

Be fearless and pure; never waver in your determination or your dedication. Give freely. Be self-controlled, sincere, truthful, loving, and full of the desire to serve. Do not get angry or harm any living creature, but be compassionate and gentle; show good will towards all. Cultivate vigor, patience, will, purity; avoid malice and pride. Then, you will achieve your destiny.

-Krishna (Bhagvad Gita)

 And so, I live by his instructions. Thank you, my beloved, for guiding me. 

Shakespeare- Sonnet 130- The Dark Lady

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun,

Coral is far more red, than her lips red,

If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun:

If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head:

I have seen roses damasked, red and white,

But no such roses see I in her cheeks,

And in some perfumes is there more delight,

Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.

I love to hear her speak, yet well I know,

That music hath a far more pleasing sound:

I grant I never saw a goddess go,

My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.

And yet by heaven I think my love as rare,

As any she belied with false compare  -Shakespeare I love this Sonnet- we love people for their quirks. I have too many, maybe that's why nobody loves me. I'd like to think that the one who falls in love with my would appreciate them all. I'd definitely fall in love with theirs.

my prayer

I am miles from where you are, I lay down on the cold ground And I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms.