A letter to K

I want to leave everything up to you, Krishna. I will never fear, for you are always with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

I love you so much, Krishna. I feel lonely sometimes- my fingertips get cold as I lie alone in my bed. My breath speeds up, then slows down abnormally. My heart jumps up and down, and yet, my body does not have the strength to get up. At the same time, I cannot make myself go back to sleep. I cry tears of hopelessness, until I reach that one moment when I am able to catch hold of myself and chant "Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Krishna....". It is my faith in you that keeps me going day after day.

I won't lie- there are times when I feel that everything that I believe in is just a figment of my imagination- every wish, every desire. But then, the countless times that you saved me or granted me my wishes flash in front of my eyes. I have no right to think that Krishna does not listen, I rebuke myself. I do not know your leela, my lord. As a human, I think that I have everything figured out. Foolish me! I begin to look for a pattern, a way to "solve" the problem, a way to figure out your grand plan, your leela. Little do I realize that I am too small, too insignificant, too inconsequential to even know where to begin. I return disappointed. It is my ego, my false arrogance that causes me this suffering. Can you please do me a huge favor, Krishna, and destroy these devils of my mind? They are my biggest enemies, and prevent me from taking steps to move further in my life.

I need you to keep my faith strong and unshakable. Yes, I cannot avoid suffering, but I can learn to overcome it. Perhaps this suffering is there for a reason- and that reason is that I remember you more when I suffer. I will change that, I promise. I will always pray to you and remember how you were with me in my times of need- even when the garden of my life is green again. Will you please be my teacher? Who better than you, my lord. If you're the Captain of my ship, I will surely reach the shores safe.

Your Truly,

Shreya

Draupadi and Krishna- Faith Beyond Reason

There is a beautiful story in the ancient Mahabharat scriptures about Draupadi, the beautiful and powerful wife of the Pandavas and a whole hearted devotee of her lord Krishna. There was one particular episode where she had been dragged into an evil King’s castle and thrown into the middle of a packed courtyard.

Here, she was ridiculed and tormented by many of the king’s noblemen and as a final insult, the brutes decided to strip Draupadi of her clothing in front of the entire audience. Draupadi held on to her saree (a long Indian traditional dress) for as long as she could, but the strength of the soldier pulling it away became overbearing for her.

In sheer desperation she remembered her Krishna and called out his name as an absolute last resort for any kind of help. Krishna never came, and her grip on the saree was loosening fast. She carried on calling from the depth of her heart, still holding onto her saree with everything ounce of strength she could muster, yet still her Krishna never came.

Draupadi was almost about to pass out as she could no longer hold on before she finally gave up all her efforts and resigned herself to having her dignity completely stripped with the whole city watching on. At that moment, Krishna appeared and turned her saree into a never ending robe, so no matter how many times her perpetrators pulled away at her saree, the dress kept unfolding further and further with no end in site. Finally the soldiers gave up with exhaustion as they were unable to pull the saree of her, no matter how many times they tried.

A few days after the incident had passed, Draupadi met Krishna and with fury scolded him for not helping her earlier when she first cried out for help. Krishna replied by telling her that when she first called out for the divine, she also kept her hands firmly on her saree. Her ego was not ready to fully submit to the divine and her faith was not strong enough to trust Krishna to come and save her.

It was only when she lost all sense of hope, that her ego had finally loosened its grip on her saree that her heart allowed space for the divine to entire and work its charm. Only then could Krishna make his appearance and fulfill her every need and desire. This story is quite complex, as it demonstrates the power of absolute faith without holding on to any level in doer ship in ones actions. Yoga teaches us to unite with our infinite consciousness and access our unlimited powers, yet to do so; our egos must not block the passages for this great power.

However, yoga also teaches us to always be 100% in the moment and always give our full efforts with every action we undertake. The subtlety lies within working with a strong level of conviction, yet still allowing space for the divine to enter your life. Though Draupadi was giving her 100% in holding onto her saree, she had not surrendered her ego to her actions and thus was not able to draw upon her infinite powers. Only when she had lost her sense of doer ship connected with her actions, did the divine appear and help her in her hour of need. Faith beyond reason is what sees us through any given situation in life.

Three ways to love him

This is an amazing article. It made my eyes tear up because it meant so much to me, and I found it in the greatest hour of need. It was almost as if it was written in order for me to read it-

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/spirituality/vintage-wisdom/Three-ways-to-adore-Him/articleshow/6467476.cms\\

Basically, there are three ways to love Krishna- with affection, with sweet devotion, or as a friend.

His parents (the ones who raised him, not his biological ones) adored him. I feel that way towards Krishna sometimes, especially when I look at his swing on my altar. I swing baby Krishn's swing, and I can almost picture him smiling back at me. It's a joyful feeling. I want to leave the world and join Krishna so that I can be in that moment forever with him.

I also love him like his Radha did- with sweetness- how can you not love Krishna in such a way? Once you understand him, how can you not feel so attracted to his beauty, his grace? Krishna is the complete man- the ideal one. No man can compare, of course, and my heart won't accept any less.


Sometimes, I ask for his friendship. I want friends like Krishna in my life. He never abandons me, although it seems like he is testing me from time to time. However, I never ask him why I am facing these problems. Instead, I ask him to stand by me, like a good friend would, and to help me with my struggles- he is omnipresent and omnipotent. He's always mine. 

Krishna, When I am in trouble, when there is not the faintest trace of a single ray of hope, you appear to allay my doubts and fears; only You can grant liberation to those who seek nothing else but to be freed from worldly bondages after carrying out their worldly duties.

Heaven

Everyone wants to see heaven, but nobody wants to die!

attractive, not beautiful

Always, Shreya is the attractive one- in an unconventional way. Something is off about me, something broken, damaged, weird- that attracts people to me. Although people do tell me that I am a beauty, I think, what they mean is, "Shreya, there's something that draws me to you. I can't point a finger on it". When I was 18, I asked god for bigger boobs. I had them by my 19th birthday. When I was 20, I asked god to make me "look good" so that men would be attracted to me (I was a scrawny 95 pounds at 5'6). Sure enough, I get hit on all the time. It used to be wonderful. Now I wonder what's wrong with men. Actually, scratch that. I wonder what's wrong with me that I don't seem to enjoy the compliments anymore. I know why- because they do not mean anything to me.
What I should have asked god- "Dear god, please make me so good that men fall in love with me." I'll ask for that tonight.

Here's me-

Danny Boy

Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
'Tis I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.

And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
And I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.

And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be
If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me
I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

Sometimes, when people die, you know that they are not really gone. 

 

The body dies, but the spirit is eternal. Reminds of the time when my grandfather remarked, pointing to me, "She is the reincarnation of my mother",

because I would not stop crying as we went to my great grandmother's death remembrance services- I was a few months old that time.

Death is the biggest truth of the universe; yet, there is no bigger lie than the belief that death is the end of it all. After I die, please offer me sunflowers on my grave. I love sunflowers. 

Cats everywhere

I keep seeing cats everywhere...every corner I walk to, every street I cross, every neighborhood I roam around. This started happening for the past couple of months more than ever before...and I guess the timing makes sense. I always considered myself as more of a "dog" person than a "cat" person- but things have changed. I am more in tune with my feminine side now, of course, and the mysteriousness of cats is an inherently female characteristic. Also, cats signify intuitiveness and guardianship. God has guarded my path, and I am blessed (for the most part, although sometimes it feels like a curse) with a keen sense of intuition. It all fits together rather well.