The Art of Living

I went to a Yoga/ Art of Living Center today- it is located close to USC. They had a spiritual chanting ceremony for Shiva's special day, Shivratri.  They chanted several mantras and the room was in a trance. I closed my eyes and let go of all my worries as I sat there for close to two hours. It felt amazing to me- the sensation of Euphoria. I felt like I was high on drugs, without actually doing them. This meditation thing is good for me- I don't even smoke anymore- haven't done that for weeks. I have given up drinking alcohol for some time as well. People may call me uptight, but I realize that it does me more harm than good to drink. It numbs me temporarily, but ultimately, I have to deal with my issues.

They say that Shiva is the kindest of all Vedic gods- he does not hesitate to grant his followers their wishes- whether they are good or bad people. He is called Shiva the "innocent"- guileless, ascetic, Shankar. There's another side to him- Rudra- the destroyer, the wild, fierce one. He's sometimes described as half-masculine, half- feminine- he is one with his consort, goddess Shakti. I am like him by nature- a wanderer, a renunciant, naive, unkempt, androgynous. I do not feel fearful at all of his "angry" side. I feel connected with him- I do not even need to vocalize my wishes when pray to him- he knows them as he watches tears stream down my face- I feel his hand caress my hair. "I love you, Shiva. Please protect me", I plead to him. I am sure that he hears me.

It's Shivaratri today- Om Namah Shivay

During the samudra manthan (the churning of the ocean) by the Gods and demons, haalaa-hala, a poison, came out of the ocean. It was toxic enough to have wiped out all creation. At this juncture, on the advice of Lord Vishnu, the gods approached Lord Shiva and prayed to him to protect their lives by consuming this poison. Pleased with their prayers, and out of compassion for living beings, Lord Shiva drank the poison but it was so intense that something was required to cool its effects as his throat became blue. Help was taken from Chandra (the moon) and finally a snake was placed around his neck which cooled the effect of the poison and the throat remained blue. Thus Lord Shiva is also known as Neelakantha, the one with a blue throat.

Today is his special day. I fast today in his honour- he was the first one I turned to when I was a child. Om Namah Shivay.

Would I have been able to look myself in mirror ever again?

That's the question that I asked myself, after a producer made a sexual proposition towards me. It makes my head spin to think about it. I will never take that route to become successful. "That's fucking gross", I think to myself.

I remember what my ex wrote about me all too clearly. I am this "Marilyn Monroe" character to him- and it did make me realize that the legendary actress and I have several things in common. Sexual assault at an early age- check.  Unhappy childhood- check- I grew up too fast. My ex noted that I have an ingenue charm, a combination of innocent and sexy, with an hourglass shaped body and a dark, breathy voice. Men lust after my body, but "nobody will ever stick around". I asked myself about that- I am a good person, I am patient, I am decent looking, I am somewhat intelligent, I do not demand much from people- then why is it that men only notice my body? I do not want to sound conceited, but I would be what many call a "package". Then why is love so difficult?

As per him, I am impulsive, and that is what is going led to my downfall- I am airy, I am stupid, I am naive. I trust too easily, and people dupe me and move on, leaving me broken to pick up the pieces every time. However, what he does not realize that I am very strong, and if anything, I was his support system for the 5 years that he stayed with me. He is much better off now- he's in medical school, with someone who wants what he wants. I am genuinely happy to see that- isn't that what loving someone means? I know how to love.

Why am I so sexual?  Why do I feel so guilty about it sometimes?  Isn't sexuality supposed to be a natural part of us? We are animals, after all.

What makes me happy?

Acting. Watching fun films and plays; Visiting new places- I descend from the gypsies- we are travellers by nature. Making people laugh- sometimes as my own expense; good food, and cooking good food for people; making new friends from all walks of life; Good sex*

*Good sex= sex with someone who means something to you, with someone you care for. The most enjoyable sexual experience I ever had was with an Italian economist from the Seattle area- but it was just that. Nothing more, nothing less. I've had better experiences than that.

What's stopping me from being happy?

Myself. There's no bigger truth than that. Wasting my time, waiting around for things to happen- it's fucking meaningless- I'm not getting any younger. Lack of movement/ stagnation- I feel trapped sometimes- I was not created to live a stable life. Not learning fast enough- I feel like I need to learn to grow.  Limits- I don't like to impose limits upon myself- sometimes, I feel like I live in a parallel universe where they don't exist.

I want to retain my ability to take a leap without worrying about falling.
I am grateful for it- that's what pushes me forward everytime I fear.

Although I have traits that are similar to Ms. Monroe, I do not want to end up like her. I want certain things from this universe-

Honest, good friends. An honest, good lover- who would hopefully also be my best friend. When lovers are best friends, there is a great bond of trust between them- an unspoken understanding of sorts. That is beautiful. I hope that the next time someone puts a ring on my finger, it lasts forever.
Lovely children- one day. Even if they're not my own, I would like to nurture. I have a maternal side.
An Oscar for "Best Actress" would be wonderful. However, I can work on that myself. I'm confident that I don't need any help from any other sources for that one.
The ability to overcome obstacles.

Will I have all of the above? You bet- no doubt I will.

No adults allowed in this area without children accompanying them

At 10:30 at night, suddenly, I felt the urge to go out somewhere. Not at a bar or a club, but at a place where I could run free. I know of such a place- i said to myself. I run out, seizing the moment- it would be midnight soon, and the place may not be open then.

I decide to stop by at a park. I walk a couple of lapses around the park, reflecting on life and what it means to me. Bicycles are parked alongside the fences and a man in stretching around the bleachers. "Why is he stretching so late at night?" I wonder. Oh well! I can't complain about much really- the air is fresh, filled with the scent of night jasmine, and pleasant against my skin. My feet take me towards the swing. I remember how happy I used to be as a kid when i used to sit on swings and my used to push me up. Up, up and away I go!

I decide that I want to feel alive again- the same way that I did when I was six. I sit down on the swing and stretch my legs out. For a moment, I feel scared- what if the swing breaks from my weight. Then, I laugh to myself, "Silly, you're just 110 pounds now. You lost all that weight this week. The swing can't break from your weight." I laugh aloud- feeling the breeze on my face and enjoying the wonderful feeling that I get in the pit of my stomach. I swing for 5 minutes, until I see the written rules- No adults allowed in this area without children. I crack up- It used to be that kids could not go to these areas alone. The irony! Either way, I enjoyed my 5 minutes of swinging, and plus, when you break rules, everything's so much more fun.

My Krishna

I love my Krishna so much. He's wonderful, really. He fills me with joy whenever I need some uplifting, he fills me with hope whenever I feel like there is no motivation to go on anymore. He gives me signs everytime I ask for them. I was sitting at the temple today, and this one lady was singing. Her voice was lovely, beautiful enough to bring tears to my eyes. I shed a few tears as I asked Krishna why he has forsaken me. I felt like a little child in a playground, who cannot see his/ her parents and is surrounded by bullies.

I went outside the temple, and sure enough, I saw another sign. On my way back home, I saw several other signs. Once I was home, I turned on my laptop and turned on Pandora. I heard a beautiful song, which translates to something like this-

The destinations appear blurred
You lower your eyes for a moment
On the path where your head is heavy with pain
That is where you find the road to god

You change your destiny
with your courage, and you move along
my footsteps will serve as your guide
You may not be aware, but god is around you

Take a look at yourself
You walk, worn down by circumstances
Why are you so disheartened?
The lines of destiny on your hands
can be altered by your own courage
You can paint the world
with the color of your dreams

I am the one who always walks with you
So what, even if it turns dark
When the night takes over,
You will find my abode
and a new dawn will be bestowed
You may not be aware, but god is all around you.

Marks made by everyone are erased by time,
The ones who leave a permanent mark in this world
Are the ones who accept challenges as my will and fight them

Whenever you feel alone in this world,
remember, my shadow always walks with you.
I will be wherever you are
I won't leave you alone, even for a moment.
You may not be aware, but god is all around you.

There. This was what I needed. Another round of waterworks. I cried more in the past three weeks than I ever did in my whole life combined. Yes, sounds pathetic, I know, and I am the last person to shed tears- I have not done that very much at all in life- just not that kind of person. But, I felt a lot better after hearing this. It's almost everything that I was asking the universe for- and a confirmation that my prayers will be answered, as they always have been in the past- I just haven't bothered to ask for too many things, that's all.

My first marriage is with Krishna. Always and forever.

Good person

I'm a good person when nobody's looking, and nothing in the world can change that. That's what makes me happy and proud of myself.

Optimism

I talked to my friend yesterday when she was over. Her negativity overwhelms me. I understand why we have fear- we want to protect ourselves. It's an inbuilt instinct- people who are close to us fear for our safety. Whenever I want to fly, those close to me are afraid, because they've seen me hurt before. I'm not a pretty sight when I'm hurting- my friends and family say that I look like a walking corpse. I internalize hurt- which is the worst thing anyone can do to themselves.

However, I've come this far because I continued to believe that I can achieve the impossible. I've taken many, many risks in my life. I've always succeeded because I believed that things can only go only my way- no other option. When you ask for something with a true heart, with such a strong belief, it is handed to you. Some people say that faith comes from miracles. Others know that miracles come from faith.

I feel positive emotions wash over me today. It feels like I'm on a drug- I want to ride this high over and over again. I never want this to subside. I made a list today of all the things that I'm grateful for. I cried out of happiness- a first for me. I am a complete person- I don't need anything or anyone to fulfill me. I feel alive today- for the first time in a while. There is so much in this world that I have yet to experience- so many places to see. So many people to meet, so much work to do! So much to conquer. So many hearts to win.

As I dance joyfully in my kitchen, my little brother kisses my cheek, hugs me, and says "There, there, my little whirling dervish, you're adorable. I love you". Tears threaten to fall down my eyes as i look up to him and say, "I hope you always love me and find me adorable, my little darling". I know for sure then, that no matter what, that we will be there for each other, always. I value my family so much now. I will never lie to them again. It hurts too much to be lied to- as I found out recently. I will always be honest with them. May god bless everyone. No one deserves to suffer.