Flaws of the Zodiac- Amusingly Accurate

I cracked up when I came across this, so I had to share. Maybe someone will smile when he or she reads this.

My Moon Sign Pisces-

Pisces has often been called the dustbin of the zodiac. Mental hospital is a closer description. On your trek around the karmic wheel, you've not only picked up everyone else's bad habit, you've managed to forgo most of the good ones.

You are as obtuse as Taurus, anal as Virgo, and as wishy-washy as Libra. You blather as much as Gemini and Sagittarius put together, but your conversation is limited to instant replays of all the boring details of your crisis-laden life. When you want something you can knock down more little old ladies than an Aries fighting to be first at a Macy's white sale. You are as freaked-out as Aquarius, obsessed as Scorpio, and whiny as a Cancer with a sore throat. Your penchant for theatrics makes the most flamboyant Leo look reticent, and your opinion of yourself is higher than that of a Capricorn who's just foreclosed on a Swiss bank.

You also have the special-to-you-alone gift for viewing life from a perpetually unworkable slant. You are so afraid of conflict that you would rather eat worms than confront a problem. But that's fine with you because it gives you the excuse to lie on the coach all day, flipping the remote and sighing.

The cliché of the lights are on but no one's home was no doubt first used to describe a Fish. You will fade out in the middle of commuter traffic going seventy, wake up in the next town, and have absolutely no idea how you got there.

Every Pisces is addicted to something. The obvious dangers are booze and drugs. However, serial romances, food, TV, and excessive sleep are also ways you avoid dealing with reality. You are probably a lifetime member of every organization with anonymous in the title.

Pisces have every psychological and psychosomatic illness known to man and participate in medical research trials more often than any other sign. You love the attention and use the twenty-five dollars to buy wine. You are so afraid of confrontation that trying to carry on a conversation with you is like talking to a bobble-head doll You can't make a decision, no matter how inconsequential, and have the social presence of a doormat. But, you do hate to see suffering. That's why you wear dark glasses.

Your favorite TV shows are the Jerry Lewis Telethon and the PTL Club. You love to cry along with fellow Fish Jerry, and to self-righteously bash those lacquer-haired televangelists.

As the last sign of the zodiac, you've walked in every other sign's shoes at least once. And slept in all their beds. You charm the pants off anyone -- literally. However, you are so reality-challenged that you don't want a life, you want a movie.

Pisces make good actors, faith healers, vice cops, savants, and drag queens. You are also psychic; however, you are so self-absorbed that the only future you care about is your own.

Yo don't do realism. Instead you prefer to view life from either your internal set of rose-colored glasses, or from a state of altered consciousness. Either way, you drift through the years with your head in the sand, preferring your fantasies and dragging behind you an endless line of losers you call family and friends. But that's OK with you, since it gives you an excuse to drink and bitch.

You are the chameleon of the Universe, and the shades of every other sign flutter through your soul. Because you are so acquiescent and hate conflict, you are invariably underestimated. Once you learn to quit underestimating yourself, that quality is precisely what will give you the edge over every other sign.

My Sun Sign Leo-

Everywhere you go you command attention. That's because you are usually carrying a gun. You vie with Aries for the Most Obnoxious Human award and pick arguments in sports bars just to show everyone who's boss.

You are the first to aid friends and family in times of need and just as quick to announce to the world how good hearted you were to offer assistance. You assume control of every situation where more than one person is gathered. In an elevator you position yourself next to the door and push the floor buttons. At the grocery store you instruct the bag boy how to pack the sack.

Your idea of a good career is any profession in which your title is longer than your business card. Leo is the sign of the grade-school teacher, TV wrestler, karaoke champ, and floating crap game organizer. Lions also make good hair stylists, actors and conga line leaders.

You don't do solitude. Instead, you head for the nearest party, arriving fashionably late so you can sweep into the room offering your fingertips and air kisses to your loyal fans as you head to the center of the action. Your nature is so theatrical that you can't bear the thought of being just one of the crowd and you will stand on your head or someone else's back, to grab the spotlight.

Your home is your castle, where you rule by intimidation. You spend your evening scolding your family, yelling at the dog, and hanging up on your mother. Your temper is like a solar flare. It flashes out, singeing the ears of the hapless person who dared to disagree, then dissipates just as quickly. Because you have selective memory, you think you are calm, cool and collected and will beat the hell out of anyone who disagrees.

In a romance you have all the finesse of a sailor returning home from a twelve-month cruise. You'll go home with anyone who has great hair. The next day, you bore your friends with tales of sexual conquest that everyone knows are lies. What you don't know is that, secretly, everyone hopes you get eaten by a crocodile.

Your checking account serves as a clearing house between your paycheck and creditors, and you've filed for bankruptcy so often you're banned from using credit cards until 2052. Your favorite game is Follow the Leader, with you at the head of the group. But, instead of Captain Courageous, you're more like the captain of the Titanic. You never know where you are going and invariably lead everyone to disaster.

In real life, John Wayne was a Gemini. However, every role he ever played was pure Leo. Always strong, sometimes arrogant, his characters always knew just what they wanted and just how to get it. So do you.

You are lively, sincere, and elegant. Your independent nature is most contented when you are fighting for a cause, or an underdog. However, since your vices can be as large as your virtues, you need to learn to redirect some of your powerful energy. Give your attention to others versus calling it to yourself. Focus on taking time to understand more and criticize less, and not a sign in the zodiac will be able to resist you. In the meantime, anyone who wants to wrestle with the Lion will soon find out that you are still King of the Jungle.

My rising sign Scorpio-

Why is your life so difficult? Because you are still repaying the bad karma you earned the last go-around, when you were Torquemada's rack-master during the Inquisition.

Your exaggerated nature provides extremes of every kind. Compulsions and obsessions explode within your psyche. A startlingly large number of you either become geniuses, or sink into the lowest depths of depravity. You latter types make ideal mates for Pisces.

Your favorite TV shows are reruns of Dark Shadows and you wear a Barnabas Collins ring on your forefinger. You love to point randomly at unsuspecting strangers and mumble gibberish. Your moods range from irritable to pissed off, and you frequently sulk, brood, intimidate, spy and cheat. That's on one of your good days. Unlike Taurus, who is blind to his faults, you are acutely aware of your flaws, but excessively proud of them. For instance, you like to wear a minipicture of your mug shot on a gold chain.

Being a fixed sign means that your emotions and opinions rarely change. You are kindly described as "still water runs deep". You more closely resemble a boiling cesspool of hydrochloric acid. Your metaphorical stinger is always poised for attack and you are supposedly known for vicious verbal barbs. In reality, most of you are merely cantankerous bores who constantly posture and gouge lines in the dirt daring others to step across.

You are so private even your relatives don't know your unlisted phone number. You have a NO SOLICITORS sign on the barbed-wire fence around your property, and anyone attempting to reach your front door will need a map and a flashlight to make it through the overgrowth. You are so paranoid that you think Alcatraz would be a safe place to live.

Scorpios have bumper stickers that say things like, "My child sells drugs to your honor student." You are chronically terse, and have Bad Ass, Son of Bad Ass, or Mother of Bad Ass tattooed on your neck.

You keep a police scanner on the kitchen table to track the movements of your friends -- both of them. Instead of family pictures, your refrigerator is covered with magnetic business cards of lawyers, therapists, and bail bondsmen. Inside is a mishmash of variety ranging from mashed potatoes to granola bars. Your eating habits swing as wildly as your emotions, from Spartan bark eater to comfort-food junkie.

Scorpio is the sign of the prosecuting attorney, psychopath, Mafia negotiator, and more-parts-than-you-were-prepared-to-lose surgeon. Scorpios also make good stalkers, astrologers, and psychics; however very few of you are in the latter profession because you refuse to acknowledge your clairvoyance.

You follow Scorpio Adam Ant's views on sex. He said, "I like sex. My songs are about sex ... sex is my life. I just find it the most exhilarating experience, and I think it should he done on stage." You'd join his band if you could.

You are the most intense of all signs. Telling you to learn to go with the flow, or to lighten up, is ridiculous. Control is your forté. Learn to use it on yourself before running over your children, friends, and lovers with your steel-belted emotions and you'll quickly discover that most people like to be around you because of the sheer force of your personality.

Take it all with a grain of salt...but don't be surprised if you see any accurate descriptions.

Karma or soulmates?

I recently read somewhere that soulmates are friends who stay together for life- two complete souls that walk side by side; while karmic connections are strong ties that remain for limited time frames in someone's lifetimes until they learn their relationship lessons. Twin connections are masculine and feminine connections that manifest seperately for lifetimes until they rejoin at key periods. They are two sides of a whole, and "twin flame" connections are rather rare, because most souls in this world are still at the process of reaching that point. Twin souls do not meet in every lifetime. When twin souls are done with their human experiences, they depart this world into eternal consciousness.

I recognize my own relationships through this. It makes perfect sense, this concept of purpose in a relationship. My first relationship was a form of Karmic debt that my ex and I owed to each other- we needed to know what we did not want in a relationship and we found out through each other. I learned many things from him about his South East Asian culture, value systems and society. I also was inspired by him- he came to the United States at 14 as a refugee and had to make a living for the first two- three years selling newspapers with his mother. He did not speak any English, and yet, today, (almost 18 years later), he is in Medical School. His attitude of reaching for the highest goals rubbed off on me, and helped me do well in college. I faced a lot of flak from my family during that time, but his strength kept me going. I became his motivation to go to medical school. He enjoyed my youth and innocence; he benefited from our communication because he always felt that he could talk to me about anything without being judged. I also nudged him to bridge the communication gap with his mother. I was with him during his most important days and I introduced him to Indian culture- a knowledge with which he won over his next girlfriend Pooja's heart. We were not meant to be together forever, and despite the initial discomfort and sadness, it felt right when we broke up.


Karmic partners seek out each other's energy. Their relationships often begin with great passion yet end without any attraction. These relationships may also leave one partner feeling particularly drained. When karmic partners part, this is a sign that business has been settled and debts are paid or the timing is not right to accomplish these goals and it's all right to move on.

I've have soulmates here- Minoti is a soulmate. Her and I are two schoolchildren who will always walk through life together. She cares for me more than I care for her sometimes; she always looks for solutions for me, and although she can be hotheaded and impulsive, I love her for her honesty. She looks out for me and tries to protect me from being hurt. I always give Minoti a non judgmental ear. I advise her and cheer her on to the best of my ability. I help her with her wardrobe and I am her go to person for make up- I'll be doing that for her on her wedding day. The woman my uncle in India married is also a soulmate- in fact, they say, I chose her for my uncle (I was not yet 4 at that time). In India, arranged marriages were common that time. I went with my family to the woman's home. As everyone else was talking, the attention whore that I was (and still am), I walked over to her and snuggled into her lap, calling her "my nice auntie". She fed me some cashews and almonds from her hands. I fell asleep in her arms. My uncle married her within the next 6 months. We remain best friends, forever. My best friend Shruti, the one whose wedding is this November, is also a soulmate. We used to only meet for 15-20 days in a year, when I used to visit my mother's parents, but we became friends at 3 and we have been best friends since. I don't need to see her frequently to resume a deep, connected conversation with her. In fact, when I was leaving India at the age of 11, I had made a wish that after we get married, her and I would stay in the same city. That wish may come true, because her fiancee is studying in New York at present, and he will be looking for job, possibly in Los Angeles, this upcoming year. There is another person who is my soul mate as well, and I am glad that I recognized our connection.

When soul twins reunite, both of them experience an acceleration of their spiritual growth and awakening. They get on the fast track of learning about esoteric wisdom and experiencing other states of consciousness. They usually haven't been together all that often during their series of lives on the planet, and so their backgrounds may be different. Guidance is strong with these relationships, and usually one or both have good psychic abilities. Their connection is telepathic, and, here's the biggest giveaway- hugging or holding each other feels like coming home for nourishment.

Twin connections are marked by difficulties and obstacles- whether it be distance, a previous romantic attachment, or simply fear from such a strong energy (this bond is so intense that it can scare the strongest of us). The biggest reason twins have to separate after coming together is their individual emotional baggage. Because in the presence of your twin, there can be nothing between you, nothing blocking your closeness. This means that everything comes up for healing that you haven't previously healed. Everything! Of course, they do come back together once both the halves are ready. Every previous relationship feels like "practice" for this grand "twin soul" relationship. I am lucky enough to have experienced all of the above mentioned relationship connections. The best relationship is one in which individuals are both soul mates AND twin souls- complete by themselves and fulfilled with each other.

I'm frustrated

to my core. My hands are tied and I've never regretted being broke before, but today marks the first day of it.

My energy is pure and positive, but I feel it weakening, and as I sense repeated roadblocks, I feel faint and tired to the point of exhaustion. I've dealt with so much last year and my sickness has left me spent. What do I do? I keep banging on all the doors, but they remain closed. I wish I had enough positivity in me to fight it all back, but I am really weak at this point. My weight has dropped to lower than 100 pounds as a result of being sick. Work is piling up here. My brother is suffering from Chicken Pox which he contracted from me. I am facing blocks to my happiness. It all seems to line up against me and I am afraid that I will break into pieces, like a twig. What about my happiness? Did the fates forget to write in my destiny even the basics? 

I need Krishna's help- today, more than ever. No, I'm not giving up on anything. My mind just needs rest.

"Where do you want to settle?"

Mr Shukla asked me as I sat down next to him on our large dining table. I instantly recognized the man- his piercing hazel gaze, tobacco stained smile and shrewdness does not escape me. I last saw him when I was 6, but who can forget such a face? Mr Shukla is around my grandfather's age. He is a very spiritual man- he's been our family friend for years. His career expertise lies in Real Estate Brokerage- a man of contradictions! I was surprised to see him again because only a few days ago, I was thinking about this scary looking man whom I met when I was still a baby.

Of course he wanted to know where I would prefer to live. Close relatives and acquaintances these days have only one topic to bug my parents and I about- my nuptials. He stated that he is trying to find out my preferences so that he could refer me to an eligible bachelor's family. My family just smiled; I stammered, "Anywhere life takes me is good- for right now, it is Los Angeles!" He laughed, "Not India? Ever?" I smiled, "Never say never".

Mr Shukla then quit talking about marriage, looked into my eyes with a knowing look, smiled, and said, "Things will go the way you want them to. Just meditate and let that be your guide." I sucked in a sharp breath- he knew! I thought about it later as well, and realized that he is aware of what I am going through. In fact, he had brought for us as a present a book by Yogananda (The monk who established the Lake Shrine in Pacific Palisades) on meditation. While leaving, his daughter whispered in my ear about a meditation center in Montebello that was amazing for fulfillment energy- even she knew? I closed my eyes when he left, and a voice in my head spoke to me- Soulmates- this struggle is your Karma. At the risk of sounding retarded, I now know that souls recognize each other. No, this won't happen on my time line. I do not even know how events would unfold- I have given up trying to piece the puzzle together. It will happen when I've learned my lessons and when souls are ready. I will not bother anyone anymore- it does not do any good. Now that I know the whys, I won't ask about the hows.

This leaves one less person to bother me about my marriage. Mr. Shukla knows- and thank you for pointing it out to me, my visitor from back in time.

One of the biggest lessons

that my experiences in life taught me is to love unconditionally, without fearing hurt. To give love with both hands- not as an exchange with one hand to give and one to take from. I have been hurt before when I have loved people. Sometimes, people get so badly hurt that they carry it with them and decide to hurt others before others hurt them. They wear glasses that blind them from seeing love. I've experienced this many times from others; my first reaction is a sad smile. Yes, it is better to be safe than sorry, but for how long can one guard his or her heart? Love is a risk- but so is life.

Life has also taught me to give people space, because even if I can clearly see the issue at hand, at the end of the day, who am I to know what's best for someone else? If they need space, I have enough respect for them to move aside. Often, especially in my generation, affection is mistaken for neediness. It hurts me when people misread it, because I reserve my affectionate side for a chosen few. Still, I understand; I always do.

I also learned that being passionate does equal mean being dramatic. I am an intense person, but I have no affinity for drama outside of the stage. I demonstrate passion if I care for someone, but I prefer levelheaded discussions. I do tend to find myself in dramatic scenarios, but I try to remain calm. I try but fail sometimes.

Mes amis, c'est la vie. La vie compliquee, la vie difficile, et quelquefois, la triste vie. Mais toujours, La Belle Vie.

Don't forget

to love those people who god gifted to you, because one day, he will need them back.

Everyone may not be good, but there is good in everyone- Never judge anyone shortly because every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. 

Stagnant

I abhor the aforementioned word. Sadly, I've allowed myself to stagnate professionally, when it comes to acting, in the last year. I was taking the necessary steps earlier, and I did make some errors, but I just lost momentum and started fearing. Fearing rejection- rejection by everyone. It's happened before. Check. But rejection of self, by self? No- I am better than my circumstances.

It's my own fault for treating my art this way and I do feel terribly guilty for letting precious time slip by me. Yes, I am able to earn my living, but I am not getting anywhere if I treat life's small turns as roadblocks. No excuses- there should be no reason to grow depressed and stop progressing in life. I take all responsibility for not working hard enough. I planned my agenda for the next few months- it's better to do it in steps. Step one- a refresher course (4 months long) in stage acting which starts next month. Ballet morning classes twice a week to correct my posture. A camera acting workshop which begins in April that lasts for three months (which I would have started in January had I not been sick). I know my talent and weaknesses, but that is not the solution. I cannot look myself in the mirror if I continue this way. I was taking a leisurely walk when I imagined my future. I've always wanted to design but never had the opportunity to attend design school. When I have paid projects, if the pay is any good, I'd like to attend design school during the time when I am not acting. Eventually, I'd do it as a part time career when I have time off from gigs/ projects. I always want to do better and learn new things.

Also, I have always wanted to spend some time doing things for the community- I want to serve the homeless once a week in downtown. I can start this week- I have the time and the ability to.

Wanderlust

It hits me again...I have no money this time, like I did a few years ago. Still, I'll make it work, and I would like to visit the Northwest again as soon as I have the chance to. The gypsy blood in me is never content staying at one place for too long. In fact, I was reading my journal from a few years ago, when I was 18, and I had written that the thing that I want to avoid in my life the most is "stability". That is not to say that I do not want things that most people want- sure, home, relationships, family etc are great, but I cannot imagine myself bound by a routine for too long. I fall in love with wanderers, because I am one myself. I always dreamed of loving someone who would love to hop along.
The other day, I wondered aloud, "Why did I come here?". "Here" could mean anything- this world, America, California, West Los Angeles, or the falafel joint where I was dining. I came here for a purpose, surely. I feel a disconnect from things sometimes- everything feel fragmented. I don't belong anywhere, as a result of living in so many different places. Conversely, I can call any place home. I have a better understanding of people; I have compassion in my heart and I always do my best to not judge. I know pain and isolation because I have dealt with it and overcome it. I wander and lust for wonderful, beautiful things that make life worth living for.

Behind every successful man....

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the President's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner. Following this conversation President Obama asked, "Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you?" She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her. President Obama then said, "So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant", to which Michelle responded, "no, if I had married him, he would now be the President."

Let's do it

 "This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment.
First to let go of life.
Finally, to take a step without feet." 

-Rumi

When the little bluebird
Who has never said a word
Starts to sing Spring
When the little bluebell
At the bottom of the dell
Starts to ring Ding dong Ding dong
When the little blue clerk
In the middle of his work
Starts a tune to the moon up above
It is nature that is all
Simply telling us to fall in love

And that's why birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Cold Cape Cod clams, 'gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

I've heard that lizards and frogs do it
Layin' on a rock
They say that roosters do it
With a doodle and cock

Some Argentines, without means do it
I hear even Boston beans do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

When the little bluebird
Who has never said a word
starts to sing Spring spring spring
When the little bluebell
At the bottom of the dell
Starts to ring Ding ding ding
When the little blue clerk
In the middle of his work
Starts a tune

The most refined lady bugs do it
When a gentleman calls
Moths in your rugs they do it
What's the use of moth balls

The chimpanzees in the zoos do it,
Some courageous kangaroos do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

I'm sure sometimes on the sly you do it
Maybe even you and I might do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Fear, begone!

Fear grips my heart today- I wish it to be gone
Until and unless I don't stop fearing, I won't achieve anything substantial. Yes, the small victories count too, but how can anyone take a leap of faith for anything, when one's own fear blocks them?
Fear of failing at auditions.
Fear of preparing for auditions.
Fear of not doing well at work.
Fear of my family getting sick.
Fear of losing love.


I wish for my heart to begin looking at things positively, for when we fear, we influence the outcome of our circumstances negatively. When we love, we change things for better. Always. There is no exception to this law.

Analogy

If I were in a boat, and suddenly my boat was struck by a large rock and water starting filling it up, what would I do? Would I do everything possible to ask for help and save my boat, or even float on anything to swim across to the shore, or would I just give up hope and let my boat sink, not resisting at all?

Sometimes, life feels like the above mentioned scenario. I feel like I have failed so many times at so many things that failure is the only thing that I will see wherever I turn to; my efforts would always be met with rejection; people would only misunderstand me or my feelings. So then, why not just go off to a monastery or a secluded place and live by myself, isolating the rest of the world? Or why not just end it all, and start with another lifetime, afresh? But then, what is the guarantee that I am done with my suffering if I end it all here? Maybe this is my Karma- life lessons that I need to learn here on earth. I choose to salvage whatever I have- a healthy body, a relatively attractive face, a loving heart, a compassionate mind, an intelligent brain. Perhaps they will take me where I want to go in my life.

My life has always been so disjointed that the disconnect between it all consumes me sometimes. I am nonjudgmental and independent- but is that always such a gift to not have a herd to belong to (other than my family)? Being surrounded by so many and yet be so lonely? I am so comfortable with myself that I can spend days without much social interaction; even when I do talk to people, I know that I only warm up and come close to a select few. But, this is the world I have to live in- people I have to live with. We ultimately only have ourselves to measure up to. We can choose to do our best and carry on with that belief in ourselves. Whatever floats our boats.

"One Day"

I just finished watching the above mentioned flick. It made for a rather boring watch, but I blog about it here because I found parts of it endearing and the overall premise to be rather touching.

It is beautiful to watch how Anne Hathaway's "Emma" smiles radiantly every time she is with the man she loves. In return, she makes him a better person from a drug addicted, alcoholic womanizer that he is at the beginning of the movie. Of course, he does not deserve her, but she remains his friend because he is the only one who makes her smile that special smile. And of course, by the time he realizes the extent of his love for her, he only has two years with her till life snatches her from him.

Every time I saw Emma's eyes light up for him, it touched me to the point of tears. I recognize that smile- Anne Hathaway is a damn good actress- I smile that smile myself on every instance of seeing that person I love. I light up; the sheer joy of it all makes it worth the trials and the tribulations.

As we grow up,

we learn that people that weren't ever supposed to let us down, probably will. You will have your heart broken and you will break others' hearts. You will blame a new love for things an old love did. You'll fight with your best friend, you'll lament because time is flying by and you will eventually lose a loved one. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely and love like you've never been hurt- because every second you spend angry or upset it a second of happiness you can never get back.

Today,

I wish to be stronger than my excuses. I know someone who will never give up on me- and I have to keep going for that being. My faith in that someone, then, should provide me the fuel that I need. Fall down, get up, brush the dust off and walk again. That is life.

"Believe, for with god, everything is possible."
-Matthew 19:26

At Last

RIP Etta James. Amazing talent- I particularly loved "At Last".

Why should we be afraid to fall in love?

Why should we afraid to fall in love?
We fell in love- we didn't commit a crime,
Why should we sigh in secret?

I'll tell my tale today,
Even if it costs me my life
Real death is one witnessed by the world
Why should we suffocate away in secrecy?

The desire for him stays in my heart
That flame won't be burned away
To live in love, to die in love-
Is the only thing I know how to do

My love for you cannot be hidden,
Look, its light is visible in every corner
When there's no hiding it from god himself,
Why should I bother concealing it from the world?

Why should I be afraid to fall in love?

We're all a little weird

And life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutual weirdness called love.
-Dr Suess

The darkest days of my sadness

For hours on end, I slept. Falling asleep would be hardest part most of the time, but once asleep, you don't feel pain or hunger or loneliness or bitterness. In sleep I would drown in false euphoria, and when I would awaken, for a minute, I just didn't care about anything, until it all would just come rushing back- why I was suffering in the first place.

So very true

I have strong hunches

I intuit things, and I don't know how to explain it to anyone in a rational way. It is not a "rational" quality- sometimes, I even wish I never had it because some of the things my "gut" my pointed out to me have been downright cruel and painful to know.


For example, in the instance when I was invited to a housewarming ceremony of an about to be married couple (by the parents, who were going to gift this apartment to their son and his bride), I felt odd entering the apartment. I asked the parents what the name of the bride was. They said, "Pragya". I instantly knew that something very unpleasant will happen between the couple, but couldn't exactly say it. I went home, and an hour later, the parents called, crying, that the would be bride ran away with her lover. Shit, I think to myself. Really? In another instance, I wonder how a relative's husband is doing. Randomly, because I haven't ever met her husband, even though she often designed my clothes when I was living in India. A few months later, the husband passed away of cancer. People's past, people's life events, my own life events- seem to show up in my "hunch" world. Not everything, but bits and pieces of the puzzle. I do thank god sometimes, because I see important information for myself often.

I could have easily hurt people if I wanted with my knowledge of things I could read about them, but my most special gift is not intuition- it is compassion. I haven't lost that gift, as evidenced by my tears today as I read an article about the 230 million who go hungry in India every day. Tears are not enough, I know, but at least I feel for them. It is a start. Maybe I cannot do anything directly, but I could send aid to organizations that help there. As for direct intervention, I could also volunteer at local soup kitchens in Los Angeles for the homeless. I think I'm going to start doing that in the next two weeks.

I feel angry

It is important to recognize one's anger, or else it can hollow one's self. I admit it today to myself- I am angry. At what/ who? There are too many of those. I'm just going to say, I'm angry at fate. Life. Whatever it is that always delivers me the short end of the stick.

I've made mistakes, no denying that. But I've always gone out of my way to do things for people, to help in any way I can, to listen, to advise, to give. Then WHY do those very people break my trust, leave me when I need them most, bite the very hand that once fed them, get upset at me for the one mistake I made, expect from me things I cannot possibly give them? Don't I deserve better? I'm angry because my trust in humanity decreases, and thus decreases my will to do anything for it.

I deserve much better. I will get what I deserve.

This is how my uncle must have felt

during his final days- actually, much worse than what I am feeling. Going in for treatment, not knowing what the effects of it may be; not even knowing whether you'd make it past it alive. Struggling with a high (105 degree) fever for five weeks before succumbing to the killer disease.

It rankles me that we could not do anything for him, and this fever that I've had for about 6 and a half days now seems to have killed my strength and positivity. I feel so helpless, counting on the next day for the fever to at least decrease, if not subside completely. My brain and the back of my eyes burn, my esophagus hurts, I missed so many work days that I barely have any money left (just enough to pay rent next month and a few hundred more). To add to the matters, my roommate sent me the expense sheet from months ago to me today. Hopefully, when I drop my acting class tomorrow, I'll have enough funds. For the first time in years, I wonder if Krishna has turned his face away from me. I feel physically tortured by this disease; I feel mentally tortured because of life situations.

Added to this, the person I love is facing his own issues. I cannot do much to help him because I do not want to manipulate or control anyone's decisions- he needs gainful employment, but I feel that he wants to give freelancing a shot for longer. I am not needy, but there are days when I wish I woke up next to him. The desire for him is strong because I've had a taste of how sweet our relationship is; how unique it is; how lovely it is. It is like a fine wine that ages with time. I do not have to see him everyday, but it makes me so happy to lie on his chest at night. I know that it exhilarates him too- I can read his heartbeat and his eyes. But if he does not make progress professionally, it is impossible for him to become self sufficient and find his own living accommodations. I've seen him sad and depressed because of how he's stuck- and from how I see it, the best solution for this dilemma for him is to find a job, if only temporarily (for a few months). But then again, that may mean that he might get stuck in that whole job rut again. That would be a professional curse. How does one do this, are you listening, my god?

When my fever does reduce for a few hours, I try to think happier thoughts. Once I'm recovered, I want to-

-Take a proper camera and stage acting class or workshop. My art deserves it. My passion deserves it.
-Of course, ballet
-I have that camera and three lenses! Maybe someone can teach me some photography tricks?
-Money through acting- it's time to get serious about it
-Go on a picnic with goodies and sandwiches. Lay down a mat and enjoy the sun on my skin. I wish there were lakes and waterfalls around that I could bathe in.

I died laughing

When you get the crabs on your ****, you just shoo them away- "Shoo, go away" LMAO!

My fault

Why do I keep falling into the same cycle time and time again?

My fever was returning this evening; I got caught up in a sad moment and sent a text to someone, telling him that I missed him and I wished there was a way for us to be together. What I meant was, I wish things were smoother in general- in no way did I mean for him to come by and see me today itself. I am not a demanding lover- in fact, in all my previous relationships, the issue was that I was too detached. I NEEDED to spend time alone. It is my fuel, and there are days when solitude is the best gift that I can give to myself.

He responded to my text, stating that maybe he is not the right person for me- he cannot see anyone everyday and that he does not expect that to change. I bit my lip in pain- his mood swings hurt like a whiplash and leave me in tears, or worse, numb. I wasn't asking for that, I responded. Let us say for argument's sake that I do ask him to see me daily- then, he cannot see me everyday, but he can live with a woman who does not make him happy in a relationship? I am not judging or questioning his decision, but I ask god these things sometimes.

As an actress, I will be working on shoots that take place outside of the city; sometimes, even outside the country. I will need the space and the understanding. I demonstrate repeatedly through my actions that I love him dearly and understand his limitations, but there are days when he takes his anger out on me verbally or through texts. I feel afraid to open up and my heart starts to beat faster if I want to say something to him out of sheer anxiety. I love him and it makes me sad that there is so much miscommunication- I'm sure I have a role to play too. I want to see him happy and I want to be there to see it. I wish to be a better lover.

Lost love

My friend Taso's birthday is coming up soon. After my ex decided to hack into my email account in 2010 out of sheer jealousy and send Taso an email to get away from me forever, Taso cut off contact with me for a while. I painfully accepted- what choice did I have in the matter?

I begged on Krishna's altar for months after, to no avail. I stopped visiting the temple to meditate for a while. My faith in God decreased a great degree until that fateful day when I randomly went to the temple when I was in the area and saw Taso sitting in the same meditation center, exactly five months after the last incident. Goosebumps crawled up my body as I realized that god actually actively heard my prayers. S/He is there- s/he holds me, protects me, loves me, gives me what I need and sometimes want. I do not need anyone else in my life other than my god- s/he is enough. I also realized why Taso and I were not meant to be. My gut feeling never agreed to it.

I spoke to Taso for a while that day. He held my hand in his and sat on the floor as I sat on a pedestal at the temple- he told me that I looked lovely, and that he had been thinking of me for a few weeks now. In fact, he had often seen me on the Temple's Webcam and wondered if it was me. We both apologized to each other- me for letting the whole thing happen; him for acting out as if it was my fault. We also agreed that the internet is a dangerous place and that it was best if we wrote letters to each other. I sent Taso a birthday card last year, wishing him the best to his family and him. He wrote a thank you letter back to me, which I tucked away at my altar as a thank you to divinity. I saw Taso again at the temple on my birthday (someone was getting married at the temple on my birthday and Taso was photographing it. How random, and how ironic). However, I have since not written back to him. I will soon, because

(a) Taso was the inspiration for me to look for a higher happiness and get out of an unhappy relationship
(b) His chapter in my life was intended to teach me faith, compassion and patience
(c) He deserves a birthday wish. I wish his twins, his ex and him much joy and togetherness.
(d) It makes me happy just to physically write to someone. That is how I used to stay in touch with my grandparents and friends when I was in India. Maybe he'll send me a note or a postcard back- it puts a smile on my face to receive one.

I am suffering from Acute Sinusitis

The doctor diagnosed today. It hurts so much, but thankfully, it is easily curable and I am on antibiotics. Hopefully, within a few days, this will be gone, pinkness and glow will return to my face and I will be up and running, looking for gigs and preparing monologues again.

Unwell again

We don't realize how important good health is until we are sick. I got sick again on Saturday. When my muscles were sore on Friday, I dismissed it and went out to late night dessert with a group of friends. Unfortunately, despite my suggestion, the ladies preferred to sit outside and not inside the restaurant. I was shivering before long; moreover, Minoti's refusal to acknowledge my presence or to even say hello was causing me a lot of discomfort. I can do a 100 things right, but when I slip once, my friend will count it against me? Eventually, we left at 11:30. The next morning, I woke up with chills and feverish. Welcome back, Migraine, my best friend- the whole world could turn its back on me, but not you. You always return. My whole body was achy and I could barely walk. This continues till today. I stared in the mirror as I woke up at 2:00 am today and I looked pale and scary.

I cry out in pain and secretly wish I had someone I could be around right now, even if it means just having someone to talk to. It is quite embarrassing to admit it because since past two years, I've dealt with every sickness and problem on my own; therefore, I have become extremely resilient and I heal fast. However, I realize that my recent struggle with depression and the resulting drastic weight loss has compromised my immunity to a certain degree. Maybe this is Karma hitting me back- I am hurting because of the pain that I may have caused, or am causing, others. More likely, this is exhaustion carried over from the last few weeks and I just need to learn to relax. Whatever this may be, I am going to try to get to my doctor tomorrow (80 miles away). I wish to heal and regain my energy.

You may not be her first,

her last or her only. She loved before and she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect- you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But she can make you laugh, causes you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes. Hold on to her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break- her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect from her more than she can give, smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she is not there. 

– Bob Marley

And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say.

 They think everyone else does too. 

-Khaled Hosseini

If in the twilight of memory

we should meet once more we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song.  And if our hands should meet in another dream we shall build another tower in the sky.
-Kahlil Gibran

"Your intensity and passion

will scare away lovers", my astrologer told me two years ago, while reading my birth chart. At 22, it seemed like a death sentence. So, no chance of love relationships then, I ask her. She replies, "No, it's not that, it's just that most young people, especially your generation, are afraid to face life issues and serious things; while you just get to them while cutting away the fluff. The man you're meant to love will be someone very powerful, I can tell you that much."

I was sitting with him yesterday, eating at a Falafel joint near my home, when I began a serious conversation, punctuated by frustrated sighs, endless questions, and some piercing truths. He is afraid of bringing me close, he says. I am baffled- I appreciate his honesty, but I thought he was over that fear by now. When we love someone, do we fear them? But then, at that moment, I asked myself, "are you afraid of him?" I am not afraid of him- I am afraid of myself. My intensity, my tendency to always tell the truth, my tendency to look for answers. He is afraid of me because he doesn't trust anyone. "I do my best with you" is all I can say to him. I do not have a hidden agenda. I will not hurt him because I cannot see him in pain- let alone cause him pain. I don't say much most of the time, but I do show through my actions. I'm not good enough- not trustworthy enough? My eyes don't tell him the truth every time they well up with tears? I'm good enough to make love to, but not enough to bring close to emotionally?

I am moved to the point of tears as I remember the words that my ex fiance and my friend told me in moments of anger. I remember the hurt I felt when the man I now love left me to go back to his ex. I recount swallowing every bit of pain and transforming that energy into love that I returned to all of them and this world.

When the Little Mermaid falls in love with her prince and he chooses another princess (mistakenly believing that she saved his life), the Mermaid has a chance to save herself from dying by stabbing the prince on his wedding night with the princess. The Mermaid instead chooses to stab herself; thereby becoming an angel because her soul is purified by the depth of her love. This particular fairy tale touches my heart- I feel that I learned how to love from The Little Mermaid. Modern day feminists and most men have terms for me- "home wrecker", "insignificant other", "doormat". These names are just that-names. He states that he does love me. I believe him- I believe in him. I believe in me. I believe in love, so I have a reason to live. As much as I want to walk into the deep ocean and never look back, my resentment towards the world that has hurt me and rejected me time and time again is outweighed by my will to live and love.

Too good to not share

Oh, Audrey...

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
-Audrey Hepburn

This brings tears to my eyes- Audrey Hepburn is my soul twin. I always wondered, but after reading this, that much is confirmed.

Obstacles

Some energy in this world really wants me to not act or be happy in my life. Today was a jarring day in several ways. I was driving to my audition and randomly, slabs of flat granite flew out right in front of my car.  I slammed the brakes as much as I could without risking an accident with the oncoming vehicles behind me. I was able to avoid having the stones hit my windshield- shattered glass would have been extremely hazardous- not to mention a bye bye to this beautiful face. However, it did hit the bumper of my car below my licence plate, which resulted in metal breaking right below it. I got over it and made it to Santa Clarita for the shoot, only to find that they had mistakenly emailed  a confirmation to two actresses for the same part. At that point, I was mildly annoyed and decided to go to work 30 minutes late instead of cribbing about the incident the whole day today. I sped down the 5 and the 405, only to see firefighters extinguishing a moderately severe fire. That put things into perspective for me- today is a good day, I thought to myself. I am alive, breathing, and at least 20 people would show up to care for me if I did happen to get into a car accident.

I went for the Ophelia audition today- I flubbed three times because I was so shaken from the earlier incidents. I wondered sadly for a while whether these obstacles signal that I should quit acting. Then, I thought about the first time I ever dreamt of acting- when I was 6- before I even knew what this craft was called. I thought about my life until today- and everything that I wanted badly- everything I yearned for- was difficult. The thought of giving up never occurred to me during those times- it wasn't even an option if my soul wanted something. My soul wants me to pursue my dream, as I demonstrated to myself when I walked out of my Shakespearean audition today spend and satisfied. I was thinking of how I could be better at doing my monologue for upcoming auditions. Obstacles, then, are tests, not a dead end. Whatever this energy is that blocked me in so many ways today can be defeated by my faith and my hard work.

Wednesday wisdom

Our lives are what we make them to be. They say on that fateful day, your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.

I lost my ipod

I always think of myself as a non-materialistic person, so it is rather surprising to me how upset this is making me. It's not so much the Ipod as it is the circumstances. Like all actors, I do not earn much, so it makes every dollar even more precious. I like to save for classes and other small luxuries.

I have a short film shoot tomorrow, and I want to get over the sadness by then. Dear god, please bless me.

All Jazz, no talk

There are those in this world who talk about things, day in and day out, and deliver only 5% of their promises.

I've been told by many that I don't talk much. I admit it, I'm not a big fan of mindless chatter. I'm more interested in hearing what people have to say- I hear them, I hear what they have to say. People complain, "You're not listening to what I'm saying." Of course, I am, but I am more interested in hearing what they're hiding with their words. I'm more interested in finding out what they're not saying. Silences don't make me uncomfortable- quite the opposite, actually- I revel in my silences.

I am a classic case of all jazz, no talk. When I say something, I mean it. I do things in a dynamic way sometimes because what is perhaps dynamic to the world is pretty normal to me.

Some people

are so lucky that even after hurting so many, they get so much love while some are so unlucky that even after loving so much, they always get hurt.

You should be kissed often

Affection

I've always admired Audrey Hepburn. The struggles she went through in her personal life seemed enormous and never ending- a dominating first husband who was almost like a Svengali; with whom she only stayed for the sake of their son Sean. When she finally did divorce him, she walked into another unhappy marriage with an Italian psychiatrist who constantly cheated on her with younger women. Again, she stayed with him for several years for the sake of their daughter, Luca. Thereafter, she never married. Her greatest wish in life was children and a happy family- affection- seemingly mundane ambitions for someone of her stature. She was a lovely person- beautiful, talented, and kind hearted (as demonstrated by her charity work for disadvantaged communities of Africa, South America and Asia)- it's a pity that she passed away at the age of 63 from cancer. Here's a quote from a woman whose life inspires me to remain good, obstacles and bad experiences not withstanding-


“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it"