2012

I discovered an archery range in West LA in the vicinity of my home. I'm picking up archery again- I left it off when I was prescribed a set of eyeglasses at age 10. I expect to be very rusty for the first few days, but the thought of shooting arrows at my target excites me.

In 2012, I will-
1.) Pick up archery again
2.) Ballet again
3.) Take UCLA Camera Acting classes beginning January 2012.
4.) Network more with fellow film students/ makers.
5.) Continue to pray and meditate every day

I am daddy's girl

My father just returned and I got to see him after almost three months. I was worried about him, but he is in a great mood and seems to be doing just fine. If anything, I am yet to get over his brother's passing. I marvel at his strength and passion for living. I did get my fighting spirit from him, after all.

The Clown

A young man goes to see his doctor. He is overcome by a terrible sadness and doesn't think anything will make him feel better.
The doctor says, "Why not do something happy, like going to see Grimaldi the clown?".
The young man answers, with a knowing look, "Ah, but Doctor", he says, "I am Grimaldi."

Exhilaration of the night before

still lingers in my eyes
My arms have yet to let go of your intoxicating body
Even though my eyes are open, that dream still continues
My breath remembers that dream that your lips placed on it


Sometimes, I grow restless for you
When I turn on my bed, I switch to a different dream of us
When thoughts of you hit me, the memories twist me to the core
Even under a sheet of water, my body would smolder

My breath remembers that dream that your lips placed on it

I know, there will be long seasons when we will embrace,
As compared to promises of several lifetimes, this separation is trifling
All I want from life is a long night and a long day that I could spend with you
Even if life were so short, I would not complain as long as I spent loving moments with you
My breath remembers that dream that your lips placed on it

Mahatma Gandhi, after his death

This is a photograph of Gandhi, after he was shot to death on January 30, 1948. I don't put this here to be controversial- not at all. I post this because this photograph made me stop and think about life and how it even betrays the best. But that doesn't mean that we don't give it our best- if anything, Mahatma Gandhi inspires me to fight on without hurting others. Nonviolent struggle, if you will.

Special moments

A special person can put a special smile on your face- when that special person does that for me, I send thousands of lovely thoughts his way to thank him for his love.

The most significant gifts of life are the beautiful moments that you spend with the ones you love- the moment lasts for a second, but the memories last for a lifetime. When I see people yelling at their partners/ lovers or making grievances against them publicly, I cringe because relationships are so valuable and so vulnerable- respect for the relationship and for the significant other is of utmost importance. People take them for granted. I always make it a point to put in the effort. We are not perfect, and as difficult it is to accept someone else's faults, it is even more so acknowledging our own. I know that I make mistakes often, so I make a promise to myself today to learn from those mistakes and not repeat them tomorrow.

Tamil Tuesday

"Unnai thothaal unnai lathai noruka matiyo
Ennai pola pennai parthu mayanga matiyo
Kannal kannai soththi vittaal sirika maatiyo
Ennal ennai soththi vittaal otikka maatiyo "

Wouldn't it overwhelm your soul if you touched me?
Wouldn't you be mesmerized when you see a woman like me?
Wouldn't you smile a wide eyed smile if our eyes locked together?
Wouldn't you just stick to me like a magnet if I came close to you?

Red robe & Wistfulness

 

I was not feeling well today- my cold still bothers me, but I had made a commitment to my photographer friend. I showed up, and I'm glad that I did, because this beautiful photograph makes it worth it.

Give first

"Reach out before the other. Put your love on the line, then life will come to you. Not as a bargain, but as a gift."
-Father Hugo Noonan

The turns that our story takes

I broke the strictures of this world to come to you
I left the world behind for your sake
maddened by your love, I come to your door

This heart loves you fervently,
This heart desires you ardently
It beats for your love

When I behold your radiance, I forget my woes
These tears that flow from my eyes
scream through their silence-
The space between us kills me, and I feel like a pariah
living in this world without you


If you would have mercy on me
and grace me with one glance,
For that favor itself, I would give up my heart,
darling, I would lay down life itself,
like a moth would jump in flames.


Ah, the turns that our story takes...

Longing for my love

Poet Surdas says: My eyes are thirsty for a glimpse of Krishna. I want a glimpse of my lotus-eyed lord . I don't see him, and that makes me sad and restless everyday.
Krishna, who wears a saffron tilak, and a pearl necklace; Krishna who belongs to Vrindavan. After stealing my heart he has left me like a worthless blade of grass.
No one knows the pain I go through on account of separation from Krishna. People make fun of me, not knowing my pain. Krishna, without seeing you, I cannot rest.

Ramayana Reading

I got to sit in on a reading of Ramayana today. Ramayana is a hindu epic of Rama, one of the ten reincarnations of Vishnu. It was being read in Sanksrit, and I can read the Devanagari script pretty darn well. Sanskrit is older than Latin, and all the ancient Hindu texts are written in it. It makes me happy to have the ability to read and understand another language so well.

The hosts had been reading the Ramayana for the past 23 hours. I had the amazing opportunity to be involved in the last four hours of it. At the end, they sang something as they made food offerings to the diety, along the lines of-

"Krishna rejected the invitation made to him by kings in favor of dining with a common man who only had the simplest of food to offer him because his feelings towards Krishna were of true devotion and love."

I know that while people may care about how poor I am and reject my love because I do not have more material possessions to offer them; Krishna will never do the same. He will always accept my love, no matter my physical state, my financial status, my flaws, my mistakes. If I offer myself to him with true love, he will accept me even after the world rejects me. A lot people don't understand the joy that my relationship with Krishna gives me. Minoti often tells me, "Dude, you know, you're not required to meditate everyday and go to the center. Nobody's asking you to. Don't feel guilty, take this time to do things for yourself." But this is also what I need to do for myself. I am joyful in that relationship- how else do I explain it? I don't need anything out of that relationship to be in it- I am happy just loving him.

For a moment, I felt tears well in up my eyes as I silently asked god- I was good in every way that I could be- then why do I have to face such adverse situations? But then, I realized, it is never a guarantee that things will be easier if you if you follow that path- in fact, they say that those chosen by god have their paths scattered with thorns. Then, as we overcome adversity, our souls become wiser and reach a higher understanding.

My relationship with Krishna is my inspiration for my relationships with others. I strive to love without judgment; expectation; conditions; resentment. Humans deserve as much love as Krishna, and love is one currency that only makes you richer as you give it away.

Midnight Mass

I attended Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. It has been so long since I did that. I was debating whether I should go, but finally decided to.

I'm glad I went, because I really liked one of the analogies that they made. They spoke about thoughts, and how Peter Pan and Harry Potter both had to use the power of "thought". Peter Pan could only fly with pixie dust and happy thoughts, and Harry Potter could only use happy thoughts to conjure up a spell to defeat soul sucking dementors. I can defeat my inner devil, doubt, through thoughts- thoughts of happiness, hope, joys that I am already blessed with, and confidence. With time, effort, persistence and faith in fairness and love, I can overcome my obstacles and I'm sure I will be just as blessed as everyone else. I won't have to beg for happiness someday. I won't have to live on pieces thrown down on me by fate- I'll have things to look forward to, I'll have a successful career, I'll have a deeper understanding of life, I'll have a happy family and I'll be able to make a difference in this world.

Goddess

This woman, Katrina Kaif, looks like an absolute goddess in this number. There is no other word that would do justice to her sexiness and sensuality. The number itself is stereotypically bollywood in an old world way, and the man's clothes make him look gay, but who's even looking at him when that bombshell is shaking it right next to him.

I would so love to do this to man- and my perfect man would have to love being seduced in the rain- bollywood style.

Your kisses

left something to be desired-
the rest of you

I think this is meant for me

The holidays are here

I was meditating today and found myself crying, remembering this past year and how difficult it's been; how much I've grown because of these struggles and wondering when I will get to reap the rewards.

I thought about my father and how much he must be missing his brother. While I'll never know why my uncle passed away so young, I do have a better understanding of the "how". It all worked out in a way that was eerily planned, almost- my uncle married my aunt, loved her in the most romantic, intense way possible; loved and spoiled both his daughters to his best ability; worked very hard to become extremely successful in his stockbroking business; vacationed to the most awesome places in the world and built a grand palatial home for himself and the rest of the family; visited America with his family; and the most haunting one was his visit here earlier this year- he all of a sudden planned to come by in July for some work and medical things and saw the new home that my family recently purchased.

More specifically, my uncle had met the rest of the family last year except for me because I did not visit India with them last summer- so, I had the opportunity to meet him one final time, to make tea for him, to talk to him about life and theater and ambition and love. My uncle and I are quite similar- we have the same large, deep set, intense eyes that we inherited from my grandfather. We are both highly ambitious and we live for those we love- the rest of the world can love us/ hate us/ go take a hike. We don't really give a shit. We are both strongly Scorpio in our birth charts. In fact, out of pure emotion, I declared that I would name my son Sanjay. I read later that when a Scorpio dies, there are high chances of another birth happening in the family relatively soon and the next person born is a soul reincarnation of this Scorpio who passed away (Scorpions are regenerative signs- they rise from their difficulties, pain and even ashes). I refer to my uncle in present tense because he is still here- I had a dream the night before where him and his family were getting ready for my wedding. I know he'll be there- I just have to call out to him.

                             I'll see you again- that much I'm sure of.

Punjabi Proverb

Teri kismat da likha tere to koi kho nahi sakda,
Jee usdi mehar hove te tenu o vee mil jaega jo tera ho nai sakda.

 A punjabi proverb, translated-

You cannot lose whatever it is that you are meant to have,

 But with his grace, you can even earn whatever that is not written in your destiny to have.

Simple rules of living-

-If I do not go after what I want from life, I'll never have it.

-If I don't ask for what I want, the answer will always be no.

-If I don't step forward, I'll forever be stuck in the same place.

Test of endurance

Today feels like a test of endurance. My head is as heavy as lead; there isn't a part of my body that is not sore; I am shivering and I am at work. Last night, I could not sleep because of this nasty cold that my body is harboring. As I went downstairs to drink some water at 5:30 am, I felt weak and nauseated. I had to sit down on the stairs on my way back up to my bedroom. My fingers felt frozen and I felt chills run down my body. I can't focus on anything; my mind is cranky; men who I do not want to talk to at all are constantly contacting me and I don't know how to take it politely anymore. I wish some people would just get the hint and disappear. The height of this madness is that I cannot sit at my meditation center (temple) till the end of the service anymore because this man would run out and chase me all the way to my car. I literally sneak out five minutes before the chants end. Another "friend" keeps calling and texting to hang out; but he constantly tries to get close and makes innuendoes that make me very uncomfortable. I've told him to stop but he won't listen. I get irritated and that makes me want to wall up and not be so open to talking to strangers and people in general. I would deal with this well usually but my sickness makes it worse.

Today marks the sixth day of this torture and I can't wait to be healthy again.

Letter 365

"My Dearest Allie, I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah"

Not too many love stories can beat the greatness of "The Notebook". Yes, people decry it as a "chick flick" , a movie that is nothing close to reality, but as I go through life and fall in love, I connect with this film more.

I realized how amazing the protagonist Noah's last letter to his love, Allie is. Nothing else matters in love except for the happiness of the one you love, even if that means letting go of them. Other times, you must fight for your love if it matters that much to you. Love is sometimes supposed to be inconvenient and painful. It means being selfless- it means compromising sometimes for the sake of the other person's happiness. Things worth having are worth fighting for. Sometimes, our choices hurt others, but we have to be true to ourselves and our love. Ultimately, love helps us grow and if it is true, it always comes back to us.

The greatest danger

for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it. But that it is too low and we reach it.

-Michaelangelo

Bollywood Beats

Look at the way she shakes it- I would give anything for a waist and a body like that! Secretly, I want to dance in a Bollywood movie someday, just like this. I would consider my acting career incomplete without it.

                       I bet men can't stop staring. I don't blame them.

Watch it!

watch your thoughts as they become your words.

watch your words as they become your actions

watch your actions as they become your habit

watch your habit it becomes your character

I bonded

with Priyanka this last weekend. It was hilarious- Minoti's sister's birthday. We were all dancing when a South Indian number began playing. I'm not South Indian, and none of my friends are, but it was wonderfully catchy. Although we couldn't understand a word of the lyrics, Priyanka pulled me to the middle of the room and both of us began gyrating to the beats. It was 4 and a half minutes of bumping, grinding and boisteriousness. Shit gets rowdy sometimes, but it's fun so I don't mind.

This was my first time meeting Priyanka. I know that she's seriously dating Minoti's cousin. She's intelligent, beautiful and good at dancing. I'm glad that I got to make a new friend.

I woke up

today feeling sick- extremely tired and with a sore throat. For the past couple of days, things were pretty hectic and my body was giving me signs that it is exhausted. I ignored them and kept abusing. I don't know why I feel so "heroic" when I keep powering on beyond the breaking point.

While I feel guilty sitting here at home, this was probably the best thing that I could do for myself at this point. I don't like to take days off work unless there is a good reason. It hurts to even talk today, so I would not have been able to talk to clients and my focus would have not been on work.

Instead, I'm going to read Hamlet and drink some soup so that I can feel better.

My first shoot next year

is scheduled in Soledad Canyon- it should be fun. The character sounds awesome to play around with, and I can hike the Canyon once I'm done with the shoot, or even go to Six Flags.

I was on a happy hike

When this photo was taken.

I had no makeup on- was a little tired from the night before. But, I was happy- my eyes said that much. I cherish my happy moments because they give me hope that things will be well again.

Who lives for reality?

I read this inspiring paragraph today by Michael Shurtleff from his book, Audition-

"a dream of romance is what no human being can live without; an excess of reality is what is wrong with our current world. Reality kills. We can't live for reality (if we did, most of us could not bear to stay alive for very long) but for that dream of what we hope will happen: love from someone splendid, success, glory, honor, and applause. Romance is the dream of something better happening to us."

So, I don't really mind when people say, "Oh, Shreya, you're such a hopeless romantic."

In fact, I'm a hopeful romantic- I dream of all of the above- love from that someone splendid, glory, honor, and applause.

My perfect relationship

- Forget routines (routines are boring and boring is NOT allowed).
- Don’t suffocate me (Freedom + Adventure = Eternal Happiness)
- Constantly challenge my mind.

In return,
- I'm great at giving people space- they can leave for days and do things on their own- I wouldn't stop or   
  bother them.
- I'd be the most understanding and I'd treat my partner's family as my own.
- I would stay faithful once I'm in a relationship with someone and give it my best.

I appreciate compliments, if they are sincere. I love with all my heart, body and soul. Oh, and kisses are important.

If my lover wants to truly blow my mind, all it takes is the right kiss. My deepest fantasy is to be kissed senseless.

Did I mention that I love to kiss?

I miss my dad

As I sit here crying, I remember how lovely my home feels when he is around. My father is the last of his kind- they don't make men like that anymore, and I really mean it, not because he's my father, but because he's a gem of a person.

He is solid, hearty, strong and a real "man". He is extremely intelligent and very talented. That comes with a heart of 24 K gold and a childlike innocence about him. He thinks lightning fast but his actions are cautious and controlled. The only time I've seen him not graceful is when he dances- he's the worst dancer ever- but he's so adorable to watch. It makes me happy just to see my father smile, and I confess, sometimes I say silly things just to earn one from him. I laugh for no reason when I see him laugh- like he used to back when I was 2 years old. I wouldn't sleep without my dad's stories- he told me one every single day until I was 5. My mom didn't have such a large reservoir of stories, and would often get upset at my dad for spoiling me thus.

My father's way of showing affection is just to touch our hair gently with his hands. He doesn't do that to me anymore, and I really miss that. I see him touching my baby brother's toe sometimes with his own toes, and my baby brother, being the snappy Gemini who is not very keen on touch, bristles. My dad just smiles and does it again- he's a Taurus. For them, the most natural way of showing affection is to soothingly touch. He takes such great care of my mother that he doesn't even let her walk down the stairs at night whenever she needs water. He fetches it for her. There's a sadness in my father's eyes and smile- life has not been very nice to him. Why do all the men in my life go through so many accidents and injuries?

My father and I have our differences, but I am very much like my father. I love him so much, I hope he is well, and I miss him. I promise to be better and to become successful as an actor- It's my promise to my father and his deceased brother. And I sit here wondering, what must my cousins be going through? They'll never see theirs again.

Thoughts rush back

to a time when I was still a teenager. I always rebelled in ways that "mattered"- drugs and cigarettes only go so far and all teenagers go through a phase of trying them, but the ones who break the status quo, date against family approval and choose careers that are "high risk" are the real rebels.

I always lived life the way I wanted to live it. My parents detested the fact that I loved someone who was not Indian (they've eventually come around to the idea of it); moreover, this was someone they did not approve of. As a result, I lost out on going to a better school or taking more acting classes. I had to rush to graduate within two and a half years. I could have had a much better GPA; I could have done more internships that mattered- I could have had my parents' support had I chosen comfort over love. But I chose love because that's what the heart chose. No regrets- this is all just an observation. My best friend in this world, my intuition, pointed out the glaring truth to me- don't stay with someone who manipulates you into giving up on your life's passion. However, even though it did not work out, I learned a lot from my previous relationship. I do miss money and all the options that come along with it sometimes, but

I won't ask for money. Why should I pray to god for money when he's blessed me with a heart that is made of gold?

I am a former ballerina

Yep. That's me. Not a fully trained one, but I did train in dance and yoga for a number of years. After my accidents, I lost a lot of my flexibility. However, I am still pretty darn flexible for someone who is so out of shape. I want to ballet again after I saw my ballet flats lying in my parents' garage. I smiled ruefully as I realized that I've neglected for my art for too long- be it acting, dancing, or painting. Someone or the other close to me in my life always had something negative to say about it. I don't ever regret any relationship that I've had- it's just that I wish I had the good sense to pull myself out of a relationship which prevented me from reaching out to what makes me happy.

I always had the build and the small ankles for dance- it would help me a lot with stage movement and getting rid of awkwardness or stiffness if I pick it up again. Here's to an art form that makes me as graceful as I am today- not very, but thankfully, at least a little.

Ophelia is mine

I own that role- Ophelia will be played by me. I will see to it that I get it- the audition takes place the beginning of next month. I have plenty of time to prepare and be the best Ophelia that I can be.

Problems

Don’t tell God how big your problem is.  Tell your problem how big your God is.

Lunar Eclipse

The lunar eclipse yesterday (December 10, 2011) reminded me of the time in India when the women in my family gathered to pray for a few hours- it is supposed to be a time of change and transformation.

This lunar eclipse is supposed to affect Geminis and Sagittarius- my mother is a Sagittarius, while my brother and the man I am in love with are Geminis. My brother just left for a skiing trip to Mammoth two hours ago. I wish I had the time to hug him today- I haven't hugged him in over two weeks now, and I won't see him this weekend either- maybe next weekend, I will get to spend some time with him. It is my mother's birthday today, so I prayed for her happiness and good health.

As for the man I love, I hope he is well and happy. I hope the changes that do take place in his life are positive. I hope that I make him as joyful as (or even more joyful than) he makes me.  

Rumi

I love Rumi's work so much- he inspires me to look within people's soul to find love and to heal every problem in my life with love. His mysticism, his faith in the power of love and his way of connecting god with love are all invaluable gifts to humanity. Here's to a sufi fakir who brought me one step closer to true love and god.

The Blocked Road

I wish I knew what you wanted.
You block the road and won't give me rest.
You pull my lead-rope one way, then the other.
You act cold, my darling!
Do you hear what I say?

Will this night of talking ever end?
Why am I still embarrassed and timid about you?
You are thousands. You are one.
Quiet, but most articulate.

Your name is Spring.
Your name is wine.
Your name is the nausea
that comes from wine!

You are my doubting
and the lightpoints
in my eyes.

You are every image, and yet
I'm homesick for you.

Can I get there?
Where the deer pounces on the lion,
where the one I'm after's
after me?

This drum and these words keep pounding!
Let them both smash through their coverings
into silence.


-Rumi

To love

‎"To love is the most important thing in life. When you love someone because that person loves you in return, surely that is not love. To love is to have that extraordinary feeling of affection without asking anything in return. You may be very clever, you may pass all your examinations, get a doctorate and achieve a high position, but if you have not this sensitivity, this feeling of simple love, your heart will be empty and you will be miserable for the rest of your life." --- J. Krishnamurti

I can't stay upset

with the people I love. It's a weakness- but the ones I love are always truly special to me; they mean more to me than life itself. I hurt myself if I ever hurt them.

Yes, I'm the same girl who jokes, "I lost my reputation, but I never missed it." Sure, I'm flirtatious by nature and every man is like a notch on my bedpost- I dated a lot of people in the short amount of time that I was single, but when I love someone, I cannot bring myself to make love to someone other than this person. My heart just doesn't agree to it and I won't ever do anything that my heart refuses.

If you're reading this, know that I love you. A couple days ago, I had a hunch to ask you how you were- I didn't mean to bother you, but that moment, when I suddenly felt uncomfortable, I only wished that you were okay, no matter what you were doing or who you were with. I know your heartbeat and if I ever become blind, I'll know you by your voice and your touch. I'll know you through sensing you and through the joy that overcomes me with your sheer presence.

I also know that it's tough. But these are things that people before us have overcome- luckily, we're both blessed with good health and sound minds. I always seek to be bigger than our circumstances and stronger than our problems.

I wait for you, as I always have, not because I don't have a choice or because I'm weak, but because I know we belong with each other. I wanted to write to you today, but I wasn't sure if it bothers you to hear from me or if it makes things more complicated, so I stopped myself. Take care. You are missed.

Worth a Share

Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their sickbed -

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die.

Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.
I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
 
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

 We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and  relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' offamiliarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

How strong am I?

Let's just say, being a scorpio rising and leo sun, I can handle situations that others have to be medicated for.

I will always be the one

who risks it all- the nomad who loves for the sake of loving, who breaks all boundaries and loves beyond reason itself.

I'm in a driven mode

Feels like I have my old me back- with a renewed positivity and never take no for an answer attitude.

“Sorry, dude. Didn’t mean to lock you in!”

What could have been a day of frustration and non activity instead resulted in a day of inspiration and accomplishment.

Yesterday, at 10:30 AM, my roommate left our home with her two friends for Ojai. I declined to join them because, well, for one, I had this feeling that I am going to be sick during some part of the day and I did not want to drag the group down. Secondly, I knew that there was something at the Krishna temple that I wanted to attend in the middle of the day.

After I made acquaintance with her two friends, cut her birthday cake with them and bid them all goodbye, I rushed to the bathroom to shower and get ready for my temple visit. I was excited to partake in the ceremony in which they would chant the Bhagvad Gita in Sanskrit, an ancient Vedic language which is even older than Latin.

As I skipped joyfully down the ladders to the parking lot, I realized that my roommate’s car was parked behind mine- our Tandem parking structure often leads to such problems. My fear was echoed by her voice on the phone when I called her- “Eh, yeah, dude, crap, I have the keys. Sorry, didn’t mean to lock you in. Do you want me to come back and give them to you?” It was her birthday; moreover, I did not want to make her friend drive her back another 45 minutes. “No, don’t worry about it. Enjoy the trip and take care.” I answered calmly. Inwardly, I was annoyed and wished that she had had enough common sense and courtesy to keep a spare set.

No, I wasn’t going to miss my trip to see my Krishna. I needed to see him- Akin to Sudama, I need him to fulfill my one true desire. I have to get to him somehow, I thought to myself. I couldn’t walk- the ceremony had already started and I would surely be delayed heavily if I did that. “Why not take the bus?” I thought to myself. I’d almost never done that before in LA- except for a few random times. I ran to the computer and figured out the timings. I ran to the bus stop at 12:20. The bus arrived at 12:27 and by 1:00, after a quarter-mile walk, I was there at the Yagna at the temple.

Where there is a will, there is a way. I was able to get to where I needed to go- obstacles can't stop me when I really want something.

Never give up

on something you can't go a day without thinking about.