What does it mean

What does it mean when someone falls in love with you when you're not in their life? I am still trying to figure that one out.

When you give the time of their life to them in every sense- in bed, by being a good friend, by planning special evenings with them- they turn around and tell you that they love someone else. That you two aren't right for each other, and that they are looking for something else- sex and warmth with a lot of different people, and since you're not looking for the same, maybe you should just stop seeing each other (in other words, get the fuck out from my sight. I'll see you when I feel like it"). The next moment, they proceed to tell you, "Oh, by the way, I do want a committed relationship. But not with you, with my ex. We've already decided that for ourselves. This is so good for me- falling in love. After all, 'All you need it love, pa pa pa pa pa'"

Then, months later, they come back to you, telling you that they have fallen in love with you. How do you comprehend this? Should one not have sex in order to save a relationship? Not show care? Go away and become frigid?

I wonder how I took all that. My best friends, my sisters, though not in blood, but in spirit, are appalled when I tell them this fact, and ask me how I've restrained myself from delivering a tight slap across this man's face. But the funny thing is, I never wanted to hurt this person, despite everything that's gone wrong. I want to take a dagger and slip it into my own stomach sometimes to prevent the bile from rising to my esophagus everytime I think about what happened. The level of dishonesty and the number of lies told makes me sick, but I deal with it better everyday. I'm at a calm understanding of things now.I love again, every morning, with a new freshness, but the same naivete.

You can't buy me- I'm not for sale

"Have you ever dated someone with a fetish", A asks me during our dinner tonight.

I decided to take A out tonight because earlier last week, he had accused me of being "cagey" like all other women. He went as far as to claim that in his observation, a male-female friendship was always unfair to the men because they kept giving- financially, emotionally, physically- without receiving anything in return from the women. "That's a pretty big statement you're making there, buddy", I tell him. I realize that he is saying all these things to me on purpose because I refused to go to Alaska with him (his company was ready to pay for the trip). His reason for wanting to take me to Alaska- because female company is so soothing to him, especially from a sexy woman. "If that's not enough to make me feel like an object, I don't know what else is", I think to myself. Either way, I can't stand hearing this from someone. He can have his dinner that I sponsor for him tonight, and after this, it's going to be a good-bye. Of course, I'm not going to give him the benefit of a clear explanation. You just turned 31, buddy! Figure it out. Making constant sexual innuendos at me ("will you dress as a french maid when we're in alaska and squeal everytime you need help so that I can rescue you?") despite my protests, only because you find me attractive, is not going to help you. You came to me wanting my friendship at Barnes and Noble that July evening. I left to get coffee- you ran after me, telling me that you do not have enough female friends (Gee Whiz, I wonder why??)- can I be one of your few ones.

I'm not interested in you, dude. I love someone else. You already know that. Badmouthing the man I love or the situation that I find myself in only pushes me further away from you. Even if I did not love him, I could not bring myself to love you. You're shallow- only wanting to date skinny women with dark hair. You even said to me that if I was 120 pounds, I would not be so attractive to you. Well, hear out my shallow standards, then. I only date men who look better than me, and are 6 feet tall or above- alright, the former is a joke. But tall men are my type. You're 5'7- no such luck. Sorry!

You can keep your money, your Culver City Condo, your airline tickets. You can't buy me- I'm not for sale.

To answer A's question, I look back at my list of lovers. I've been intimate quite a few men, but only slept with a handful. "I've been with people who liked certain things", I remark, "But I'm not judgmental- I wouldn't call them fetishes". "But still, Shreya, some men like wierd things, like kissing your feet and your toes", he remarks. I smile- god, he's prudish, but he's like one of those men who never grew up- in a bad way. "Let's just say, that's pretty normal to me. In fact, I don't mind that." I say to him. "You've been around! Shreya!" He says it so loudly in that Indian restaurant where we're dining that it embarrasses me.This guy has been demanding my time in the evenings 3-4 times a week. Too much!

By the time he drops me home, I know that I'll have to cut off contact with him at some point. Don't know when, don't know how. But I'll have to. 

My mantra for living

This world gave me nothing

I took nothing from this world

Why should I give a shit about others

When they never bothered about me.

You can be

You can be a pussy without having a vagina.

Radhe's demands from Krishna

 Krishna's heart, which had always reached out to many shepherdesses, pleasuring all and loving all, felt a unique tug towards this unique woman - Radha. Radha became the focus of Krishna's heart's desires - an irreplaceable lover whose power of pulling Krishna to herself- she could not be any longer ignored by Krishna. Radha made Krishna repent for his straying ways and when Krishna could finally take no more, she relented. At such times, their passionate lovemaking was marked by an aggressive sexual position taken by Radha. She took the man's position of being on top, and even after they had made love, she commanded him to plait her hair and attend to her-

"Paint a leaf on my breasts!
Put colour on my cheeks!
Lay a girdle on my hips!
Twine my heavy braid with flowers!
Fix rows of bangles on my hands,
And jewelled anklets on my feet!"

Her yellow-robed lover
Did what Radha said.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to you, my dear Krishna!

Today brings me a lot of joy- just the feeling of having someone as grand as you as my caretaker makes my day, my week, my month, my year- my life!

You are adorable as a baby, naughty as a young boy, enchanting as an adolescent, an ideal man as an adult- and I have yet to find a word that would do justice to describe all of your aspects. You own me- I surrender to you, mind, body and soul.

I felt your kiss today on my lips as I was chanting your name. I had goosebumps on my skin for a long time after that. I love you. As long as I have you, why should I need another man? Never- my first marriage is with you- and it is sufficient for me.

If I die

If I die in a battle zone, box me up and send me home.

Put my medals on my chest, tell my mother I did my best

And tell my love not to cry- I'm a warrior, I fight till I die.

Test of my faith

This is a test of my faith- how far do I believe that Krishna will go for me to save me?

My uncle's cancer has relapsed- this leaves me in tears. I'm at a loss for thoughts at this point. Last year, I fasted for two weeks to pray to god. Now, I don't know how many more weeks I should fast for.

I was sitting on Venice Beach next to the waves as I received this news. It's almost as if god had timed it that way. I became numb as I heard it from my dad- my uncle is 50- hardly an age to lose one's life. I begged god to take away my life and grant my uncle his. He has so much to live for- a beautiful wife, my two cousins, my father, my grandparents.

I have nothing to live for- a broken dream of a career, a broken heart from lack of love- I'm just hanging by the thread. If you want, cut my thread. I promise, I won't even mind or say anything- I'll go peacefully. I'm at peace today with all of my brokenness.

I fell down later and hurt myself as I probably lost all sense of where I was walking, plus, the lights today were down in Venice Beach.

A life for a life, Krishna- take mine in exchange for his.

Shackled

The whole world feels like a jail- I feel shackled.

My feet are bound- I am not able to move from here. I am not able to remove myself from this predicament.I see the solution- but I'm not able to move towards it.

I want to be able to eat a full meal again without feeling sick to my stomach- my 24th birthday is coming up, Krishna. But more importantly, your birthday is coming up even before that- August 21st. Please grant me the gift that I ask for- it has been over a year now. So many heartbreaks in a year, Krishna? I know that my Karma has everything to do with whatever I face today, but please, I'll serve it in another way- I'll do good because I am good, and that's the only way that I know how to do things.

Make you feel my love

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel

                    My brother says that if I were a dog, I would be a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

I don't know whether to take that as an insult of a compliment, but one thing's for sure- if I were a dog, I would only want to be a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel in King Charles' court. 

love

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

I want to feel

I feel myself becoming numb and cynical. I never wanted to be this way. I always wanted to believe in love and all of its purity.

Please, don't force me to choose another path. I want to feel again- I want to be able to love. I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all. This is not a relief- it makes me sad to feel a void in me where love used to be.

A heart of gold

I would have taken care of you to the best of my ability if I had been there in her place. But I wasn't. So I don't know if I'll ever match up to her.

I can only offer you whatever little I have. For the first time in my life, I wish for money. I never cared for material things, at least I didn't care if I had them. I never thought that it could buy love- not in my fairytale, idealistic world. I lose a lot of respect for myself and you because of this fact. I also lost a lot of respect for this world, because it puts so little value on the emotion called love.

I am not blonde and light eyed and feminine and soft and small. I'm androgynous, intellectual, cynical yet romantic, stubborn, fiery, and most importantly, strong. I'm also tranquil, ethereal, and understanding. I am an old soul at 23- it seems to me like I'll turn 44 next month. Sure, I have amazing fashion sense, without ever formally studying it- but that extends to so many fields in my case. I passed the Advanced Placement Art History Exam in high school without enrolling in the class. I studied it all myself because I was passionate about it. I did the same for accounting.You cannot capture me in a one-word definition- I am a paradox. All these qualities blended in a 5'6 body make me a very rich person- albeit not a wealthy one.

The most valuable possession that I own is a heart made of gold, that becomes purer every time it is burned. I always wish everyone well- even those who wronged me. I am above wishing bad things upon people. I wish her well- I hope she finds whatever she looks for, whatever she needs. I'm grateful to her for taking care of you. I'm glad that you are well. I hope you find whatever peace you look for that would stop you from abusing yourself, like you've been all your life. I thought that turning 30 would put things in perspective for you, but I guess it takes more than that.

Remember, you are not only hurting yourself, but also this woman, who deserves much better than someone who is stringing her along. You realize that you are not meant to be with her. You put a finger to my lips whenever I try to understand you or ask questions. But does that quiet the endless string of questions that your heart asks you everyday?

I know that you do not believe in a god, but I sure hope that he believes in you. God bless you.

The Stranger

I lay my heart open to the benign indifference of the universe
 

-The Stranger, Albert Camus

When we two parted

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted,
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sank chill on my brow—
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me—
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:—
Long, long shall I rue thee
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met—
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?—
With silence and tears.

-Lord Byron

She walks in beauty

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent! 

-Lord Byron

M'aidez, S'il te plait

Krishna,

Please help me. Right now, I need your help more than I ever did before in my life. Let me stay strong through my struggles. I am nothing without your guidance.

Smile

No smile is more beautiful than the one that fights with tears.

Love

In contradiction, love grows in strength. In confrontation, love is preserved

Being Happy

Shreya,

Being happy is your responsibility. By giving the reins of happiness to another's hand, you are committing a crime. Nobody needs to have that level of guilt attached to life. Nobody deserves it!

The only one who is responsible for your destiny is you. Your future is between you and god. You tell him what you want it it. He makes it happen. Nobody else, but him.You get what you want, but on his timetable.

Let that be your lesson for the day. Look at the skies and realize that you can fly.

Whatever you like

Sex on the beach, Patron on ice

We can pop botttles all night


Baby, you can have whatever you like.

Memorable

I want to be so beautiful that men record the time they spent with me in their blogs.

Actually, scrap that.

I want to be such a good person that they all jot me down in the blogspot of their mind.

The minute

‎"The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along."

-Rumi