Sevillanas

Someone I know is going to Spain soon. I wish them the best for their trip and I just remembered that when I was learning the Flamenco, I also learned some Sevillana steps. They look like a lot of fun, and everyone in
Spain knows how to dance them. Here's an example-

It took me a few months to learn this! Have fun, SMC.

anyway

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

- Mother Teresa

Teach me how to live

Be fearless and pure; never waver in your determination or your dedication. Give freely. Be self-controlled, sincere, truthful, loving, and full of the desire to serve. Do not get angry or harm any living creature, but be compassionate and gentle; show good will towards all. Cultivate vigor, patience, will, purity; avoid malice and pride. Then, you will achieve your destiny.

-Krishna (Bhagvad Gita)

 And so, I live by his instructions. Thank you, my beloved, for guiding me. 

Shakespeare- Sonnet 130- The Dark Lady

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun,

Coral is far more red, than her lips red,

If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun:

If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head:

I have seen roses damasked, red and white,

But no such roses see I in her cheeks,

And in some perfumes is there more delight,

Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.

I love to hear her speak, yet well I know,

That music hath a far more pleasing sound:

I grant I never saw a goddess go,

My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.

And yet by heaven I think my love as rare,

As any she belied with false compare  -Shakespeare I love this Sonnet- we love people for their quirks. I have too many, maybe that's why nobody loves me. I'd like to think that the one who falls in love with my would appreciate them all. I'd definitely fall in love with theirs.

my prayer

I am miles from where you are, I lay down on the cold ground And I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms.

Good deeds

No good deed ever goes unpunished. That's what life has taught me to this day, and I continue to not learn this lesson.

That's my Karma. Despite that, I would like to remain compassionate and do good things, even to those who hurt me. God has his eyes, and I'm sure that he loves me for being this way. I sure do love him, despite everything.

Dying

Dying is easy...living in this world is tougher. That's what requires real strength.

I want to be happy when I grow up

‎"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn’t understand the assignment.
I told them they didn’t understand life."
— John Lennon

Realization

I was feeling bitter in the morning towards that particular person who treated me very unfairly- and once bitterness starts to form, boy, does it grow exponentially by the second. It is such a scary experience to realize that! The only way for me to control it was to see the bigger picture and understand that I am facing these consequences because of my own deeds- and that I am the one to blame for his behavior towards me because I behaved like that with people in my life previously. Therefore, I must learn my lesson this time.

At the same time, I realized how fortunate I am that at least god gifted me with the ability to see the end of it clearly and that I will win my love back in the end. Most people are not able to recognize those special messages from Krishna/ god/ the Universe/ the higher power/ divinity- whatever you want to call it.

Taking responsibility for your actions can be quite humbling, but at the same time, it can offer you a lot of peace and the realization that you have the power to change things and situations in your life. I promise to change every day, and I do see that change in myself a lot more now.

I love you, Krishna, you even came to visit me in my acting class today :) I couldn't believe it, but you were there- you're everywhere for me, aren't you?

I am sorry

I'm so sorry for everything. When I look back at all the times that I've hurt the people who love me, I want to just cry and apologize to them. I cannot see some of them anymore to apologize to them in person- but I still try to make an effort. Of course, many do not believe me. I do not blame them. I cannot believe I hurt Jimmy like that- I should have had the decency to break up gracefully, and not make it a mess like I did. I admit it, it is totally my fault at how badly the break up went.

I should have never lied to my parents when I was younger- I was living a double life, and it sure as hell caught up to me. Now that I always tell the truth to my mother, everything feels so much lighter. I should have never taken her for granted. I should have never been unfaithful to my love as I was in the beginning of our dating relationship. That definitely still bothers me, to this day. I have many, many, many faults. I promise to always be faithful in every relationship that I have now.

I see why I am suffering today- it's because of my past deeds. Every one of them is catching up to me. However, I am glad, in a way, that I learn my lessons now. I am so much mindful today than I ever was before.

Whenever anyone blames me for something now, instead of trying to counter it, I sit back and take the blame. I feel a lot better doing that, than trying to argue against it, even if it is not all my fault. I forgive the person for not looking outside their judgment of me to see the whole situation. I take all criticism in a positive vein and promise myself to do better next time.

I understand why I am delayed in achieving my wishes and goals- so that I can learn my lessons before I get them. And I sure am learning.

The sweetness of Krishna

Adharam Madhuram, Vadanam Madhram,
Nayanam Madhuram, Hasitham Maduram,
Hrudhayam Madhuram, Gamanam Maduram,
Madhuradhipather Akhilam Madhuram 1

Sweet are thine lips, Krishna,
So is thine sweet cherubic face,
Sweet are thine jet black eyes, Krishna
So is thine soulful laugh,
Sweet is thine loving heart, Krishna
So is thine beautiful gait,
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet.

Vachanam Madhuram, Charitham Madhuram,
Vasanam Madhuram, Valitham Madhuram,
Chalitham Madhuram, Bramitham Maduram,
Madhurathipather Akhilam Madhuram. 2

Sweet are thine sweetest words, Krishna,
So is thine divine story.
Sweet is the place of your stay , Krishna,
So is thine greatness,
Sweet are thine movements, Krishna,
So is thine confusion.
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet.

Venur Madhura, Renur Madhura,
Panir Madhura, Padou Madhura,
Nrithyam Madhuram, Sakhyam Madhuram,
Madurathipather Akhilam Maduram 3

Sweet is thine flute , Krishna,
So is thine foot-dust,
Sweet are thine hands Krishna,
So are thine feet.
Sweet is thine dance Krishna,
So is thine friendship.
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet

Geetam Madhuram, Peetam Madhuram,
Bhuktam Madhuram,Suptam Madhuram,
Roopam Madhuram, Thilakam Madhuram
Madhurathipather akhilam Madhuram. 4

Sweet is thine song, Krishna,
So is what you drink,
Sweet is what you eat, Krishna,
So is your sleep,
Sweet are thine looks , Krishna,
So is thine Tilaka,
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet.

Karanam Madhram, Tharanam Madhuram,
Haranam Madhuram, Ramanam Madhuram,
Vamitham Madhuram, Samitham Maduram,
Madhurathipather Akhilam Madhuram. 5

Sweet are thine deeds, Krishna,
So is thine path of salvation,
Sweet is thine theft , Krishna,
So is thine play of love,
Sweet are thine oblations, Krishna,
So is thine tranquility,
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet

Gunja Madhura, Mala Madhura,
Yamuna Madhura, Veechi Madhura,
Salilam Madhuram, Kamalam Madhuram,
Madhurathipather Akhilam Madhuram. 6

Sweet is thine necklace of berries, Krishnam
So is thine garland,
Sweet is thine river Yamuna, Krishna,
So are the ripples in the river,
Sweet is thine water , Krishna,
So is the lotus in the water,
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet

Gopi Madhura, Leela Madhura,
Yuktham Madhuram, Muktham Madhuram,
Drishtam Madhuram,Sishtam Madhram,
Madhurathipather akhilam Madhuram… 7

Sweet are thine Gopis , Krishna,
So is thine playful sport,
Sweet are thine right thoughts, Krishna,
So is thine salvation,
Sweet is what you see, Krishna,
So is what is left out,
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet

Gopa Madhura, Gavo Madhura,
Yashtir Madhura, Srushtir Madhra,
Dhalitham Madhram, Phalitham Madhuram,
Madhurathipather akhilam Madhuram… 8

Sweet are thine Shepherds , Krishna,
So are thine cows,
Sweet is thine staff, Krishna,
So is thine creation,
Sweet is what you trample , Krishna,
So are thine jokes,
Hey king of all sweetness in this world,
Everything about Thee is sweet

Madman vs Mystic

The only difference between the madman and the mystic is that the world of the madman is filled with fear, and the world of the mystic is filled with awe and a certain knowing that what is happening is happening for a reason.

I don't want to pine

I don't want to pine anymore. But, it is my punishment. I must, or else I will never learn my lesson.

And then, I ask god for forgiveness. I ask him to grant me my wish. I asked myself, If I had to walk for 8 hours continuously to have my wish fulfilled, would I do it? OF COURSE! I would walk on burning coal in order to get this wish. Shit, if I don't get this, I'll die. Therefore, I must have it. I know that god will grant it to me, on his timeframe. I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT. Waiting is actually harder than walking on burning coal, believe it or not. But, it is also a lesson.

All these things teach me some important stuff. I am grateful that I learn these when I'm 23!

Success

Success: Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked.

Faith

Doubt sees what is – Hope sees what is and can be – Faith sees what is and will be

When people ask me how I can be so sure that the outcome will be in my favor, I always refer to faith. Then, they look at me as if I am a lunatic, or I am speaking another language. I feel that we have become so disillusioned with everything that doubting seems much easier than believing. Of course, it is much easier to look at what's wrong, accept that we can't fix it, and then just sit back, than to do something about it- something as simple as believing! I am myself guilty of such thoughts sometimes- but, I have learnt to recognize and change my mental state because my physical reaction to negativity is so pronounced. We sit and complain about how bad things just keep happening to us- Well, if we expect something, it will happen. Negativity attracts more of the same.

It is not easy to believe that things will be golden when we're going through the worst, but once we train our mind to think in that way, it can get us through any struggle that life presents us with.

This is so touching

CNN Heroes- this is so touching. This woman is amazing. Hats off to her.

This one's for you, Jimmy

Jimmy, you loved me in the true sense. I am so sorry that things did  not work out between us and that the love died because of disagreements about my career choice. I just want to thank you- you did your best for both of us. I did, too, but I fell short. I am sorry- the breakup was one of the most difficult times of our lives- especially for you. I am so proud of you that you went on to Medical school despite everything, and that you were able to soldier on through your exams despite the breakup.

You did all you could for me- you took me out, you woke up in the morning to drop me to train stations- heck, you even talked to my dad for me. Your family was wonderful to me- we would have been  married had I not made the choice to become an actress. Sometimes, I wonder whether I made the right choice in choosing that particular career and giving up everything else. Please realize that I did not want to abandon our relationship- I gave it 2 years of struggle and arguments and disagreements before finally bidding you goodbye. To this day, your love haunts me. Your care, your concern for me, the little things you did, my dear. How you fed me food with the ladle spoons, how you held my hand when your drove. You did not let me step on the ground. I was always your little princess, Jimmy.

I do not know if anyone will ever treat me as a princess ever again, J. But, I will always hope that you and your Pooja have a beautiful life together, and that when you look back at me a few years from today, you realize that I never meant you any harm, and that I was genuine in my efforts to salvage whatever we had. I am very sorry for whatever hurt I inflicted upon you. May god bless you, as he already is, from what I can see :) As for me, do rest assured that I am paying the price for being selfish. God did do justice to you. I am suffering right now for causing you suffering.

Happy Thoughts

Yesterday, I ended up at the Kali Temple in Laguna Beach, without realizing it. Kali, of course, is the "mother" of the universe, the divine energy herself. Yesterday was Mother's Day- what an awesome coincidence, I thought to myself.

As I was sitting there, praying to the mother, I saw a lady dressed in red with bangles in her arms and henna on her hands. I felt this wish surge over me- I wanted to be in her place at that moment. Red is the color that most brides choose to wear on their wedding day in India. I decided that day that I will wear red for my wedding as well. The bangles on her hand moved as she clapped her hands to the beat of the chants. I want to get married in the traditional way of my ancestors- there is something so feminine, so beautiful about the Indian bride. It's this fantasy that I have in my mind- except that I won't be the "blushing" bride- god, I'd be so excited on my wedding day that I'd probably dance more than anyone else! Heck, I'll probably dance my way to the altar. Love has always been a challenge for me. My wedding day will be the happiest day of my life.

I asked Ma Kali to please bless me and make my wishes come true. I believe that she will.

Radhe's love for Krishna

Love in Separation: Separation tests the endurance of love. The physical distance between the lovers burns the dross and taint of lust and true love purified of all its carnal concomitants shines forth. The heart of the lovers is a scene of expectancy and despair. 

Radha feels a strong repulsion for making herself up, the idea of it nauseates her in the absence of Krishna. “Whom should I adorn myself for?” asks she peevishly. She wipes the vermillion mark off her forehead, and casts her pearl necklace into the Jamuna river. Sandalwood paste and soft moonlight scorch and burn her like hot summer winds and aggravate her pain and agony. The cool fragrant breeze of the monsoon  bites her and enkindle her passions. She fondly hopes to meet Krishna in a dream but the Almighty is so cruel-hearted that she fails to get to sleep. And when, perchance, she drops off for a moment and sees Krishna in her dream she wakes up disturbed and writhes with pain. She spends the night restlessly tossing about on her bed.

A crow’s cawing gives her great solace and comfort for according to popular belief it lignifies the return of her lover. She promises the crow a bowl of milk-rice and assures it to gild its beak.

Radha has been reduced to skin and bone and her maids fear to fan her with a lotus leaf lest she should be blown away with the puff of breeze. When her maids prompt her to forget such a callous lover who has renounced her and gone away, she regrets her inability to do so, for her very existence is bound up with his memory. The moment she drives him off her thoughts she would cease to exist. She is reluctant to die as she has no one in mind to whom she can bequeath Krishna. Radha is haunted by the memory of Krishna. She wistfully remembers the days spent in his company. She wishes she had the wings of a dove and could fly and meet him. She fondly asks,

            When shall I get rid of this endless sorrow?

            O, when shall I re-enjoy the moonlight

            and play with the lotus like a bee? 

She recalls his qualities and recounts them to her maids. Her anxiety grows every moment. She longs to meet him. “When will he be back and stroke my breast and kiss and caress me and fulfil my desires?”  Her condition deteriorates, she has fainting fits and even the cool and fragrant breeze fails to revive her. Nothing less than the touch of Krishna’s hand can save her now. Her suffering reaches its climax when she becomes delirious and forgetting her identity imagines herself to be Krishna and invokes the name of Radha. Then a feeling of tedious numbness overtakes her. Her eyes are bedimmed and she wails listlessly:

           

            Madhava, no longer can I live without you,

            You have gone to Madhupur.

            Oh! how shall I cast this mortal bond and fly unto you.....?

Radha’s love is not unreciprocated; Krishna is equally afflicted with separation from her. In these yearnings of Radha and Krishna to meet each other the devotees have seen the individual soul’s yearning to meet the supreme soul.

I leave everything to K...

I leave everything to Krishna. That way, I give up on my worrying. As I sat there in my meditative center yesterday, I stared at Krishna for a while. I realized that I was staring at the world's most beautiful man ever. His dreamy, luminiscent, doe eyes, staring back at me, with a mild, sweet smile on his red, full lips. I stare at him unabashedly. He's too beautiful...forget higher spiritual connections- this lifetime may just be spent absorbing his physical beauty. I don't think I'm over it yet...I don't know if I'll ever get over my first love.

He is perfect. I felt a knot in my gut/ esophagus area yesterday, since the morning, because of stress. As I meditated, I realized that this is the place in our body where we store our ego. I asked for Krishna's help in undoing this knot. It takes a few minutes, but little by little, I work on it and it is gone, finally. That felt wonderful- I felt like I had been sick for years, and now I am able to finally get up from my bed and breathe easily. I need to leave things to him and just rest.

Let's make a bet

Dear Krishna, 

Let's make a bet

If I win, you're mine.

If you win, I'm yours.

Anyway

Love, love, love this so much!

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

- Mother Teresa

I am learning...

He who perceives Me everywhere and beholds everything in Me never loses sight of Me, nor do I ever lose sight of him.
— The Bhagavad Gita VI:30

I am learning, Krishna, I am learning. I am starting to see you in everything now. I even see you when I look in the mirror. You test me, from time to time. It shatters me completely- I'm still a naive little child- and then I pick up my own pieces and restore myself to go on to have another day of loving you. I will love you forever. The soul is eternal, so are you. Therefore, I do not ever worry about death anymore. My body, my mind, my material belongings are yours to keep- you can take back whatever you've given to me- because none of it is mine, anyway.

Krishna is love- and there is love in all of us. Some of us just don't see it. They are the ones who need even more loving. 

Star Vicino- Those Italians know how to tug at people's heartstrings

Star vicino al bell' idol, che s'ama,
E il piu vago diletto d'amor

Star lontano dal ben che si brama
E d'amore il piu vivo dolor

Stereo Love

When you gonna stop breaking my heart
I don't wanna be another one
Paying for the things I never done
Don't let go, don't let go to my love

I hate to see you cry, your smile is a beautiful lie.
I hate to see you cry, my love is dying inside.
I can fix all those lies, oh, baby, baby, I run, but I'm running to you
You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain, but I'm smiling for you.

Can I get to your soul ? Can you get to my thoughts ?
Can you promise we won't let go ?
All the things that I need, all the things that you need
You can make it feel so real.
'Cause you can't deny, you've blown my mind
When I touch your body, I feel I'm losing control
'Cause you can't deny, you've blown my mind
When I see you baby, I just don't wanna let go

When you gonna stop breaking my heart
I don't wanna be another one ...

I hate to see you cry, your smile is a beautiful lie.
I hate to see you cry, my love is dying inside.
I can fix all those lies, oh, baby, baby, I run, but I'm running to you
You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain, but I'm smiling for you.
Oh, baby, I'll try to make the things right
I need you more than air, when I'm not with you
Please, don't ask me why, just kiss me this time
My only dream is about you and I.

Moi- Who says I don't have fashion sense?

A letter to K

I want to leave everything up to you, Krishna. I will never fear, for you are always with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

I love you so much, Krishna. I feel lonely sometimes- my fingertips get cold as I lie alone in my bed. My breath speeds up, then slows down abnormally. My heart jumps up and down, and yet, my body does not have the strength to get up. At the same time, I cannot make myself go back to sleep. I cry tears of hopelessness, until I reach that one moment when I am able to catch hold of myself and chant "Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Krishna....". It is my faith in you that keeps me going day after day.

I won't lie- there are times when I feel that everything that I believe in is just a figment of my imagination- every wish, every desire. But then, the countless times that you saved me or granted me my wishes flash in front of my eyes. I have no right to think that Krishna does not listen, I rebuke myself. I do not know your leela, my lord. As a human, I think that I have everything figured out. Foolish me! I begin to look for a pattern, a way to "solve" the problem, a way to figure out your grand plan, your leela. Little do I realize that I am too small, too insignificant, too inconsequential to even know where to begin. I return disappointed. It is my ego, my false arrogance that causes me this suffering. Can you please do me a huge favor, Krishna, and destroy these devils of my mind? They are my biggest enemies, and prevent me from taking steps to move further in my life.

I need you to keep my faith strong and unshakable. Yes, I cannot avoid suffering, but I can learn to overcome it. Perhaps this suffering is there for a reason- and that reason is that I remember you more when I suffer. I will change that, I promise. I will always pray to you and remember how you were with me in my times of need- even when the garden of my life is green again. Will you please be my teacher? Who better than you, my lord. If you're the Captain of my ship, I will surely reach the shores safe.

Your Truly,

Shreya