2012

I discovered an archery range in West LA in the vicinity of my home. I'm picking up archery again- I left it off when I was prescribed a set of eyeglasses at age 10. I expect to be very rusty for the first few days, but the thought of shooting arrows at my target excites me.

In 2012, I will-
1.) Pick up archery again
2.) Ballet again
3.) Take UCLA Camera Acting classes beginning January 2012.
4.) Network more with fellow film students/ makers.
5.) Continue to pray and meditate every day

I am daddy's girl

My father just returned and I got to see him after almost three months. I was worried about him, but he is in a great mood and seems to be doing just fine. If anything, I am yet to get over his brother's passing. I marvel at his strength and passion for living. I did get my fighting spirit from him, after all.

The Clown

A young man goes to see his doctor. He is overcome by a terrible sadness and doesn't think anything will make him feel better.
The doctor says, "Why not do something happy, like going to see Grimaldi the clown?".
The young man answers, with a knowing look, "Ah, but Doctor", he says, "I am Grimaldi."

Exhilaration of the night before

still lingers in my eyes
My arms have yet to let go of your intoxicating body
Even though my eyes are open, that dream still continues
My breath remembers that dream that your lips placed on it


Sometimes, I grow restless for you
When I turn on my bed, I switch to a different dream of us
When thoughts of you hit me, the memories twist me to the core
Even under a sheet of water, my body would smolder

My breath remembers that dream that your lips placed on it

I know, there will be long seasons when we will embrace,
As compared to promises of several lifetimes, this separation is trifling
All I want from life is a long night and a long day that I could spend with you
Even if life were so short, I would not complain as long as I spent loving moments with you
My breath remembers that dream that your lips placed on it

Mahatma Gandhi, after his death

This is a photograph of Gandhi, after he was shot to death on January 30, 1948. I don't put this here to be controversial- not at all. I post this because this photograph made me stop and think about life and how it even betrays the best. But that doesn't mean that we don't give it our best- if anything, Mahatma Gandhi inspires me to fight on without hurting others. Nonviolent struggle, if you will.

Special moments

A special person can put a special smile on your face- when that special person does that for me, I send thousands of lovely thoughts his way to thank him for his love.

The most significant gifts of life are the beautiful moments that you spend with the ones you love- the moment lasts for a second, but the memories last for a lifetime. When I see people yelling at their partners/ lovers or making grievances against them publicly, I cringe because relationships are so valuable and so vulnerable- respect for the relationship and for the significant other is of utmost importance. People take them for granted. I always make it a point to put in the effort. We are not perfect, and as difficult it is to accept someone else's faults, it is even more so acknowledging our own. I know that I make mistakes often, so I make a promise to myself today to learn from those mistakes and not repeat them tomorrow.

Tamil Tuesday

"Unnai thothaal unnai lathai noruka matiyo
Ennai pola pennai parthu mayanga matiyo
Kannal kannai soththi vittaal sirika maatiyo
Ennal ennai soththi vittaal otikka maatiyo "

Wouldn't it overwhelm your soul if you touched me?
Wouldn't you be mesmerized when you see a woman like me?
Wouldn't you smile a wide eyed smile if our eyes locked together?
Wouldn't you just stick to me like a magnet if I came close to you?

Red robe & Wistfulness

 

I was not feeling well today- my cold still bothers me, but I had made a commitment to my photographer friend. I showed up, and I'm glad that I did, because this beautiful photograph makes it worth it.

Give first

"Reach out before the other. Put your love on the line, then life will come to you. Not as a bargain, but as a gift."
-Father Hugo Noonan

The turns that our story takes

I broke the strictures of this world to come to you
I left the world behind for your sake
maddened by your love, I come to your door

This heart loves you fervently,
This heart desires you ardently
It beats for your love

When I behold your radiance, I forget my woes
These tears that flow from my eyes
scream through their silence-
The space between us kills me, and I feel like a pariah
living in this world without you


If you would have mercy on me
and grace me with one glance,
For that favor itself, I would give up my heart,
darling, I would lay down life itself,
like a moth would jump in flames.


Ah, the turns that our story takes...

Longing for my love

Poet Surdas says: My eyes are thirsty for a glimpse of Krishna. I want a glimpse of my lotus-eyed lord . I don't see him, and that makes me sad and restless everyday.
Krishna, who wears a saffron tilak, and a pearl necklace; Krishna who belongs to Vrindavan. After stealing my heart he has left me like a worthless blade of grass.
No one knows the pain I go through on account of separation from Krishna. People make fun of me, not knowing my pain. Krishna, without seeing you, I cannot rest.

Ramayana Reading

I got to sit in on a reading of Ramayana today. Ramayana is a hindu epic of Rama, one of the ten reincarnations of Vishnu. It was being read in Sanksrit, and I can read the Devanagari script pretty darn well. Sanskrit is older than Latin, and all the ancient Hindu texts are written in it. It makes me happy to have the ability to read and understand another language so well.

The hosts had been reading the Ramayana for the past 23 hours. I had the amazing opportunity to be involved in the last four hours of it. At the end, they sang something as they made food offerings to the diety, along the lines of-

"Krishna rejected the invitation made to him by kings in favor of dining with a common man who only had the simplest of food to offer him because his feelings towards Krishna were of true devotion and love."

I know that while people may care about how poor I am and reject my love because I do not have more material possessions to offer them; Krishna will never do the same. He will always accept my love, no matter my physical state, my financial status, my flaws, my mistakes. If I offer myself to him with true love, he will accept me even after the world rejects me. A lot people don't understand the joy that my relationship with Krishna gives me. Minoti often tells me, "Dude, you know, you're not required to meditate everyday and go to the center. Nobody's asking you to. Don't feel guilty, take this time to do things for yourself." But this is also what I need to do for myself. I am joyful in that relationship- how else do I explain it? I don't need anything out of that relationship to be in it- I am happy just loving him.

For a moment, I felt tears well in up my eyes as I silently asked god- I was good in every way that I could be- then why do I have to face such adverse situations? But then, I realized, it is never a guarantee that things will be easier if you if you follow that path- in fact, they say that those chosen by god have their paths scattered with thorns. Then, as we overcome adversity, our souls become wiser and reach a higher understanding.

My relationship with Krishna is my inspiration for my relationships with others. I strive to love without judgment; expectation; conditions; resentment. Humans deserve as much love as Krishna, and love is one currency that only makes you richer as you give it away.

Midnight Mass

I attended Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. It has been so long since I did that. I was debating whether I should go, but finally decided to.

I'm glad I went, because I really liked one of the analogies that they made. They spoke about thoughts, and how Peter Pan and Harry Potter both had to use the power of "thought". Peter Pan could only fly with pixie dust and happy thoughts, and Harry Potter could only use happy thoughts to conjure up a spell to defeat soul sucking dementors. I can defeat my inner devil, doubt, through thoughts- thoughts of happiness, hope, joys that I am already blessed with, and confidence. With time, effort, persistence and faith in fairness and love, I can overcome my obstacles and I'm sure I will be just as blessed as everyone else. I won't have to beg for happiness someday. I won't have to live on pieces thrown down on me by fate- I'll have things to look forward to, I'll have a successful career, I'll have a deeper understanding of life, I'll have a happy family and I'll be able to make a difference in this world.

Goddess

This woman, Katrina Kaif, looks like an absolute goddess in this number. There is no other word that would do justice to her sexiness and sensuality. The number itself is stereotypically bollywood in an old world way, and the man's clothes make him look gay, but who's even looking at him when that bombshell is shaking it right next to him.

I would so love to do this to man- and my perfect man would have to love being seduced in the rain- bollywood style.

Your kisses

left something to be desired-
the rest of you

I think this is meant for me

The holidays are here

I was meditating today and found myself crying, remembering this past year and how difficult it's been; how much I've grown because of these struggles and wondering when I will get to reap the rewards.

I thought about my father and how much he must be missing his brother. While I'll never know why my uncle passed away so young, I do have a better understanding of the "how". It all worked out in a way that was eerily planned, almost- my uncle married my aunt, loved her in the most romantic, intense way possible; loved and spoiled both his daughters to his best ability; worked very hard to become extremely successful in his stockbroking business; vacationed to the most awesome places in the world and built a grand palatial home for himself and the rest of the family; visited America with his family; and the most haunting one was his visit here earlier this year- he all of a sudden planned to come by in July for some work and medical things and saw the new home that my family recently purchased.

More specifically, my uncle had met the rest of the family last year except for me because I did not visit India with them last summer- so, I had the opportunity to meet him one final time, to make tea for him, to talk to him about life and theater and ambition and love. My uncle and I are quite similar- we have the same large, deep set, intense eyes that we inherited from my grandfather. We are both highly ambitious and we live for those we love- the rest of the world can love us/ hate us/ go take a hike. We don't really give a shit. We are both strongly Scorpio in our birth charts. In fact, out of pure emotion, I declared that I would name my son Sanjay. I read later that when a Scorpio dies, there are high chances of another birth happening in the family relatively soon and the next person born is a soul reincarnation of this Scorpio who passed away (Scorpions are regenerative signs- they rise from their difficulties, pain and even ashes). I refer to my uncle in present tense because he is still here- I had a dream the night before where him and his family were getting ready for my wedding. I know he'll be there- I just have to call out to him.

                             I'll see you again- that much I'm sure of.

Punjabi Proverb

Teri kismat da likha tere to koi kho nahi sakda,
Jee usdi mehar hove te tenu o vee mil jaega jo tera ho nai sakda.

 A punjabi proverb, translated-

You cannot lose whatever it is that you are meant to have,

 But with his grace, you can even earn whatever that is not written in your destiny to have.

Simple rules of living-

-If I do not go after what I want from life, I'll never have it.

-If I don't ask for what I want, the answer will always be no.

-If I don't step forward, I'll forever be stuck in the same place.

Test of endurance

Today feels like a test of endurance. My head is as heavy as lead; there isn't a part of my body that is not sore; I am shivering and I am at work. Last night, I could not sleep because of this nasty cold that my body is harboring. As I went downstairs to drink some water at 5:30 am, I felt weak and nauseated. I had to sit down on the stairs on my way back up to my bedroom. My fingers felt frozen and I felt chills run down my body. I can't focus on anything; my mind is cranky; men who I do not want to talk to at all are constantly contacting me and I don't know how to take it politely anymore. I wish some people would just get the hint and disappear. The height of this madness is that I cannot sit at my meditation center (temple) till the end of the service anymore because this man would run out and chase me all the way to my car. I literally sneak out five minutes before the chants end. Another "friend" keeps calling and texting to hang out; but he constantly tries to get close and makes innuendoes that make me very uncomfortable. I've told him to stop but he won't listen. I get irritated and that makes me want to wall up and not be so open to talking to strangers and people in general. I would deal with this well usually but my sickness makes it worse.

Today marks the sixth day of this torture and I can't wait to be healthy again.

Letter 365

"My Dearest Allie, I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah"

Not too many love stories can beat the greatness of "The Notebook". Yes, people decry it as a "chick flick" , a movie that is nothing close to reality, but as I go through life and fall in love, I connect with this film more.

I realized how amazing the protagonist Noah's last letter to his love, Allie is. Nothing else matters in love except for the happiness of the one you love, even if that means letting go of them. Other times, you must fight for your love if it matters that much to you. Love is sometimes supposed to be inconvenient and painful. It means being selfless- it means compromising sometimes for the sake of the other person's happiness. Things worth having are worth fighting for. Sometimes, our choices hurt others, but we have to be true to ourselves and our love. Ultimately, love helps us grow and if it is true, it always comes back to us.

The greatest danger

for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it. But that it is too low and we reach it.

-Michaelangelo

Bollywood Beats

Look at the way she shakes it- I would give anything for a waist and a body like that! Secretly, I want to dance in a Bollywood movie someday, just like this. I would consider my acting career incomplete without it.

                       I bet men can't stop staring. I don't blame them.

Watch it!

watch your thoughts as they become your words.

watch your words as they become your actions

watch your actions as they become your habit

watch your habit it becomes your character

I bonded

with Priyanka this last weekend. It was hilarious- Minoti's sister's birthday. We were all dancing when a South Indian number began playing. I'm not South Indian, and none of my friends are, but it was wonderfully catchy. Although we couldn't understand a word of the lyrics, Priyanka pulled me to the middle of the room and both of us began gyrating to the beats. It was 4 and a half minutes of bumping, grinding and boisteriousness. Shit gets rowdy sometimes, but it's fun so I don't mind.

This was my first time meeting Priyanka. I know that she's seriously dating Minoti's cousin. She's intelligent, beautiful and good at dancing. I'm glad that I got to make a new friend.

I woke up

today feeling sick- extremely tired and with a sore throat. For the past couple of days, things were pretty hectic and my body was giving me signs that it is exhausted. I ignored them and kept abusing. I don't know why I feel so "heroic" when I keep powering on beyond the breaking point.

While I feel guilty sitting here at home, this was probably the best thing that I could do for myself at this point. I don't like to take days off work unless there is a good reason. It hurts to even talk today, so I would not have been able to talk to clients and my focus would have not been on work.

Instead, I'm going to read Hamlet and drink some soup so that I can feel better.

My first shoot next year

is scheduled in Soledad Canyon- it should be fun. The character sounds awesome to play around with, and I can hike the Canyon once I'm done with the shoot, or even go to Six Flags.

I was on a happy hike

When this photo was taken.

I had no makeup on- was a little tired from the night before. But, I was happy- my eyes said that much. I cherish my happy moments because they give me hope that things will be well again.

Who lives for reality?

I read this inspiring paragraph today by Michael Shurtleff from his book, Audition-

"a dream of romance is what no human being can live without; an excess of reality is what is wrong with our current world. Reality kills. We can't live for reality (if we did, most of us could not bear to stay alive for very long) but for that dream of what we hope will happen: love from someone splendid, success, glory, honor, and applause. Romance is the dream of something better happening to us."

So, I don't really mind when people say, "Oh, Shreya, you're such a hopeless romantic."

In fact, I'm a hopeful romantic- I dream of all of the above- love from that someone splendid, glory, honor, and applause.

My perfect relationship

- Forget routines (routines are boring and boring is NOT allowed).
- Don’t suffocate me (Freedom + Adventure = Eternal Happiness)
- Constantly challenge my mind.

In return,
- I'm great at giving people space- they can leave for days and do things on their own- I wouldn't stop or   
  bother them.
- I'd be the most understanding and I'd treat my partner's family as my own.
- I would stay faithful once I'm in a relationship with someone and give it my best.

I appreciate compliments, if they are sincere. I love with all my heart, body and soul. Oh, and kisses are important.

If my lover wants to truly blow my mind, all it takes is the right kiss. My deepest fantasy is to be kissed senseless.

Did I mention that I love to kiss?

I miss my dad

As I sit here crying, I remember how lovely my home feels when he is around. My father is the last of his kind- they don't make men like that anymore, and I really mean it, not because he's my father, but because he's a gem of a person.

He is solid, hearty, strong and a real "man". He is extremely intelligent and very talented. That comes with a heart of 24 K gold and a childlike innocence about him. He thinks lightning fast but his actions are cautious and controlled. The only time I've seen him not graceful is when he dances- he's the worst dancer ever- but he's so adorable to watch. It makes me happy just to see my father smile, and I confess, sometimes I say silly things just to earn one from him. I laugh for no reason when I see him laugh- like he used to back when I was 2 years old. I wouldn't sleep without my dad's stories- he told me one every single day until I was 5. My mom didn't have such a large reservoir of stories, and would often get upset at my dad for spoiling me thus.

My father's way of showing affection is just to touch our hair gently with his hands. He doesn't do that to me anymore, and I really miss that. I see him touching my baby brother's toe sometimes with his own toes, and my baby brother, being the snappy Gemini who is not very keen on touch, bristles. My dad just smiles and does it again- he's a Taurus. For them, the most natural way of showing affection is to soothingly touch. He takes such great care of my mother that he doesn't even let her walk down the stairs at night whenever she needs water. He fetches it for her. There's a sadness in my father's eyes and smile- life has not been very nice to him. Why do all the men in my life go through so many accidents and injuries?

My father and I have our differences, but I am very much like my father. I love him so much, I hope he is well, and I miss him. I promise to be better and to become successful as an actor- It's my promise to my father and his deceased brother. And I sit here wondering, what must my cousins be going through? They'll never see theirs again.

Thoughts rush back

to a time when I was still a teenager. I always rebelled in ways that "mattered"- drugs and cigarettes only go so far and all teenagers go through a phase of trying them, but the ones who break the status quo, date against family approval and choose careers that are "high risk" are the real rebels.

I always lived life the way I wanted to live it. My parents detested the fact that I loved someone who was not Indian (they've eventually come around to the idea of it); moreover, this was someone they did not approve of. As a result, I lost out on going to a better school or taking more acting classes. I had to rush to graduate within two and a half years. I could have had a much better GPA; I could have done more internships that mattered- I could have had my parents' support had I chosen comfort over love. But I chose love because that's what the heart chose. No regrets- this is all just an observation. My best friend in this world, my intuition, pointed out the glaring truth to me- don't stay with someone who manipulates you into giving up on your life's passion. However, even though it did not work out, I learned a lot from my previous relationship. I do miss money and all the options that come along with it sometimes, but

I won't ask for money. Why should I pray to god for money when he's blessed me with a heart that is made of gold?

I am a former ballerina

Yep. That's me. Not a fully trained one, but I did train in dance and yoga for a number of years. After my accidents, I lost a lot of my flexibility. However, I am still pretty darn flexible for someone who is so out of shape. I want to ballet again after I saw my ballet flats lying in my parents' garage. I smiled ruefully as I realized that I've neglected for my art for too long- be it acting, dancing, or painting. Someone or the other close to me in my life always had something negative to say about it. I don't ever regret any relationship that I've had- it's just that I wish I had the good sense to pull myself out of a relationship which prevented me from reaching out to what makes me happy.

I always had the build and the small ankles for dance- it would help me a lot with stage movement and getting rid of awkwardness or stiffness if I pick it up again. Here's to an art form that makes me as graceful as I am today- not very, but thankfully, at least a little.

Ophelia is mine

I own that role- Ophelia will be played by me. I will see to it that I get it- the audition takes place the beginning of next month. I have plenty of time to prepare and be the best Ophelia that I can be.

Problems

Don’t tell God how big your problem is.  Tell your problem how big your God is.

Lunar Eclipse

The lunar eclipse yesterday (December 10, 2011) reminded me of the time in India when the women in my family gathered to pray for a few hours- it is supposed to be a time of change and transformation.

This lunar eclipse is supposed to affect Geminis and Sagittarius- my mother is a Sagittarius, while my brother and the man I am in love with are Geminis. My brother just left for a skiing trip to Mammoth two hours ago. I wish I had the time to hug him today- I haven't hugged him in over two weeks now, and I won't see him this weekend either- maybe next weekend, I will get to spend some time with him. It is my mother's birthday today, so I prayed for her happiness and good health.

As for the man I love, I hope he is well and happy. I hope the changes that do take place in his life are positive. I hope that I make him as joyful as (or even more joyful than) he makes me.  

Rumi

I love Rumi's work so much- he inspires me to look within people's soul to find love and to heal every problem in my life with love. His mysticism, his faith in the power of love and his way of connecting god with love are all invaluable gifts to humanity. Here's to a sufi fakir who brought me one step closer to true love and god.

The Blocked Road

I wish I knew what you wanted.
You block the road and won't give me rest.
You pull my lead-rope one way, then the other.
You act cold, my darling!
Do you hear what I say?

Will this night of talking ever end?
Why am I still embarrassed and timid about you?
You are thousands. You are one.
Quiet, but most articulate.

Your name is Spring.
Your name is wine.
Your name is the nausea
that comes from wine!

You are my doubting
and the lightpoints
in my eyes.

You are every image, and yet
I'm homesick for you.

Can I get there?
Where the deer pounces on the lion,
where the one I'm after's
after me?

This drum and these words keep pounding!
Let them both smash through their coverings
into silence.


-Rumi

To love

‎"To love is the most important thing in life. When you love someone because that person loves you in return, surely that is not love. To love is to have that extraordinary feeling of affection without asking anything in return. You may be very clever, you may pass all your examinations, get a doctorate and achieve a high position, but if you have not this sensitivity, this feeling of simple love, your heart will be empty and you will be miserable for the rest of your life." --- J. Krishnamurti

I can't stay upset

with the people I love. It's a weakness- but the ones I love are always truly special to me; they mean more to me than life itself. I hurt myself if I ever hurt them.

Yes, I'm the same girl who jokes, "I lost my reputation, but I never missed it." Sure, I'm flirtatious by nature and every man is like a notch on my bedpost- I dated a lot of people in the short amount of time that I was single, but when I love someone, I cannot bring myself to make love to someone other than this person. My heart just doesn't agree to it and I won't ever do anything that my heart refuses.

If you're reading this, know that I love you. A couple days ago, I had a hunch to ask you how you were- I didn't mean to bother you, but that moment, when I suddenly felt uncomfortable, I only wished that you were okay, no matter what you were doing or who you were with. I know your heartbeat and if I ever become blind, I'll know you by your voice and your touch. I'll know you through sensing you and through the joy that overcomes me with your sheer presence.

I also know that it's tough. But these are things that people before us have overcome- luckily, we're both blessed with good health and sound minds. I always seek to be bigger than our circumstances and stronger than our problems.

I wait for you, as I always have, not because I don't have a choice or because I'm weak, but because I know we belong with each other. I wanted to write to you today, but I wasn't sure if it bothers you to hear from me or if it makes things more complicated, so I stopped myself. Take care. You are missed.

Worth a Share

Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their sickbed -

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die.

Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.
I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
 
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

 We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and  relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' offamiliarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

How strong am I?

Let's just say, being a scorpio rising and leo sun, I can handle situations that others have to be medicated for.

I will always be the one

who risks it all- the nomad who loves for the sake of loving, who breaks all boundaries and loves beyond reason itself.

I'm in a driven mode

Feels like I have my old me back- with a renewed positivity and never take no for an answer attitude.

“Sorry, dude. Didn’t mean to lock you in!”

What could have been a day of frustration and non activity instead resulted in a day of inspiration and accomplishment.

Yesterday, at 10:30 AM, my roommate left our home with her two friends for Ojai. I declined to join them because, well, for one, I had this feeling that I am going to be sick during some part of the day and I did not want to drag the group down. Secondly, I knew that there was something at the Krishna temple that I wanted to attend in the middle of the day.

After I made acquaintance with her two friends, cut her birthday cake with them and bid them all goodbye, I rushed to the bathroom to shower and get ready for my temple visit. I was excited to partake in the ceremony in which they would chant the Bhagvad Gita in Sanskrit, an ancient Vedic language which is even older than Latin.

As I skipped joyfully down the ladders to the parking lot, I realized that my roommate’s car was parked behind mine- our Tandem parking structure often leads to such problems. My fear was echoed by her voice on the phone when I called her- “Eh, yeah, dude, crap, I have the keys. Sorry, didn’t mean to lock you in. Do you want me to come back and give them to you?” It was her birthday; moreover, I did not want to make her friend drive her back another 45 minutes. “No, don’t worry about it. Enjoy the trip and take care.” I answered calmly. Inwardly, I was annoyed and wished that she had had enough common sense and courtesy to keep a spare set.

No, I wasn’t going to miss my trip to see my Krishna. I needed to see him- Akin to Sudama, I need him to fulfill my one true desire. I have to get to him somehow, I thought to myself. I couldn’t walk- the ceremony had already started and I would surely be delayed heavily if I did that. “Why not take the bus?” I thought to myself. I’d almost never done that before in LA- except for a few random times. I ran to the computer and figured out the timings. I ran to the bus stop at 12:20. The bus arrived at 12:27 and by 1:00, after a quarter-mile walk, I was there at the Yagna at the temple.

Where there is a will, there is a way. I was able to get to where I needed to go- obstacles can't stop me when I really want something.

Never give up

on something you can't go a day without thinking about.

Life is an excellent teacher

Karma is the purpose behind living- when our Karma is over in this lifetime, our role as physical beings ceases to exist. Karma will make events happen over and over until we learn our lessons, as painful as that may sound. Yes, we wonder sometimes, "I am so good, then why are these bad things happening to me?" But then again, bad Karma may have been backlogged from years ago, or lifetimes ago.

What we can do is control our actions and thoughts today, so that we can neutralize any bad residual Karma and can potentially earn good Karma.

desires

One must not lose desires. They are mighty stimulants to creativeness, to love and to long life.

I'm just got married and I'm pregnant!

Overjoyed. The whole family is awaiting the little addition. I'm also doing so well in my acting career- just got nominated for an award for my work in a latest film. 

Most of all, I'm content with myself and I have no complaints from the world around me.

All of the above written words are things i want for myself. I want my heart to stop aching- it's been doing that for so long. I want my energy back. I want my peace and my happiness back, I want my courage and my strength back. I want it all back- I deserve it.

It's the weekend of Halloween.

I don't have any concrete plans yet. My friend yesterday told me that he is going out with two of his cousins and they're going to party in a rowdy way on the streets of Hollywood. A tinge of jealousy enters my mind, not because I want to be with that particular group of people, but because I want to party raucously too. All my friends are uppity or wannabe uppity people, who are not into the whole dive bar scene. I, on the other hand, do enjoy that very much. I am a tomboy- I want to walk around streets with my hands around the shoulders of my guy friends, stumbling drunkenly. All my life, people have taken me to be this responsible, dour person. I am so the opposite of that. I also wish my parents allowed me more freedom when I was a teenager- I'd have a more diverse group of friends that way. Once you grow older, you don't tend to make friends that easily- at least that's what it seems like. And every guy that I talk to somehow gets the idea of hooking up/ dating/ having sex with me. Argh, can't guys and girls be good friends and leave it at that?

Summarizing my whining for today- I wish I could party rowdily on the streets of hollywood tonight.

Story of the day

There's a wonderful story attributed to the Buddha-

Buddha was traveling in the company of several other people. One of the travelers begins to test Buddha by responding to anything he has to say with disparaging, insulting, hurtful remarks. Every day for the next three days, this traveler just verbally abuses Buddha, calling him a fool, arrogantly ridiculing him in any way he can.
Finally, after three days of this, the rude traveler can stand it no longer! He asks Buddha, "How can you continue to be so kind and loving when all I've done for the last three days is dishonor, offend and try to find ways to hurt you? Each time I try to hurt you, you respond in a kind manner? How can this be?!"
 
The Buddha responded with a question for his fellow traveler, "If someone offers you a gift, and you do not accept that gift, to whom does the gift belong?"

Swedish proverb

"Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and good things will be yours."

I love you.

My dear, I hope you are doing well and smiling.

Gandhi's Birthday

Yesterday was Mahatma Gandhi's birthday. People like him are proof that there is still goodness in this world, just not fairness. Sure, he was not perfect- none of us are, we're human, after all- but he strove towards a goal that most believed would not be accomplished.

He fought for India Independence. He made some decisions that many people would not agree with - some still blame him for agreeing to the division of India and Pakistan. As a leader, you always have to make that choice- your people will never always be happy. But he genuinely did everything for his country and the rest of the world out of the goodness in his heart and a love for humanity. I find my eyes wet sometimes when I think about the way he was shot and how he left this world. His final words were Hey Ram- remembering god. Yes, he loved god and lived a life that inspired millions. Then, he was killed. I know that god has plans, but he went too soon.

God bless his soul. 

Garba Time!

Had a lot of fun Garba-ing tonight. Some fun memories-

Heart Shaped Glasses

A cool little video- the chemistry between Manson and Evan Rachel wood is crazily intense.

One needs balls

to fall in love and commit to that choice. It's easy to fall in love and be flimsy with your actions. It's easy to not commit and to not make a decision or a stand or a choice. All of that requires no effort.

Real men fall in love and make choices- they fight for what they believe in.

Once I commit to something, nothing can make me budge from it, not even my own mind. That makes me a real man.

Somewhere in the world tonight

Someone's falling in love for the first time.

Everything's alright.

Nostalgia

The flood of tears from my eyes waters my dreams away
The flood of tears from my eyes wets my pillow, dripping from the corner of my eyes
The flood of tears falling from my eyes inflicts wounds upon my heart

Say hello to my new friends- these dark, lonely nights.
I seem to have lost my way- nothing in this path is mine anymore

Every moment, every minute, is a torture that I bear
Every moment, every minute, I find myself saying,

I've forgotten you, right? Then why do your memories still bring tears to my eyes?

Whenever my mind recounts the countless stories belonging to us that my heart wrote,

Those very moments haunt me and ask about the reason for this separation,

Dear lord, if this is your decision, then I must abide by it, your will is final..

I was only there with you for a few good moments, and then our path separated us so,

that I started losing myself and began separating from my own soul

Pray for me, dear heart, save me from this pain.

Despite being with you, I could never be yours, and I say to myself- I've forgotten you, right? Then why do your memories well my eyes with tears?

Guts vs Balls

Haha! Oh, this one's too good to not share-


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

Diamonds

A kiss on the hand may be Quite Continental,

But Diamonds are a girls' best friend.

A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat,

Or help you feed your hungry pussycat.

Men grow cold as girls grow old, and we all lose our charms in the end.

But square-cut or pear-shaped, these rocks don't lose their shape.

Diamonds are a girl's best friends!

Some sexy ads

This may be one of the sexiest ads ever, followed by this one (the second ad is better, but Kiera Knightley is way too skinny to be sexy)

I forgive

The tears I shed, I forgive.
The suffering and disappointments, I forgive.
The betrayals and lies, I forgive.
The world with all its evil, I forgive.
The punches that were given, I forgive.
The shattered dreams, I forgive.
The dead hopes, I forgive.
The disaffection and jealousy, I forgive.
The indifference and ill will, I forgive.
The injustice in the name of justice, I forgive.
The anger and mistreatment, I forgive.
The neglect and oblivion, I forgive.

Grief and resentment, I replace with understanding and agreement.
Revolt, I replace with music that comes from my violin.
Pain I replace with oblivion.
Revenge, I replace with victory.
I will be able to love above all discontentment.
To give even when I am stripped of everything.
To work happily even when I find myself in the midst of all obstacles.
To dry tears even when I am still crying.
To believe even when I am discredited.

-Paulo Coelho

This is exactly what I needed- especially because yesterday, my resentment was eating me up from my inside the lining of my stomach, regurgitating acid down my esohpagus- yes, the reaction of bitterness in my psyche is that pronounced in my body. I needed to let go of my anger and release it. I did- and the whole world feels so much lovelier now.

Dating a Lion.

‎"If you are dating a Leo, or interested in one, note that despite all the posturing and chest puffing, that when a Leo loves you, it is true. Leos can be very good-natured and if they take a liking to you they will put everything they have into it. It is at this point that they are most vulnerable and can be taken advantage of. So don't use their love against them or you may find yourself on the sticky side of some very uncomfortable flypaper."

 God Bless the Lion- the king of the jungle, and yes, they deserve it. 

I am a Leo myself- if I say that I love you, know that my word is gold. Many people fall in love with a lioness- and with good cause. Leo rules the heart according to the zodiac. She's sexy, confident, and warmer than most. Just don't piss her off, okay? She can slap. Oh man, can she deliver tight, hurtful slaps when provoked. You won't even see it coming, it'll be so sudden, but you'll damn well remember it long after it's over.

People are happier

in India, parts of Latin America, parts of Africa- than they are here in America or the Western Hemisphere. Considering the fact that countries are impoverished, or at least not as well of as their richer counterparts, it is amazing that people can find ways to be happy.

You can be happy in whatever state life puts you in. I feel happier today, even though I have less money, than I did when I was working that corporate job in Downtown. Sure, I feel worried sometimes, but those moments are far and few between. I feel at peace with myself more. I feel like I know myself better today. And that makes me happy. I relate better with people- because I'm a happier person myself.

I changed completely since I quit that job. My older coworkers tell me that I went through a total transformation. Sure, I did. I bloomed like a flower. I slimmed down. I became more confident, more outgoing. I became more beautiful because I started to eat healthier and my skin now glows. I am a happy person- and I now resolve to carry over this sense of peace to an acting career. I want it all. I want to give my thank you speech during the oscars, with a baby in my oven, my husband watching from the chairs, blowing me kisses as I thank my family, friends, him, my director/ producer/ film teach, the storywriters, co-stars, and Krishna. I will always thank Krishna for making my dreams come true. I want respect because I deserve it- and I start by respecting myself more. I start by loving myself- I am worthy of it. Every bit of me- even my ugly toes.

The Girlfriend type

I don't know what this means- but I've dated 7 guys in the last year without ending up as a girlfriend to any of them. Two of them found other girls right under my nose. One of them, a scorpio, ended up becoming a cool buddy who I occasionally hang out with at Yogurtland. The other two, I told that I am not interested. One of them just was a wuss. 

What does that say about me? I am not exactly girlfriend material...why? I do not know. It is ironic- the person who can probably love more passionately than most is not girlfriend material because she is too intense, too fiery, too deep. Love is for the strong, but I guess men like more subdued, more aloof, cooler girls. Maybe it has to do with the way I look- perhaps men think that the blond haired, light eyed types makes better girlfriends than the bony brunettes. Perhaps I suck in bed. I don't know why I'm not girlfriend material, but the thought that I am not cut out to be someone's girlfriend makes me curl up my lip in a sardonic grin. Such is life.

I'm relatively easy on the eyes- I have a relatively pure heart and a relatively passionate mindset. I should be a package. Really. Ha. Such is life.

I messed up

Sometimes, I am very hard on myself and those I love- because whatever I consider my own, I can afford to be brutally honest with. Or so I thought. I created a situation where the person I love now thinks that we should part because he is not able to give me whatever I deserve.

I have lost a lot in the past couple of years and I've seen many, many setbacks. Yes, life goes on, but I live for love. It is oxygen to me- and because I found someone I love and he loves me too- I have this constant desire to make things perfect for both of us. And this nitpicking cost me- it cost me a lot of heartache and struggle. I want to keep trying- I want to be my best for myself and this person. I want to grow in love. I want to visit foreign lands with this person's hand in mine, take him to places that only I know of- I want to make this person smile when I wake up beside them in the morning, I want to see them enjoying a meal that I cook for them.

I made a mistake. Please forgive me- I am human- I will not let this happen again, and I promise to be more sensitive to this situation. God, please, just be on my side this time- I am sincere in my love for this person and I honestly miss him, as I type this with tears welling up in my eyes. I did not mean to hurt anyone. Don't make me pay a price for loving someone truly.

Yes, I have loved before, but never like this.

It was a winter day

It was a winter day, when you promised to take me to see dolphins. I smiled and agreed to make love to you.

The winter passed, Spring escaped, now summer too is saying goodbye. You never came, nor did the dolphins, and my heart broke in a hundred pieces.

Do let me know

I sometimes feel like you don't like to be around me. I feel like I am the only one who cares about preserving our friendship/ whatever you want to call it. You always want to rush, always want to leave, and I know that you're a busy person, so I try to understand. You do not have time to go to the beach once with me- I practically have to beg you. I humiliate myself every time, as I wait, and you say that you gotta leave or you cant even show up. You say you don't have much of a relationship with the other person, but you take trips with her- outside trips, that take up days of your time. Who am I to judge? I don't judge here, I just try to look at it clearly.

You say that you don't like to see me because I confuse you. If I do, I understand, but you can't really be confused about someone and love them at the same time, can you? You either like them, or you don't. If you love them, that desire to want to reach out to them should come from within, no? I should not have to ask you. In the times that you do come by, and I enjoy spending time with you, it's great- the things you say leave me feeling like you think of bestowing me with your presence as a huge favor. Yes, you're an important person. I know. But does that make the person standing in front of you any less so?

If I'm really that unpleasant to spend time with, do let me know. Honesty is a trait that I always appreciate in people. That was my first impression of you, that this is an honest person.

Do correct me if I'm wrong. I don't want to hold anything inside of me anymore. What if due to some freak accident I die and I never get to say these things? Please write back.

blind vs visionless

Helen Keller was once asked, is there anything worse than being blind? She replied, Yes. The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but no vision.

Thanks dad

My dad taught me to always do the right thing, no matter how difficult or unpleasant the path may be- Thank you, dad

Act of faith

I needed to live and to suffer a lot to understand that love is an act of faith

 -Paulo Coelho

Je suis un homme.

I won't lie, sometimes it feels like all the world's injustices and odds are lined up against one person- and his name happens to be Shreya.

It's alright- I can take much more than others. Or maybe I just say that to justify my circumstances. Either way, it's a thought that makes me feel better. When I was born, my grandmother was hoping (like almost everyone else from my culture hopes) that it was a boy. Well, I am a man. I am a man, all right. I take more than a man could ever take. I am more like my father than my mother- even he begrudgingly accepts that fact. Most of the time, I speak softly, smile a lovely smile, but when provoked, I will fight back. Make no mistake- I am stubborn, I want what I want, and I will get it. I do not really need anyone to take care of me- I've demonstrated that much to myself.

Throughout my life, I've seen my father battle circumstances, countless injuries (important men in my life always get into a lot of accidents), and just plain bad luck. I grew up the day my father said to me, "Always be good to your mother and brother if I go", the day after the doctors fucked up his knee operation and cut the wrong artery. I was 10.

I hope that when I have a baby, the father always remains with us. As much of a man as I may be, I would want my child to have a father who is there, who is a part of his life, who takes him out to camping trips, football games, the beach. If it's a girl, the relationship would probably be even more special. I hope that the father holds her and means it when he says, "I'll always be there for you, sweetie."

"I Quit"

She called in the second day and quit. She stated that this position is too complex and that she is not sure whether she can handle it.

I understand her reasons. It just means that I have to train another person who they have not even found yet. True, managing this office is not easy. I do a decent job- if only my boss understood how to treat an employee better, I'd consider staying.

When?

When did I become this way?

"Dude, Jhalu, figure it out!" My buddy Minoti yells at me, telling me that I'm wasting away my golden years and my potential. She is convinced that I am on some drug. I'm not, really- I avoid drinking, I avoid smoking, I do not touch hard drugs- a few experiences were enough to keep me off those. An addictive personality plus hard drugs can only result in total disaster.

I sleep a lot for the past few months- I eat little, sleep a lot, and when I wake up, I regret that I wasted time. The cycle repeats itself the next day. I used to be so good at motivating myself- I finished college in less than 3 years. I packed up my bags in a bad economy and moved to this city.

I sleep because sometimes life seems like a nightmare, and when I sleep, I am amidst my dreams, which shift me to an alternate reality. In a parallel universe, I wouldn't feel so suffocated. I wouldn't feel trapped. I dream of diving head on into the ocean- into water so deep, clear, and still that it would soothe me and I would never have to pick up another cigarette to calm my nerves. I believe that everything will work out- but for the time being, my mind longs for some clarity- a touch from Krishna would help maybe?

Musings

I am not bothered by nudity. In fact, during the times when I have worn skimpy clothes, I feel perfectly at home in them.

When I went to buy samosas the other day, I was wearing a minidress with no bra (it was too warm to wear a bra that day), but nobody could see anything- my dress was dark brown. If I were to have it my way, wearing a bra would be strictly optional- but no such luck here- I am rather well endowed and this is America- nipples and nudity are not okay- but violence is totally cool.

After I parked my car, I had to pass through the Krishna temple to reach the Indian "Cantina" to buy the samosas. One Indian lady who goes to the temple everyday and thus knows me, is sitting outside with her rosary. She sees my dress, makes a gesture that my dress is inappropriately short and shakes her head in disapproval. I know she means well- and I won't take offense- everybody is entitled to an opinion. Earlier that day, my friend A, who took me out to a belated birthday lunch yelled "Oh my god! I didn't realize that your dress is so sheer in light! If I look carefully, I can see your underwear! Are you even wearing one?". The restaurant was so small that the waiters heard it, because they stared for a second, and then, embarrassed, looked down. Yes, even I didn't realize that my dress was so sheer. But I don't understand what the big deal is- haven't you ever seen an outline of women's legs before?

I also know that me wearing a short dress does not make me dirty- men who look at me in a perverted manner are the dirty ones. The fault lies in their eyes, not the nakedness of my skin.

Hunter S. Thompson- quote of the day

In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.

Desperado

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow
Don' you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of heats is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late

She will be loved

Tap on my window, knock on my door. I want to make you feel beautiful.

I fell in love with this video when I first saw it, and it still wrenches my heart. Adam Levine's eyes are magnetic.

Things I would do with money-

If I was rich today, here is the list of things that I would have acquired with my money (besides donating to charity and humanitarian causes)-

1.) Education- I would have liked to go to Fashion school in Paris and then opened my own design house in Los Angeles and New York and Mumbai. It would have been badass- I have a sense of fabric, textures, cuts, colors, clothing and overall fashion. I would have made a fine designer.

2.) Connections- I would have loved to use my status as a social network builder- to attend events which would allow me to meet and work with the best.

3.) A lovely home- I would have purchased and designed my own home. If I had to pick a style, I would design my home in a chateau-esque style if I had a large home. For a smaller apartment/ condo, something a little more Venetian would do. I also often dream about a large log cabin- it was my childhood dream to live in one. This one's probably doable without a lot of money.

4.) Traveling- I would spend a lot of money traveling to places I always dream about visiting. The thought of roaming around Europe and South America without worrying about running out of dough is lovely.

5.) Cars- I would spend of cars. Not many people know this about me, but I love classic as well as sports cars. I'd keep a few in my garage.


6.) Food- Everyone who knows me know that I love food. I would spend of fine dining and treat my friends and family to the best. Enjoying dinner and drinks with friends makes me very happy. I love it!

All of the above, money can buy. But it cannot buy class or looks or love. I am happy that I have these things, even if I'm not wealthy.

I love him

I love him- and all of his traits. All his qualities, as well as all the things that make me tick. When he was setting up my bed the other day, as I saw the skin on his hands become pink as he disassembled the parts, I felt upset. It hurts to see him hurt. I ran out to get him some Samosas and I'm glad he enjoyed having them. I wanted to be in his arms for a little longer and fall asleep with my head on his chest. I miss his scent, his beard, his whiskey brown eyes, his sweet, although full of air, words. I miss the way he kisses- for me, nobody else's kisses even come close.

The sight of him takes my breath away- it doesn't matter if he's covered in grease or sweat. I painfully miss his lovemaking.

No, I can't write as well as Mr. Writer, but I mean every word when I say "I love you".

I am really a whore.

Those words rang in my head as he said to me, nervously, "Please, can you drop me off near my home, I don't want there to be any problems."

Those words stung my ears and it felt as if I had been slapped hard across my face. Tears stung my eyes but I hid them behind a mask of anger. I felt humiliated, hurt, trashed- all those things- on the night of my birthday. It took all of my resolve to not break down on that downtown street that fateful night. I wanted to drop my beloved home so that he would not have to take the bus home at 1:00 am. I swear on my goodness, that was my only motivation.

I always want good things for this person- in terms of his career, his life, his family, his feelings, everything. Even when he pushed me out of his life mercilessly, I wished him well. I wished him well when he lied to me. I wished him well when he broke countless promises that he made to me. I wished him well as I came to a painful realization that he treated random women he met on his nightly adventures better than he ever treated someone who truly cares for him. I place last on his priority list, yet, I don't complain much because I understand that love is not always in a balance from both sides.

As I wait for him to resolve his financial situation, I try not to get upset. I felt like a whore on the night of my birthday. Maybe I am a whore- but I have a good, honest heart and nothing can change that- not even being a whore.

The perfect lovers

Shiva and Parvati are the embodiment of perfect harmony in the union of love- She prays for a hundred years to obtain his love as he is an renunciant himself. Parvati is described as beautiful with full, high breasts, a wasp waist and ample hips. Her gait is languorous and sensual. Here are a few portrayals of the goddess-

When she does finally marry her Shiva, their joy knows no bound. Here is a still of a cave relief portraying their wedding-

Notice how blissfully unaware he seems of the presence of the gods around him during the ceremony and how rightfully he grasps her hand. How she blushes at his public show of affection. I was lucky enough to see this cave relief when I was only 10- and the tour guide remarked, "Shiva Parvati were the original rebels- the ones who broke all the rules, fell deeply in love and got married." Indeed, Shiva would be a "Shava", a Sanskrit word that means "dead" without his Shakti (energy) Parvati.

They make the perfect household- and yet, their union is unabashedly amorous. Here, he is cupping her breast as she coyly wraps her arm around his shoulder-

Our Parvati is no weeping willow- she is her husband's equal- and even more powerful than him in some instances. When the gods came across a demon who could not be killed by a man, she turns into a warrior goddess and defeats him, thus saving humankind and gods from a horrific fate. She is ethereal, feminine, and motherly. She is also Shiva's equal in knowledge and spirituality. They argue, she leaves, fuming, he dances to seduce her back. They play this game of fight- then make up. Yet, she is soft and delicate, often turning to her husband for support, as in this instance-

Here, the demon Ravana lifts up their seat. Parvati, afraid, grasps at her husband's thigh, as he holds her waist with one hand to comfort her. She gazes at him, her head slightly turned towards him, expecting his protection. He stabilizes their seat by balancing on his right leg's toes.

Parvati and Shiva are so confident in their own sexuality that they join together and become one body- "Ardhanarishvara", which literally translates to "half woman god"- something so beautiful, so unique that every other form of love that I've seen on this earth pales in comparison. Here's to the perfect family of perfect gods who continue to inspire me everyday.

When you know

When do you know that you've fallen in love with someone? What does it mean?

If you're reading this, I'd like to know your answer.

I knew that I fell in love with that person when I could visualize walking to the ends of earth and back with him. When I knew that I would like to take care of this person- in sickness and in health. When I realized that it does not matter whether his hair grays or his back slouches due to old age, I would still look forward to eating dinners with him and talking with him about the countless things that we talk about- from literature to mathematics to spirituality to music. When I felt that his breath is music to my ears. When my mornings became empty without his fingers wrapped around mine.

To me, his happiness is of utmost importance- that is what it means to love. It does not matter whether he feels love for me with the same intensity- we all love differently. But this is how I love.

The dreamer

As the twelfth and last sign of the zodiac, Pisces contains within itself a little experience of all the signs. This gives Pisces Suns the ability to identify with people from all walks of life—from all backgrounds—in some way. These individuals are not only changeable and adaptable, they have open minds and tremendous understanding. But Pisces itself is often misunderstood. Pisces Suns may spend a good portion of their lives yearning for understanding, and the other part in a state of divine discontent. Suffering is sometimes glamorized in the Piscean world.
Sun in Pisces people are frequently pegged as wishy-washy, but this is all a matter of opinion. What you will find behind a vaguely directionless, spacey manner is a deep person with real dreams. Their dreams are more than getting that picket fence or making it up the corporate ladder. Pisces are tuned in to a higher purpose and their dreams transcend the individual. A deep love for humanity, and compassion that knows no bounds is found with this placement of the Sun.
Pisceans are not known to be cutthroat business types, nor are they given to throwing themselves out into the world in an aggressive manner. But make no mistake about it, Pisces can be extraordinarily successful when given the chance to express themselves. The arts, marketing, music, teaching, drama, healing arts...these are all fields in which Pisces can find expression. Their imagination, attunement to humanity, and remarkable intuition endow them with enviable gifts of insight and creativity.
Pisces is a sensitive sign—both sensitive to criticism and sensitive to others' feelings. Easily touched by human suffering, at least in theory, Pisces wouldn't hurt a fly. They believe in people, are deeply hurt by compassionless human behavior, and have a hard time saying no. Harsh realities are avoided either through escapist behavior or self-delusion; but every now and again reality does raise its ugly head, and hits Pisces over the head. This is a sad time indeed. Pisces retreats into their own world, self-pitying and giving pep talks to themselves ("I will never trust again!"). Rest assured, though, that these periods are rather short-lived and even useful. Pisces seems to derive energy from their (generally short) bouts of self-pity. They come back stronger, with a spring in their step, ready to face the world again, and just as, if not more, compassionate and trusting as they were before. Some might even wonder if Pisces finds pleasure in suffering. Sometimes this is the case, but most of the time, Pisces pulls a lot of creative energy from sadness. Pisces is the poet or artist with angst, although this trait is often more apparent with Moon in Pisces.
Some find Pisces' tendency to be late for appointments, spaced out behavior, and absent-mindedness amount to irresponsibility. Pisces would be shocked to know this, however. Who me? Pisces wonders. Irresponsible? Pisces Suns absolutely care—their love knows no bounds—but their retreats from ordinary life (whether they are as simple as daydreams or actual departures) that they so seem to need every now and again are not always understandable to no-nonsense signs, such as Virgo or Aries.
Many Pisces seem almost allergic to things like shopping lists, maps, directions, and instructions, and for some brave souls, even watches — they prefer to feel their way through life than to follow some plan.

Source: http://www.cafeastrology.com/zodiacpisces.html

Handsome writers

Not only did they write well, they also looked amazing doing it!

                  If I was alive during his time, I would so have a tryst with Byron.

                                         
His strong jawline and intense eyes scream hot blooded masculinity. Oh, I would cater to every one of Hemingway's whims.

Whatever you call it

Call it arrogance, false pride, egoism- whatever you will, but I feel that I am built differently than the rest. Now, many may argue, but S, "you're unique, just like everyone else" and laugh at that old, overused joke. But really, knowing myself, I can claim that I truly am different.

I'm not saying that it's good or bad to be this way- all I mean to say is that god broke the mold once he made me- you can never find anyone like me. I am a rather odd combination of things- something that I really had to struggle with as a child and a teenager. I'm sardonic yet idealistic. Romantic yet cynical. Adventurous yet wholesome.

That's why it annoys me whenever someone tries to use the same line that they've used on hundreds of other women on me, or whenever someone tries to generalize me, or take me to a "run of the mill" date because they've only seen the sweet side of me. I hunger for adventure- when people hear of my easy upbringing, they forget that I did spend my first dozen years on this planet in a third world country. That probably has a lot to do with my contradictions. For fuck's sake- please don't be boring with me- do something a little intense, a little wacky, a little out of the way- and you will pique my interest. But that's the problem, right- even the biggest Tomcats will act like good little schoolboys with you if you are a good girl because that's what it takes (in their minds) to get some from a good girl.

Take me to long walks on gritty urban sidewalks, let me swig out of your Whiskey bottle, don't let the fact that I have three tattoos- or the fact that I got them all on the same day- surprise you. Jump on a bus with me as we look to get to our planned destination. Let's change our plans the last minute and just stop by at a dive bar where we can talk about poets and literature and the awesomeness of Mad Men. Let us eat out of trucks carts. Then, let's hop out when the bar is closing, I'll pull you into a dark alley, you can lift up my leather skirt and fuck me. Let's go check into a motel nearby if we're too tipsy to walk.

Plan something with me that you have not done with another girl. That would indeed be a date to remember. 

A big roller coaster ride

As I sat on that roller coaster ride at Busch Gardens with my brother, and the ride took dips and turns and 180s and loops- I shut my eyes and realize that I can visualize a splash of vivid colors.That's what life is- you have to close your eyes sometimes and enjoy the ride.

Hey, my neighbor is, right now, at this moment. Loud moaning sounds are emanating from his bedroom. Lucky dog.

What does it mean

What does it mean when someone falls in love with you when you're not in their life? I am still trying to figure that one out.

When you give the time of their life to them in every sense- in bed, by being a good friend, by planning special evenings with them- they turn around and tell you that they love someone else. That you two aren't right for each other, and that they are looking for something else- sex and warmth with a lot of different people, and since you're not looking for the same, maybe you should just stop seeing each other (in other words, get the fuck out from my sight. I'll see you when I feel like it"). The next moment, they proceed to tell you, "Oh, by the way, I do want a committed relationship. But not with you, with my ex. We've already decided that for ourselves. This is so good for me- falling in love. After all, 'All you need it love, pa pa pa pa pa'"

Then, months later, they come back to you, telling you that they have fallen in love with you. How do you comprehend this? Should one not have sex in order to save a relationship? Not show care? Go away and become frigid?

I wonder how I took all that. My best friends, my sisters, though not in blood, but in spirit, are appalled when I tell them this fact, and ask me how I've restrained myself from delivering a tight slap across this man's face. But the funny thing is, I never wanted to hurt this person, despite everything that's gone wrong. I want to take a dagger and slip it into my own stomach sometimes to prevent the bile from rising to my esophagus everytime I think about what happened. The level of dishonesty and the number of lies told makes me sick, but I deal with it better everyday. I'm at a calm understanding of things now.I love again, every morning, with a new freshness, but the same naivete.