Biking

I haven't biked in some time now- I learned how to ride a bike when I was 13 because my dad was so protective of me that he would not let me learn it until I actually needed it. Yes, I did need it for going to high school- since he did not want to wake up at seven am to drop me, he taught me how to ride it a week before freshman year began. I caught on pretty fast, and although it led to me falling down and fracturing my right wrist eventually, I have fond memories of riding a bicycle. I want to ride Arroyo Seco in Highland Park/ Pasadena area sometime- the area is so beautiful and so unlike the westside.

Perhaps someday, I'll ride this lovely trail.

Why I don't like threesomes

I'm a pretty open-minded person, as far as trying out different things is concerned, but I know that I have no liking towards certain things. A Menage a trois is one of them.

Now,to be clear, I love without any preference towards gender, and I've loved women before. I fall in love with the person, not their gender. Of course, I've loved more men in my life than women.

Threesomes would be difficult for me because my attention is 100% on the person in front of me at any given time- that's just how I am! That applies in bed as well- be it a man or a woman, I am focused on my lover. I relish the experience, the concentration. I want to give my 100% in that moment to him or her- I want to delve myself completely in the act. I do not care to have a third person involved. Some people know that threesomes are not for them- I'm one of them.

I don't really mind as much if a third person is watching...but we'll save that for another blog entry.

If you love

two people at the same time choose the second one because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second.
-Johnny Depp

365 days of celibacy

Today marks 365 days of celibacy for me. It's been a full year since anyone made love to me. He left a part of himself in me that night for the first time- how ironic. Life is such a practical joke sometime, and even though the whole cycle makes a lot of sense now, it was a painful to think then that after we engaged in such an intimate act, he felt the need to push me away. To think that he is the first and only man who I shared this experience with. To realize, after attempting to date other men after this, that I would not be able to love them the way they deserve to be loved. To run away from the bed of another man whom I attempted to date last summer, apologizing that I could not be intimate with him- or with anyone else.

Life is so funny sometimes. I had an amazing connection with my ex of five years- the physical chemistry between us was great too- good sex lasted for three years in that relationship.  However, our deteriorating relationship and disagreements had a negative effect on everything. Sex sucked from age 20 onwards- when most young girls enjoyed sex, I dreaded it. It felt like a chore- I no longer felt anything. I stopped being intimate with him at 21- he moved to a different state right before my 22nd birthday and that further blocked any physical connection. The break up (at 22) was a relief. I dated others, but nothing much came of it- I was not looking for a relationship at all. I wasn't even actively looking for a relationship with this person I love now. But things felt right. Pieces fit together because we are similar in several ways and I love the differences. I do not think that we will ever tire of each other- what else can I ask for? I jones sometimes for his voice, to inhale his scent. We shared amazing moments in the four months that we spent together, and I realize that in the last four years, I've had 4 months of amazing sex. As sad as that sounds, I feel like I've conquered my lust instead of letting it conquer me. Ash Wednesday is today- Lent's coming up- here's to 30 days of no alcohol!

Belle

Once upon a time, when I was still beautiful and not pockmarked, a musician I was dating then played me songs on his guitar. I loved it and he got to bed me for being so romantic. I came across this song today. It's played on a guitar and it's such a lovely song that it puts a smile on my face. 

Oi Lienda. Bella che fa? Bonita, Bonita que tal? But belle, je ne comprends pas francais. So you'll have to speak to me some other way.

Find your objective

Then follow it till the end. Identify conflicts- they make your monologue beautiful. There has to be enough drama for the audience to feel that they paid their money's worth. Create characters- remain in character, but don't play a quality.

Does your monologue have a beginning, a middle, and an end? You are talking to someone- imagine them reacting. React to them. Acting is reacting.

I want to play interesting, diverse characters. A drug addicted ingenue. A strong, silent-type. An unabashedly evil vamp. An elegant, refined gamine. A bohemian flower child. A girl uncomfortable with her own sexuality and beauty. A filthy prostitute.

I'm so hungry, so so hungry for learning.

Live here, die here

Where else can one go?

Call out to me whenever you heart desires,

I'll be there where I always was

These songs of mine, the music of my life, 

will be sung by someone else tomorrow

The world will laugh as the clown

returns with a different face
Heaven is here, and so is Hell
Where else can I go?

In tomorrow's game, whether I remain or not,
The stars will forever be in the sky
You may forget, and so will they
But I will forever be yours
My memories will remain here
Where else can they go?

As I was attempting to cross the street outside a friends' home in the USC Area,

a car screeched to a halt before almost hitting me- I was in shock for the next few minutes. The streets around the Adams area are often poorly lit, so the car driver probably did not see me. He had no business driving on residential streets at that speed. If my reflexes had not been quick, I would have surely been in the hospital, either severely injured or dead. I live- Thank you.

Love is the strongest force

The story goes that Krishna made a vow to not pick up a weapon in the epic battle of Mahabharata- both sides were his cousins and he gave the opposing side his army, while he became a charioteer for his favorite disciple, Arjuna. At a critical point on the battlefield, Arjuna had to fight his own great grandfather, Bhishma Pitamaha. Bhishma Pitamaha was an superior warrior (even better than Arjuna); moreover, Arjuna staggered due to sheer respect for him.

Seeing his disciple in trouble, Krishna jumped out of the chariot, picked up a weapon and charged towards Bhishma Pitamaha, with Arjuna clutching his feet, begging him to not break his promise. His love towards his ardent devotee caused him to go back on his own words. If love can inspire god to break his own promise, then love has to be stronger than any entanglements of this material world, no doubt.

Am I a fool?

I just cannot seem to get with the program. I keep getting hurt but I cannot change the way I am. What can I do differently? I know of a hundred things, but implementing them is another story. I don't know know how to be a more guarded person. Yes, I don't have the energy left anymore to connect with others much, I am drained, but inherently, I trust people. I always give people benefit of the doubt and that doesn't change, because if I changed that, then I would not be Shreya.

What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't fall in love with someone I can live with. No, I fall in love with someone I can't live without.

I feel lucky

Today is one of those lucky days for me. I decide to make a visit the meditation center in Montebello with Mr. Shukla and his family. His daughter has prepared dinner for me, but today is one of my fasting days. Mr. Shukla sounds impressed, but shows his concern and asks her to get me apple juice. As I thank him, he takes my face in his hands, and says, "Kiddo, I've fed your father when he was in diapers, so don't even attempt keep things formal with me. You and your dad...your "thank yous" and "sorries" never end." Later on, he feeds me some sweets in the car (we are allowed to eat sweets for this fast) and asks me if I would like to go the Lake Shrine with him. Sure, we'll go Saturday, we decide. He tells me that the swans in the Lake Shrine are considered to be very lucky. I promise to take a better photo of the swan pair next time.

When we finally get to the center, we meditate and pray for a good hour. Mr. Shukla fills a plate with food and puts it in my hands- "the day is over. You are allowed to break your fast at this hour" The meal is delicious- we eat together and he mentions how close he is to my family. He talks to me about my great grandmother, who we all call "Bai" out of sheer respect. She passed away when I was 4, but I have fuzzy memories of her- her porcelain skin, light brown hair, green eyes, sweet yet bossy nature. She was very attached to me and would take me out with her whenever she had the chance. I recall, when I was 3, she dressed me up in a long magenta skirt and took me to a fair where I danced to the beat of her clapping hands, my curls bouncing and a mischievous smile playing on my lips. "Bai was wonderful and she would ask me to accompany her to all her favorite spiritual hangouts" Shuklaji mentions. This man reminds me of my grandfather. He will be going back in a few weeks and I will miss these conversations with him. His daughter's family is set to move to Chicago in June- I wish for more friends like these who care for me so much and who know my family so deeply.

What life is all about

To offer yourself to someone for smiles,
To loan someone's griefs for a while,
To hold love for someone in your heart,
This is precisely what life is all about.

Granted, I am poor, by the standard of my pockets.
Even so, I am rich at heart .

Perishing for love that is Life,
Craving for spring that is life,
This I believe, though others may not,
That this is precisely what life is all about.

Relationship of trust between two hearts is beautiful
Love itself lives on because of it

Even when I pass, I will live in someone's memories,
That I will smile on through someone's tears,
So says every flower to its bud-
This is precisely what life is all about

Just this once,

I am terrified- I have good reason to be.

I walk outside and bile moves up my esophagus as I try to not think about it. No two fingers are the same in our own hands. No two people are the same. I feel like I do not have much left to be attached to, and this detached outlook scares me sometimes. I try to find a balance between need and wants; material and spiritual; selfishness and genuine desire. It's a difficult process- I am not even sure how to cope with it at 24. I get this odd feeling feeling that I'll only live till I'm 50, so I'm probably "middle aged" as far as my timeline is concerned, but I still have the body of a 24 year old, the face of a 20 year old, and the childlike smile of a 5 year old.

Mostly, I feel overwhelmed by the nothingness of it all, because in the end, everything is exactly that- nothing.

I love watching a graceful person dance

She embodies grace. Aishwarya Rai, India's answer to Helen of Troy.

It was a gust of wind

that twisted the painting on this wall askew

Last monsoon, the walls were not damp like this

Who knows why damp has seeped into them this time

and cracks have appeared in them

The droplets fall like wet tears flow down dry cheeks

Heavy clouds give way to Monsoon, 

making flowers bloom,

But you did not come, my dark handsome lover

Leaving my courtyard deserted

The rain whispers on the edge of the roof

she used to write messages with her finger on the glass windows of my home

But now she lives in isolation, sitting behind closed blinds 

The afternoons appear to me like empty chessboards without pawns...

there is no one to play the game, and there is no one to make a move 

Your own heart sheds tears of separation,

creating your own river which you bathe in a hundred times

And it seems like your bath is never ending

White I wait, my hair remains brittle; my appearance unkempt

and my heart lifeless....

Now neither day nor night arrives, everything is on a standstill

Was it a gust of wind that twisted the painting on the wall askew?

My beloved, what is this pride of yours?

It is Taso's birthday tomorrow

I haven't said hello to him in a while, but I am sending him a birthday card.

A Happy Birthday to my Greek friend!

"Your daughter is a doll."

Mr. Shukla says to my father. Mr. Shukla, the same man with the intense hazel eyes and the tobacco stained teeth. I reach their residence at 1:30, minutes after my parents. S Burnside Avenue- something about this street makes me uncomfortable as I drive along- it's as if it's a reminder of something unpleasant. But it's the first time that I've been on this street, so what could it be? A previous event that took place here related to some enemy? I don't know. It sure feels like it.

I enter their home and the energy changes. Mr. Shukla holds my head, saying, "My kiddo Shreya , I was waiting to chat with you! Why didn't you arrive earlier?" We start with the amazing delicacies that his daughter had very kindly prepared for us- a mouthwatering array of sweets and spicy fritters. Mr. Shukla periodically throws some in my plate (In India, people don't believe in letting someone's plate remain empty. "Eat, why are you so thin? Come on, stop talking and eat!"). After an hour or so, lunch is served. My mouth waters at the sight of seven different dishes that the lady has painstakingly prepared. Moreover, these dishes are local to the city that I grew up in, so naturally, I am pleased. As we chit chat over lunch, she describes to me the miracles that she has seen happen with her own friends and family through their belief in the meditation center that she was describing last week- it is about faith, ultimately. You have to want something and then believe that it will be granted to you. I thank her for sharing this with me- I meditate anyway, so why not try this? I tell her that I will join her next Thursday when she goes. The Sufi Fakir saint who founded this group is renowned in India and around the world.

Mr. Shukla continues to joke with me about his friendship with my family and how far back it goes. I ask him if he is a Scorpio. He replies, "Yes! I was born November so-and-so". I know a Scorpio when a see one- I guess I'm sharp at certain things. He proceeds to show us the altar that he has for all his spiritual advisors and dieties. I tell them about a Temple that I attend in Laguna Beach, where they pray both Indian Goddesses and Mother Mary, because, ultimately, they are "mothers", even if the religions are different. Impressed by this concept, Mr. Shukla and his daughter remark that my understanding of spirituality is very deep.

Mr Shukla tells me father, "This child is lucky. She is lucky for you, and she is very lucky for any family that she will be a part of." I smile, thanking him for the compliments. He retorts, "I don't just say it for no reason, you really are a wonderful daughter to have."

"Don't you worry"

Would always be my dad's line. He'd say it to me whenever I would have any issues with car accidents, or a lost phone, or just plain old life. Of course, I'd hear a lecture about my carelessness, how money doesn't grow on trees, how I could have avoided this. But when he would see me getting increasingly worried, he would stop and put his hands on my hands, look into my eyes, and say, "kiddo, don't you worry. I got this" He always "got this". Papa, as I call him, had a solution to most problems. Even he turned his back on me for a couple of years as a form of punishment, we slowly bonded again once I moved out of their home.

Papa and dadaji (grandfather) were my two best friends. Papa would tell me stories when I was two- stories that helped me fall asleep. I had a difficult time sleeping as a child, but it was even more difficult when he would be out on business trips. I love to think that he can fix everything- I wish I could go to him right now, tell him my problems, and then just be reassured that it would be taken care of. I wish for impossible things sometimes. But then again, impossible is an opinion, not a fact.

My papa inspires me to be that person who loved ones could depend on whenever they need anything. I don't turn my back on people who need something from me.

Yes, I am willing to wait.

I have an understanding and I know that people face hardships and struggles and sometimes want to be left alone. I wish he would tell me what he wanted. It becomes so difficult for me to guess sometimes- he says he always loves me. People who love you at least communicate with you their feelings, don't they? Then why this guessing game?

I look for his eyes in others. I am familiar with his scent- the memories make my eyes well with sadness. I accept him just the way he is- his words, his way of saying those words, his tendency to not hold to commitments, his animated movements, the way he nuzzles his head between my chest, chirping "Shreya" like an excited child, the way he holds me tight when he wants to be comforted, his motorcycles, his hobbies, his writing. Whatever makes him happier- his higher good is very important to me. I never try to customize the man. If he is truly happier in someone else's arms or without me, I would be happy for him and smile with tears in my eyes. It is challenging, but I've done it before for him. I've left him whenever he asked me to go away. But I know that him and I belong together. Don't ask me how- it's the same way I knew that my uncle was not going to survive his treatment; the same way that I predicted our move to the United States; the same way that I predicted so many other thing that came to pass. I want to us both to be successful and fulfilled career wise and be in a more positive place in our lives. How many times do I have to walk through fire till I finally reach the shores?

When I was barely two,

I attended my great grandmother's fifth death anniversary memorial. While this whole ceremony was going on, I started wailing loudly, and didn't stop till the whole thing ended. My mother tells me that my grandfather then took me in his arms, kissed my forehead and said, " I believe that this is my mother, reincarnated." He was probably joking, but perhaps it is true. Perhaps we do come back to reconnect with our families, our loved ones. I am an "old soul"-I feel like I am in my forties sometimes. My eyes are full of understanding and a certain pain. My face reveals that I have been through a lot and my smiles are often full of sadness.

I'd like to come back as a bird after I die. I'd swoop in and take a dump on people who did me wrong. I'd fly in circles around those who loved me as a human and hope that I'd see them happy.

Communication

"The single biggest problem with COMMUNICATION is the illusion that it has taken place." George Bernard Shaw

Zeroing in a vacuum- OM

I try to meditate everyday. On the days that I do not get a chance to, I feel incomplete. Meditation and yoga ground me and breathing becomes much easier. Anxiety is relieved; new solutions and new ways to approach a problem often appear. More than anything, I am slowly regaining my ability to focus deeply. 

I saw this interesting paragraph on yoga-

The most important teaching of yoga has to do with our nature as human beings. It states that our "true nature" goes far beyond the limits of the human mind and personality--that instead, our human potential is infinite and transcends our individual minds and our sense of self. The very word "yoga" makes reference to this. The root, "yuj" (meaning "unity" or "yoke"), indicates that the purpose of yoga is to unite ourselves with our highest nature. This re-integration is accomplished through the practices of the various yoga disciplines. Until this re-integration takes place, we identify ourselves with our limitations--the limitations of the body, mind, and senses. Thus we feel incomplete and limited, and are subject to feelings of sorrow, insecurity, fear, and separation, because we have separated ourselves from the experience of the whole.

Many people ask me what Om means. It is difficult to explain Vedic philosophy to anyone who is not familiar with it because it carries with it a healthy respect for all the three elements of nature- creation, preservation, AND destruction. Most people get confused about respecting "destruction"- it is viewed as negative, and understandably so. Destruction can also be liberation- destruction of ego; destruction of too many material things so that we are not a slave to these things anymore; destruction of illusion which then reveals the higher truth. Here is a good definition of OM (AUM)-

When taken letter by letter, A-U-M represents the divine energy (Shakti) united in its three elementary aspects: Bhrahma Shakti (creation), Vishnu Shakti (preservation) and Shiva Shakti (liberation, and/or destruction)