Another battle lost

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to see you anymore. It's too hurtful"

This is how it ends. A beautiful friendship that we both had cultivated and maintained for over 9 months now.

I met Eric at Bar Lubitsch, a Russian bar in Hollywood. He struck me as easygoing, gentle, and lovely to talk to- all the qualities that I would look for in a friend. In this city full of poseurs, people like Eric are a breath of fresh air. We hung out subsequently, grabbing dinners/ drinks, watching Bollywood films (Eric is obsessed with Indian music and Indian culture), etc. He invited me to several concerts; none of which I bothered to attend because I was too busy with theater and other activities at that time. However, he was always understanding and made the effort to catch up with me.

Around January of this year, Eric asked me if we were ever going to date. I lied- I told him that I could not offer that to anyone at that time. He understood.

I was going through a difficult time in February of this year, both professionally and personally. I decided to remove myself from all social settings and just spend my time meditating. I would wake up every morning, my fingers cold and my heart even colder, with tears in my eyes and my heart aching. I would ask all kinds of questions to myself and god- it was difficult to get any task done at that time. But I somehow pulled myself out of bed to attend singing/ dancing/ acting classes. In hindsight, I really thank my professors at that time, who pushed me to give my best in every scene possible, which caused me to forget about my grief for some time.

All of a sudden, another blow hit me in April of 2011, when I realized that I was lied to and cheated on in the worst way possible. I crumbled to that ground as soon as I reached home that night. I could not think- everything was sinking in and my stomach was being twisted. It felt like a dagger was stabbed into my heart. I decided the next day that I was going to date again, and who better to date than my friend Eric, who is reasonably attractive and has feelings for me too. Soon after, Eric kissed me. We went out on his birthday, and he held my hand when we walked the Venice Beach together. Here was a guy who wanted to offer me everything that he could, but I was in love with someone else altogether. Life is a big practical joke, I said to myself as I decided that I could not date anyone else. Instinctively, I know that I am going to end up with the person I love- just give it time and lots of love and patience, Shreya. 

So, I meet Eric, and break it to him as gently as possible, that I could not date him anymore- I am too broken inside. Another lie. I am always full of capability to love- no matter how bad things are. It is just one of those gifts that god has bestowed upon me. He understands, again. I am too embarrassed to talk to him again, so I don't make any efforts to reach out to him, until he reaches out to me again in June. Soon after, we meet once again and we go out to El Cyd, this Mexican bar in Silver Lake. God, it is so much fun to hang out with Eric- he really makes me feel like I have a friend in this world. I got a little tipsy and make a mistake- a joke turns into my falling into Eric's arms, and he makes the fullest use of this moment to kiss me. He picks me up as we walk back to my car (Eric is 6'4"- a slender giant with the gentlest blue eyes ever) and tells me that there is nobody else he would rather spend time with walking around the neighborhood. He takes me to his room- there is a poster of Goddess Kali and Lakshmi on the walls. The room is full of music and weed parapharnelia. I take off my shoes and curl up on his futon- he kisses me again. He kisses my hands, my neck, my stomach. I ask him to stop. Frustrated, he asks me the reason for my hesitation. I tell him the truth, for the first time- I have unresolved feelings for someone else. I am sorry. He seems confused, but appears understanding. When I am ready to leave, he pulls me against him and says, "God, you're beautiful, but you're so mysterious. Am I going to see you again?" "Of course, silly. What, do you think I'm going to disappear somewhere?" I try to joke. I feel miserable- guilty, upset, selfish. You name it. 

Tonight, I wanted to see him again. I called him and he came by. We went to eat dinner. I try to pretend that nothing happened between us that day. We walk around Santa Monica Third Street for hours looking for a bar, before deciding to just sip beer at my place. At my home, as I offer him the beer, he sips a couple of sips and blurts out "I think we should address what happened that night. It is very difficult for me to do this hot and cold thing. You're the only girl that I ever fell in love with." I cannot bring myself to meet his eyes as he says these words. I really fucked it up. I say sorry to him and tell him about my love for another man, at which point, Eric gets up and tells me that it was completely unfair for me to play this game. What game, I ask him? I've been naive but I don't play games. I apologize, again, and he tells me that I should indeed feel sorry. He says that he enjoyed knowing me, but he cannot see me ever again.

He takes off in his Volkswagen, leaving me lost in my thoughts. Another friendship lost because of feelings coming in the way. Another guy who tells me that he can't be my friend because I am too attractive to him.Why? God, I'll miss him- his blue eyes, apple red cheeks, sweet smile, easy demeanor, honest opinions. We are way too different- he plays life safe, I thrive on taking risks. He mistrusts people; I trust everyone until proven otherwise. We would have never worked out as a couple, but we had potential to be really good friends.

Another battle lost. God bless you, Eric. May you always be happy and smiling.

Sleeping Beauty

Put me to sleep- then let my prince come and wake me up with a true lover's kiss.

I deserve better

I deserve better- is this myself talking or my ego?

Either way, I feel that I do deserve better- after being told that I am loved, I need a follow up. I'm sorry, universe, but it's been over a month since that day. I need actions to back the words up. When I have complaints, I don't turn to the source of my complaint to voice them. After all,


‎"If people injure thee, grieve not;
Because neither rest nor grief come from the people.
Be aware that the contrasts of friend and foe are from God,
Because the hearts of both are in His keeping.
Although the arrow is shot from the bow,
Wise men look at the archer!"
Please reassure me that "I love you" means something- that the person understands their value and sticks to his word.

what does it mean to tame? From Le Petit Prince

“What does that mean?tame?” [asked the Prince]
“It’s an act too often neglected,” said the fox. “It means to establish ties.”
“To establish ties?”
“Just that,” said the fox. “to me, you’re still nothing more than a little boy who’s just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you.And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I’m nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes.
But if you tame me, then we shall need each other.
To me, you’ll be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world “

happier when I'm hungry

I'm generally happier on an empty stomach these days.

I went to at Ethiopian restaurant today for lunch. However, 15 minutes after I was served my food, I started feeling full. I asked for the check and the "to-go boxes". The waitress, shocked, asked me to "work on it" a little more. I tried to break my food into smaller pieces to try to eat more; however, my stomach just did not want to consume any more food. I desperately looked around and saw my hostess sitting there, eating her own lunch and chatting away. I decided to wait until she returned and brought me a box and my check. "You did not like the food?" She asked. "No, I come here all the time. I just have a small appetite, I guess" I answered her question.


Ever since my struggle with depression began, my appetite has largely been affected. God, I wish for a day when I will be able to eat comfortably as much as I used to eat when things were better. These days, when I'm full, my mind shifts to worry gear. A sorry cry for help.

I will wait forever

I will wait forever.
And if that day never comes
My life will not be a waste
Because I can say
That I waited all my life
For the one I love.

Scorpio rising woman

I'm a scorpio ascendant/ scorpio rising woman. Here's what the astrologers have to say about me-

Female

The Scorpio rising female is a mystery, to herself and to men. Sexuality is her most potent force and she attracts men in every crowd. She knows what she wants, and any man she becomes interested in will know it is he. She isn't afraid to approach a man either as a business partner or for a relationship of a more intimate nature.

This woman is a mind reader but she won't always let her partner know this...sometimes it's better to keep this knowledge to herself as a secret weapon. Passion is something a relationship with a Scorpio rising will never lack--be it as a screaming match or an all night party for two. She needs romance in the form of sensual fabrics, oils, and scents. She, like her male counterpart, expects any commitment to last forever and she will work very hard to accomplish this.

Scorpio rising can be very dominating and smothering--when she comes across in this manner it is a sure sign that she needs attention and reassurance. She will not tolerate an unfaithful partner and she will quickly make a plan of revenge, even if her plan doesn't extend beyond removing her cheating mate from her presence forever. Indeed, that is likely the worst fate, for once a man is in love with a Scorpio, he will never forget her.

Their relationship may dissolve into a love/hate type of connection and he may never see her again, but he will long remember the passionate nights they spent together in front of the fireplace, or the other nights he spent tied to the bedpost. He will be very hard pressed to find that combination of emotional faithfulness and sexual intensity again... unless he becomes involved with another Scorpio type.

Guilty as charged.

Damn near slapped him

"I feel bad for your parents. They are the stupidest parents I've ever seen in my life. I laugh at them when I think of them. Their daughter turned out to be a whore right in front of their eyes, and their boy will probably end up being a nobody."

I damn near slapped him for saying this to me. How dare he? Yes, there was a time in my life when I was promiscuous- and yes, I know that the world judges me for it. I was always loyal to him as long as I was with him. It was after I left the relationship that I began "whoring it out", so to speak. I bear the consequences of my indescretions. However, how dare he insult my parents, and how dare he say things about my baby brother?

I know better- I know how bitter he is, and whatever he is saying is not in the slightest bit true. We make our own reality. My brother will make his own. My parents are lovely people, and it is not their fault that I am flawed.

A Big Fat Indian Wedding

I don't have anything to give you today

Monday- early morning. 4th of July. Happy Independence Day, America, and thank you very much, the person who saved me the that day.

"Nothing bad will happen to me. It never does", I reassure my friend, as I leave her room at the Long Beach Hyatt that day. This statement would have been made sense had it not been pitch dark outside, at 2:15 AM. After hearing a lecture from her well-meaning family and cousins about safety, I carry my bags of clothes down the escalator and decide to drive home to Irvine after the grand wedding festivities. God, what a splendid way to enjoy the weekend! My best friends' cousin just got married to his sweetheart of seven years- I got to crash the wedding festivities- all 3 days of it! As my thoughts race back to the party, I do not realize that there are cops outside the parking garage. I think nothing of it, even after I do notice them. The parking attendant, a young boy, probably no older than I, and of slight build, approaches me, and tells me that he would accompany me to my parking spot on the underground level. "Why not?", I say to myself. As he walks with me, he helps me with my bags and proceeds to explain to me that he is doing this for my safety. Before I can ask any questions, I hear someone yelling behind me. I freeze in horror as I see a homeless man running towards me with something that resembles a baseball bat in his hand. More disturbing is the fact that I could barely walk, lot alone run in the sari and the six inch heels that I was wearing that day. The parking attendant runs in the other direction to distract the homeless man- they run around the parking lot twice, until my savior is able to get the cops to arrest the homeless man. He returns and apologizes to me for running away with my bag. "Are you kidding?" I exclaim, "You saved my life". He walks me to my car and tries to make small talk with me about the wedding party and the unsafe condition of Long Beach. I oblige and feel terrible as we reach my car. I have no money with me in my fancy clutch. I say to the attendant, "Thank you so much for helping me. I am really sorry, but I have nothing to give you today." "Oh no, please, ma'am. I just wanted to keep that guy away from you", he replies.

I hope that someday I am able to run into him again. Maybe then, I could repay him back for what he did for me that day, although no amount of cash would ever make up for his kindness. Thank god for small acts of mercy. Bless that boy.