After much thought and deliberation, I came to a conclusion about what to do next. I am going to become a Buddhist monk (or, more correctly, a Buddhist nun). I have decided to rescind worldly property, pursuits, and thoughts as I prepare to dedicate my life to Buddha's principals. Enlightenment awaits. I'll have to start clearing out my stuff soon. I still have a couple of months before I move away to a monastery.
This is how it ends. Or, how it begins. Depends on how you look at it.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Love brings back the dead...only if you believe
According to an ancient Greek myth, there was once a handsome musician, Orpheus, who fell in love with a beautiful woman, Eurydice. On their wedding day, Eurydice falls dead as Orpheus looks on in horror. She is taken to the underworld by Hades' workers.
Determined to have his love back, Orpheus wanders to the underworld. He charms everyone with the sweet music of his lyre- the ghosts, the rotting corpses, the strange creatures of the dark. He cries out to Hades and Persephone- "Love is so great that it even conquered your hearts and caused you both to unite. Please loan my love back to me. You lay your claim on everyone in the end anyhow." Moved by his pleas, the gods concede. He is allowed to take his love, Eurydice, back to earth with him. However, Eurydice is not to walk alongside him; instead, she is to walk behind him, carried by Hermes, the messenger god. Orpheus is not to look back at her until they reach the earth; else she will be taken from him again- this time, forever.
Overjoyed, Orpheus sets back on his journey to the earth. For a long time, he is able to keep his word; however, anxiety and worry begin to distract him. He doubts whether his prayers have indeed been answered- have the gods tricked him? He looks back once- and Eurydice bids him farewell.
I gather from this myth that doubt kills love; doubt kills faith; doubt kills any manifestations. When we make a wish, or a prayer, we can have anything we want; the trick is to believe that it will come true. In fact, the best thing is to believe that we already have whatever we pray for and to thank the universe for it as we pray. Most people wish with a strong sense of doubt that it will ever be realized- we are taught to believe that the world is a big bad place where there is no place for such weakness, such whimsical beliefs. However, I've always lived my life in this way- and so far, I can confidently say that whenever I ask with belief, I receive it.
Determined to have his love back, Orpheus wanders to the underworld. He charms everyone with the sweet music of his lyre- the ghosts, the rotting corpses, the strange creatures of the dark. He cries out to Hades and Persephone- "Love is so great that it even conquered your hearts and caused you both to unite. Please loan my love back to me. You lay your claim on everyone in the end anyhow." Moved by his pleas, the gods concede. He is allowed to take his love, Eurydice, back to earth with him. However, Eurydice is not to walk alongside him; instead, she is to walk behind him, carried by Hermes, the messenger god. Orpheus is not to look back at her until they reach the earth; else she will be taken from him again- this time, forever.
Overjoyed, Orpheus sets back on his journey to the earth. For a long time, he is able to keep his word; however, anxiety and worry begin to distract him. He doubts whether his prayers have indeed been answered- have the gods tricked him? He looks back once- and Eurydice bids him farewell.
I gather from this myth that doubt kills love; doubt kills faith; doubt kills any manifestations. When we make a wish, or a prayer, we can have anything we want; the trick is to believe that it will come true. In fact, the best thing is to believe that we already have whatever we pray for and to thank the universe for it as we pray. Most people wish with a strong sense of doubt that it will ever be realized- we are taught to believe that the world is a big bad place where there is no place for such weakness, such whimsical beliefs. However, I've always lived my life in this way- and so far, I can confidently say that whenever I ask with belief, I receive it.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I love you, Krishna
My Krishna,
How dearly I love you,
How deeply I care for you,
How blindly I trust you,
How faithfully I remain devoted to you,
How desperately I long for you,
How eagerly I await you,
How surely I know that you will arrive.
Give your lover one opportunity to serve you. My life will be fulfilled. My dark, beloved lord- my Kanha, my Murali-Manohar, my Shyam, my Gopal, my Brij- Bhari, my Nandalala. My heart calls out to you- please!
How dearly I love you,
How deeply I care for you,
How blindly I trust you,
How faithfully I remain devoted to you,
How desperately I long for you,
How eagerly I await you,
How surely I know that you will arrive.
Give your lover one opportunity to serve you. My life will be fulfilled. My dark, beloved lord- my Kanha, my Murali-Manohar, my Shyam, my Gopal, my Brij- Bhari, my Nandalala. My heart calls out to you- please!
Sweet reunion
Radha Krishna: The Reunion
RADHA: Last night my Lord came to me in my dream. It was again the beloved trysting place on the banks of the Yamuna. As of yore, I was in the jasmine bower. His flute made melodious music, and he walked up to me with his witching smile. After so many years, why should he have come to me yesterday? What does it mean? For years I have been looking for him: for a look from his dear eyes: for a honeyed word from his lips. Now, now he comes to haunt by dream. And that dream! When I was held in his arms, when his lips murmured the oft-remembered words of love, the dream came to an end. It was too sudden, and I am so afraid. I know not what it means. My heart is full of strange misgivings. Is it an evil omen?
KRISHNA: Radhika! My heart’s dearest!
R: That was my love’s voice! Yes! It was! And yet! It cannot be! He cannot come here now. He is too busy in Dwaraka. His days are spent with Partha, and his nights are spent in the arms of Bhama. How, then, could he think of me even in his dreams? And now, his voice. Like a whiff of perfume from some buried past, it comes to me bringing fragrant thoughts with it.
K: Radha, Radhika, can you not hear me? It is I, your Krishna!
R: (Goes up a few steps and sees Krishna) My Lord! My Beloved! You have come. Is it true? Or is it again a silver dream to shiver into a million flinders, like a picture traced on water? Tell me, my Lord, am I dreaming yesterday night’s dream to a finish?
K: No, my dear. I have come, at last: to rest in your dear arms. To look into your eyes: to touch your gentle hands: to hear the caress in your sweet voice.
R: My Shyam, you look pale. Are you hurt, my love?
K: Yes. I am hurt. Radha, I am dying, Radha. I want to die in your arms. So I have come.
R: (With tears in her eyes) So Rukmini cannot soothe your hot temples. Bhama cannot kiss away the weariness from your limbs. To me, to me, the Radha of your younger days, to me, you bring your pain. Master mine, to what do I owe this great honour?
K: Do you not know that you and I are one? One? Bhama and Rukmini are but moments in my mighty life. But you are different. In the beginning, I was yours and you were mine. Now the end is come. I have come home to you. Know you not how, when you ride in a chariot, a million trees and a million rivers meet you and pass you, they going one way and you the other? But have you looked at the stars? the moon? the glorious heavens? They are always with you. Even so, my love, the things of the world touched me, tried to hinder me. But I have passed them by. Like the heavens, you and thoughts of you have ever been with me, making my life one of joy, and hopefulness. In the horizon which retreats faster, the faster you travel, heaven and earth meet. Death is the end of my Quest. I am nearing the horizon and I knew you would be waiting for me there–at the Journey’s End, to fill my cup of happiness to the brim. In a world of inconstant things you are constant, and my heart aches for you. Take me, I am tired.
R: My lord, how came you to he thus? wounded? hurt? dying?
K: Radha, my task in this world of men is over. The purpose has been fulfilled. It is time to lay down the oars and say: It is all over. I am tired, Radha. I am hurt. I have become disillusioned. But it’s no matter. Let us go back to the days of our love. Do you remember them? Do you remember our first walk on the banks of the Yamuna?
R: Indeed, I do. Mother Yasoda thought you would be afraid to go alone in the dark, and asked me to go with you. I remember the look you gave me. It was half teasing and half tender. You made me blush red like the mantle I Wore. We went together. The moon had come up. The river, dark in the daytime looked golden now, and your hand touched mine. I spoke not a word, and you did not. But your touch woke up the strings of my heart, and the music of love flooded my being. You took me to the jasmine bower and spoke of your love. I could scarcely talk. I was so full of happiness. My whole frame thrilled with ecstasy at the thought that you should love me. How could I bear so much of happiness? ‘Krishna, my Krishn? I am yours. I am all Yours.’ I murmured the words and you took me in your arms.
K: Yes, my love. I was happy then. It was the thought of that night, and other such night that has kept me up through the dark days of the Kurukshetra battle. Now it is all over. I am free to come to you and your loving arms.
R: My heart’s dearest, how came you to be wounded?
K: A Nishada aimed an arrow at me and hit me.
R: Hit you, my lord? I do not understand! No, no. Madhusudana, you have destroyed the entire world! and you are hurt by a mere arrow! What Leela is this, my lord?
K: It does make me smile. But it is true. I was in the forest. A languor came on my limbs, and I lay me down under a tree and went to sleep. I was dreaming of you. Then, something stung my foot. I woke up and found an arrow embedded in my foot. I looked round and saw a Nishada walking towards me. He was as nonplussed as I was. Lo! on a sudden, the truth dawned on me. Do you not know that my foot bears, as a birthmark, a beautiful bird?
R: Indeed, I do. Do you remember my saying that it is the one bird which cannot fly but walks the earth? Do you not remember how jealous I was because it could always, always touch you, while I could not?
K: This Nishada saw only that strange bird from a distance, but saw me not. He aimed at it and hit it, and me too, unwittingly. By God, it hurts. But your gentle hands are drawing out all the pain. This is the end that I was waiting for. To die, to die in your arms, with your tender hands caressing my hot temples, your sweet form cooling my fevered limbs. Radha, let us forget an this and think of Brindavan.
R: My lord, do you remember that moonlit evening on the river bank when you danced the Rasa with the Gopis?
K: Yes, I do. I was dancing, and, all on a sudden, I remembered that you would be waiting for me. I left the dance and ran to the banks of Kalindi to meet you. You were there, but angry with me.
R: Yes. Kumudini came and told me how, decked in sandalwood and flower garlands, with your saffron silk flying in the breeze, you were dancing with the Gopikas. My lord, I was hurt. I was waiting for you. You remembered me not. My mantle was the colour of the peacock’s throat. My hair was loose and perfumed, as you liked it to be. My form was bathed in the perfume of Ketaki and I was like a Kumuda waiting for the kiss of the moonbeam. But then, you heeded me not.
K: I was sorry. I came to you and you were there. Hurt, angry tears glistened in your eyes. I tried to take your hand, but you drew it away. I tried to touch your feet, but you fled. I followed you, but you heeded me not. You walked along the winding paths, like a streak of lightning walking the earth.
R: And you, my lord, followed in my wake, like a thundercloud. You called my name. It was like the voice of the swan. It thrilled me through. I wanted to rush into your arms. But my pride held me.
K: Oh, really love! Do you know how I longed for you then? Your mantle, a gleam of colour in that dark glade: the river snaking her way in a silver flood: the perfume of the night flowers: and the sweet fragrance of your streaming hair wafted to me by the cool night breeze: all these fanned my desire for you. You walked and I kissed the spots which your feet had touched, and placed my feet on the same spots. A thrill ran through me and I was almost faint. Suddenly you relented. Why?
R: Why? Oh, my love, I saw you kissing my footsteps. How could I hold back? I loved you, my lord. Again, do you remember, beloved, that day when Kalinga was vanquished?
K: Yes. We were in the jasmine bower. Suddenly Balabhadra’s voice called my name. My hair was all awry, and my golden mantle and your crimson silk were lying entangled on the marble seat. I can still see your terrified look when I tried in vain to clothe myself properly. You helped me with trembling fingers. Then we searched together for my flute and my peacock’s plume. Can we get back those beautiful days?
R: They are gone, indeed. My lord, when Akrura, the cruellest of men, took you away from us, Brindavan was bathed in tears. No one took heed of poor Radha sobbing unrestrained in the jasmine bower. No one except…
K: Yes, except me; I stopped my chariot on the way and came to you. I knew you would be there. Do you not remember? I took you in my arms and kissed away your hot salt tears and promised that some day I would come to you.
R: It is that promise that has kept me alive through these years of pain. From then on, all my moments coursed ceaselessly to and fro in an hour-glass that was your heart and mine: sealed up therein as sand within the chamber turned hour by hour to run and heap again from yours to mine: from mine to yours. But tell me, my lord, what strange love this is. Last night I dreamed of you. It was an omen. I knew that something had happened. How could I know? How is it that I knew? Others have loved, but not like this. When you lay down to dream of me, you melted into my dream. And when the arrow hurt you, my dream was hurt too.
K: My heart’s dearest, you and I are two hearts beating as one. You are the soul wandering in quest of God, and I am God. The time has come for the end of the Quest. I have found you.
R: My beloved, I do not understand. I am wandering to find fulfillment in you. Why then, should You come to Me? Is it not the other way?
K: So the world of men thinks. But it is not so. When a child, longing for the mother’s arms, cries aloud in the darkness, it is the mother, in her infinite compassion and love, goes in search of her child, and gathers it in her arms. When a Bhakta cries out to his Lord, it is the Lord Himself who takes up the pursuit and finds the Bhakta and gathers him into Himself. You want me and yearn for me. But my yearning for you is even more painful and intense. My love needs to be fulfilled in yours. I can be happy only when I find you. I have reached the end. I have found you. Radha, will you not come with me?
R: Indeed, my lord, my long lost dream is about to be realised. To be with you forever! Ever! Tell me what I should do.
K: Look there! the wood-cutters have felled those sandalwood trees. Make me a pyre. Then lift me on to it. Then–
R: Then, my lord! Into your arms! There everlasting peace will be found! Never to leave you! Never more to look for you! Your love overwhelms me (falls at his feet).
K: (Gathering her up) At last! At long last! I have found you. Come, let us ascend to the heavens on the wings of pure fire. Come, my dearest, my beloved, come.
R: I come, my love, my lord. I place my hands in yours. Take me where you will. I am yours. Do not leave me.
K. Leave you, Beloved? No, no, nevermore. We can nevermore be torn asunder. In the wilderness called love, we lost our ways. We searched for each other for an infinite number of years. But now the years of searching are ended. We have found each other. Hand in hand we will walk together into this wilderness again. But not to be parted. Come, my heart, let us, you and me, start anew our journey into the Realms of Love.
I love you, Shri Krishna.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Today
Today, I feel drained. I feel upset, I feel let down, I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well and I cannot find my way up. I feel that my life has no purpose- I could not accomplish one thing right- the biggest thing that matters to me in my life. If I can't even do that, maybe I should just leave, I said to myself. And just that moment, I saw the writing on the stone bench next to me- it said,"die". That's a clear sign, I thought to myself.
I felt light at the thought of death, like always. Just take off, leaving behind my legacy. He doesn't even seem to want to talk to me anymore. Am I that repulsive, that unpleasant, that depressing, that bad for people I love? Is it too much to ask for a conversation? For honesty? For trust? Please do not go around treating me with kid gloves. I'm grown up now, I'd rather hear the truth than believe in a facade.
I see it clearly now. My time has come- once the Florida trip is over, I'll have to take steps to carry it out. I really do not want to waste my life- I'm considering becoming a nun. Serve the higher being, because god is the only one who can offer me the love that I go around offering others in my life.
I felt light at the thought of death, like always. Just take off, leaving behind my legacy. He doesn't even seem to want to talk to me anymore. Am I that repulsive, that unpleasant, that depressing, that bad for people I love? Is it too much to ask for a conversation? For honesty? For trust? Please do not go around treating me with kid gloves. I'm grown up now, I'd rather hear the truth than believe in a facade.
I see it clearly now. My time has come- once the Florida trip is over, I'll have to take steps to carry it out. I really do not want to waste my life- I'm considering becoming a nun. Serve the higher being, because god is the only one who can offer me the love that I go around offering others in my life.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I was a pin-up girl
Karma
Things that happen to me today are no doubt a result of my previous actions- this is Karma. I would like to clear up all my Karma in this lifetime so that I do not have to return. I have done some bad things in this lifetime and I suffer because of them. However, I am more mindful today than I was a few years ago. Now, whenever someone does someone says or does something negative to me, I make a conscious choice to absorb the negative and not reflect it. Someone once asked me how I could be so good. I only have one answer to that- that's my purpose in this lifetime. I don't care how badly people treat me, I will not do the same to them or to anyone else. Someone has to stop the cycle of bad karma. I'll swallow the bitter pill because I know that I can bear that pain- I have the strength.I can hold my head high and live knowing that I am a good person.
I remember when I was young, I would protest and cry when my friends and cousins would trample over bugs and insects. I had a heart of gold- somewhere along my lifetime, I hardened and became cynical. But, today, I can say that I've gone to the dark side and returned, and I know what the other side looks like. I'm not stupid or naive- I know when people lie to me, hurt me, deceive me, dupe me, use me. I choose to smile and look past it all- people are beautiful with their flaws and irregularities.
May my mind always be full of purity and kindness towards all beings, so that I can run straight into my Krishna's arms when he pushes the recall button on my life.
I remember when I was young, I would protest and cry when my friends and cousins would trample over bugs and insects. I had a heart of gold- somewhere along my lifetime, I hardened and became cynical. But, today, I can say that I've gone to the dark side and returned, and I know what the other side looks like. I'm not stupid or naive- I know when people lie to me, hurt me, deceive me, dupe me, use me. I choose to smile and look past it all- people are beautiful with their flaws and irregularities.
May my mind always be full of purity and kindness towards all beings, so that I can run straight into my Krishna's arms when he pushes the recall button on my life.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Number 9- numerology
My number is 9- and this report is oh so accurate!
Number 9 is the most humanitarian of all numbers.
You are socially conscious, concerned about the betterment of the world, idealistic, visionary, tolerant, imaginative and creative, compassionate, romantic, selfless and generous. are also giving, sharing, loving, caring, noble and aristocratic.
You don't mind sacrificing time, money and energy for a better world. You usually finish what you start and you are ready to sacrifice without the need for reward.
Here are some of the career choices that might suit you particularly well if the number 9 is predominant in your chart:
Designer, photographer, politician, lawyer, teacher, healer, statesperson, writer, philosopher, artist.
Some of the following weaknesses, which are associated with the number 9, could slow down or even prevent your progress. But don't worry, it's very unlikely that all of the listed characteristics are part of your personality.
Most probably, only one or a few of them will belong to you:
You can be aloof, withdrawn, distracted, possessive, moody, timid and uncertain. You are often unsatisfied with achieved results and you might get disappointed with life's realities. You also tend to be careless with your finances.
Wow...really, this is all true!
Number 9 is the most humanitarian of all numbers.
You are socially conscious, concerned about the betterment of the world, idealistic, visionary, tolerant, imaginative and creative, compassionate, romantic, selfless and generous. are also giving, sharing, loving, caring, noble and aristocratic.
You don't mind sacrificing time, money and energy for a better world. You usually finish what you start and you are ready to sacrifice without the need for reward.
Here are some of the career choices that might suit you particularly well if the number 9 is predominant in your chart:
Designer, photographer, politician, lawyer, teacher, healer, statesperson, writer, philosopher, artist.
Some of the following weaknesses, which are associated with the number 9, could slow down or even prevent your progress. But don't worry, it's very unlikely that all of the listed characteristics are part of your personality.
Most probably, only one or a few of them will belong to you:
You can be aloof, withdrawn, distracted, possessive, moody, timid and uncertain. You are often unsatisfied with achieved results and you might get disappointed with life's realities. You also tend to be careless with your finances.
Wow...really, this is all true!
Monday, March 7, 2011
don't hate the drugs...hate the druggie
I have an addictive personality. It took me a long time to realize it- I always knew that something was amiss with myself- just didn't know what this was. I jump from vice to vice, from one deviant experience to another. I get a thrill when I engage in such behavior. Thank goodness I never chose to dabble in drugs. That would have been very difficult to let go of for me. I get addicted to other things- from simple things like soda to physical activities like long walks/ running. The high that I get is temporary- I want to keep recycling it. So, I decided to addict myself to meditation. I am able to sit in meditation for hours now- it's actually quite refreshing and uplifting. I benefit greatly from it.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Without you, I can't cope
"You try to be faithful
And sometimes you're cruel.
You are mine. Then, you leave.
Without you, I can't cope.
And when you take the lead,
I become your footstep.
Your absence leaves a void.
Without you, I can't cope.
You have disturbed my sleep,
You have wrecked my image.
You have set me apart.
Without you, I can't cope."
And sometimes you're cruel.
You are mine. Then, you leave.
Without you, I can't cope.
And when you take the lead,
I become your footstep.
Your absence leaves a void.
Without you, I can't cope.
You have disturbed my sleep,
You have wrecked my image.
You have set me apart.
Without you, I can't cope."
More
"I want to see you.
Know your voice.
Recognize you when you
first come 'round the corner.
Sense your scent when I come
into a room you've just left.
Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.
Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.
I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
"more"
Know your voice.
Recognize you when you
first come 'round the corner.
Sense your scent when I come
into a room you've just left.
Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.
Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.
I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
"more"
The agony of lovers
"The agony of lovers
burns with the fire of passion.
Lovers leave traces of where they've been.
The wailing of broken hearts
is the doorway to God."
"The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along."
"The wound is the place where the Light enters you."
"There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.
There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled.
You feel it, don't you?"
-Rumi
burns with the fire of passion.
Lovers leave traces of where they've been.
The wailing of broken hearts
is the doorway to God."
"The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along."
"The wound is the place where the Light enters you."
"There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.
There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled.
You feel it, don't you?"
-Rumi
Friday, March 4, 2011
I kissed a girl...and I liked it
I was lucky enough to get to kiss a pretty girl. Wow- what an experience. Women's lips are so sensual, so soft. Also, it's a lot more fun to kiss women because they enjoy kissing as well. They don't cut it short- they don't hold back on affection.
I'm surprised I didn't fall into bed with her. It took a lot of self control. She's beautiful, that girl- she's perfect- her dark hair, pale skin, blue eyes, red as apple lips. Nothing like me at all. I'm so attracted to her, and I know that this is just on a physical level, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying it.
I'm surprised I didn't fall into bed with her. It took a lot of self control. She's beautiful, that girl- she's perfect- her dark hair, pale skin, blue eyes, red as apple lips. Nothing like me at all. I'm so attracted to her, and I know that this is just on a physical level, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying it.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
fake it till you make it!
Really, this one works for me very well. I just go ahead and pretend that whatever I'm working towards is already there- until one day, I don't need to pretend anymore. It becomes ingrained in my head that it's there- that's when the real fun begins. Those vibes that I send to the universe are reciprocated back to me. If i focus on the lack of something, then all that I'm attracting towards myself is more "lack" of it. If i shift my focus on how happy I really am and how fulfilled I feel, then the universe picks it up and sends me more happiness and joy along my path. This, my friends, is called the "Law of Attraction"- visualize and let it go :) We all deserve to attract good things in our life.
I'm going to Venice Beach tonight and I look forward to touching the water :)
After all, I belong to the ocean...the sea is my home.
I'm going to Venice Beach tonight and I look forward to touching the water :)
After all, I belong to the ocean...the sea is my home.
The Art of Living
I went to a Yoga/ Art of Living Center today- it is located close to USC. They had a spiritual chanting ceremony for Shiva's special day, Shivratri. They chanted several mantras and the room was in a trance. I closed my eyes and let go of all my worries as I sat there for close to two hours. It felt amazing to me- the sensation of Euphoria. I felt like I was high on drugs, without actually doing them. This meditation thing is good for me- I don't even smoke anymore- haven't done that for weeks. I have given up drinking alcohol for some time as well. People may call me uptight, but I realize that it does me more harm than good to drink. It numbs me temporarily, but ultimately, I have to deal with my issues.
They say that Shiva is the kindest of all Vedic gods- he does not hesitate to grant his followers their wishes- whether they are good or bad people. He is called Shiva the "innocent"- guileless, ascetic, Shankar. There's another side to him- Rudra- the destroyer, the wild, fierce one. He's sometimes described as half-masculine, half- feminine- he is one with his consort, goddess Shakti. I am like him by nature- a wanderer, a renunciant, naive, unkempt, androgynous. I do not feel fearful at all of his "angry" side. I feel connected with him- I do not even need to vocalize my wishes when pray to him- he knows them as he watches tears stream down my face- I feel his hand caress my hair. "I love you, Shiva. Please protect me", I plead to him. I am sure that he hears me.
They say that Shiva is the kindest of all Vedic gods- he does not hesitate to grant his followers their wishes- whether they are good or bad people. He is called Shiva the "innocent"- guileless, ascetic, Shankar. There's another side to him- Rudra- the destroyer, the wild, fierce one. He's sometimes described as half-masculine, half- feminine- he is one with his consort, goddess Shakti. I am like him by nature- a wanderer, a renunciant, naive, unkempt, androgynous. I do not feel fearful at all of his "angry" side. I feel connected with him- I do not even need to vocalize my wishes when pray to him- he knows them as he watches tears stream down my face- I feel his hand caress my hair. "I love you, Shiva. Please protect me", I plead to him. I am sure that he hears me.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
It's Shivaratri today- Om Namah Shivay
During the samudra manthan (the churning of the ocean) by the Gods and demons, haalaa-hala, a poison, came out of the ocean. It was toxic enough to have wiped out all creation. At this juncture, on the advice of Lord Vishnu, the gods approached Lord Shiva and prayed to him to protect their lives by consuming this poison. Pleased with their prayers, and out of compassion for living beings, Lord Shiva drank the poison but it was so intense that something was required to cool its effects as his throat became blue. Help was taken from Chandra (the moon) and finally a snake was placed around his neck which cooled the effect of the poison and the throat remained blue. Thus Lord Shiva is also known as Neelakantha, the one with a blue throat.
Today is his special day. I fast today in his honour- he was the first one I turned to when I was a child. Om Namah Shivay.
Today is his special day. I fast today in his honour- he was the first one I turned to when I was a child. Om Namah Shivay.
Would I have been able to look myself in mirror ever again?
That's the question that I asked myself, after a producer made a sexual proposition towards me. It makes my head spin to think about it. I will never take that route to become successful. "That's fucking gross", I think to myself.
I remember what my ex wrote about me all too clearly. I am this "Marilyn Monroe" character to him- and it did make me realize that the legendary actress and I have several things in common. Sexual assault at an early age- check. Unhappy childhood- check- I grew up too fast. My ex noted that I have an ingenue charm, a combination of innocent and sexy, with an hourglass shaped body and a dark, breathy voice. Men lust after my body, but "nobody will ever stick around". I asked myself about that- I am a good person, I am patient, I am decent looking, I am somewhat intelligent, I do not demand much from people- then why is it that men only notice my body? I do not want to sound conceited, but I would be what many call a "package". Then why is love so difficult?
As per him, I am impulsive, and that is what is going led to my downfall- I am airy, I am stupid, I am naive. I trust too easily, and people dupe me and move on, leaving me broken to pick up the pieces every time. However, what he does not realize that I am very strong, and if anything, I was his support system for the 5 years that he stayed with me. He is much better off now- he's in medical school, with someone who wants what he wants. I am genuinely happy to see that- isn't that what loving someone means? I know how to love.
Why am I so sexual? Why do I feel so guilty about it sometimes? Isn't sexuality supposed to be a natural part of us? We are animals, after all.
What makes me happy?
Acting. Watching fun films and plays; Visiting new places- I descend from the gypsies- we are travellers by nature. Making people laugh- sometimes as my own expense; good food, and cooking good food for people; making new friends from all walks of life; Good sex*
*Good sex= sex with someone who means something to you, with someone you care for. The most enjoyable sexual experience I ever had was with an Italian economist from the Seattle area- but it was just that. Nothing more, nothing less. I've had better experiences than that.
What's stopping me from being happy?
Myself. There's no bigger truth than that. Wasting my time, waiting around for things to happen- it's fucking meaningless- I'm not getting any younger. Lack of movement/ stagnation- I feel trapped sometimes- I was not created to live a stable life. Not learning fast enough- I feel like I need to learn to grow. Limits- I don't like to impose limits upon myself- sometimes, I feel like I live in a parallel universe where they don't exist.
I want to retain my ability to take a leap without worrying about falling.
I am grateful for it- that's what pushes me forward everytime I fear.
Although I have traits that are similar to Ms. Monroe, I do not want to end up like her. I want certain things from this universe-
Honest, good friends. An honest, good lover- who would hopefully also be my best friend. When lovers are best friends, there is a great bond of trust between them- an unspoken understanding of sorts. That is beautiful. I hope that the next time someone puts a ring on my finger, it lasts forever.
Lovely children- one day. Even if they're not my own, I would like to nurture. I have a maternal side.
An Oscar for "Best Actress" would be wonderful. However, I can work on that myself. I'm confident that I don't need any help from any other sources for that one.
The ability to overcome obstacles.
Will I have all of the above? You bet- no doubt I will.
I remember what my ex wrote about me all too clearly. I am this "Marilyn Monroe" character to him- and it did make me realize that the legendary actress and I have several things in common. Sexual assault at an early age- check. Unhappy childhood- check- I grew up too fast. My ex noted that I have an ingenue charm, a combination of innocent and sexy, with an hourglass shaped body and a dark, breathy voice. Men lust after my body, but "nobody will ever stick around". I asked myself about that- I am a good person, I am patient, I am decent looking, I am somewhat intelligent, I do not demand much from people- then why is it that men only notice my body? I do not want to sound conceited, but I would be what many call a "package". Then why is love so difficult?
As per him, I am impulsive, and that is what is going led to my downfall- I am airy, I am stupid, I am naive. I trust too easily, and people dupe me and move on, leaving me broken to pick up the pieces every time. However, what he does not realize that I am very strong, and if anything, I was his support system for the 5 years that he stayed with me. He is much better off now- he's in medical school, with someone who wants what he wants. I am genuinely happy to see that- isn't that what loving someone means? I know how to love.
Why am I so sexual? Why do I feel so guilty about it sometimes? Isn't sexuality supposed to be a natural part of us? We are animals, after all.
What makes me happy?
Acting. Watching fun films and plays; Visiting new places- I descend from the gypsies- we are travellers by nature. Making people laugh- sometimes as my own expense; good food, and cooking good food for people; making new friends from all walks of life; Good sex*
*Good sex= sex with someone who means something to you, with someone you care for. The most enjoyable sexual experience I ever had was with an Italian economist from the Seattle area- but it was just that. Nothing more, nothing less. I've had better experiences than that.
What's stopping me from being happy?
Myself. There's no bigger truth than that. Wasting my time, waiting around for things to happen- it's fucking meaningless- I'm not getting any younger. Lack of movement/ stagnation- I feel trapped sometimes- I was not created to live a stable life. Not learning fast enough- I feel like I need to learn to grow. Limits- I don't like to impose limits upon myself- sometimes, I feel like I live in a parallel universe where they don't exist.
I want to retain my ability to take a leap without worrying about falling.
I am grateful for it- that's what pushes me forward everytime I fear.
Although I have traits that are similar to Ms. Monroe, I do not want to end up like her. I want certain things from this universe-
Honest, good friends. An honest, good lover- who would hopefully also be my best friend. When lovers are best friends, there is a great bond of trust between them- an unspoken understanding of sorts. That is beautiful. I hope that the next time someone puts a ring on my finger, it lasts forever.
Lovely children- one day. Even if they're not my own, I would like to nurture. I have a maternal side.
An Oscar for "Best Actress" would be wonderful. However, I can work on that myself. I'm confident that I don't need any help from any other sources for that one.
The ability to overcome obstacles.
Will I have all of the above? You bet- no doubt I will.
No adults allowed in this area without children accompanying them
At 10:30 at night, suddenly, I felt the urge to go out somewhere. Not at a bar or a club, but at a place where I could run free. I know of such a place- i said to myself. I run out, seizing the moment- it would be midnight soon, and the place may not be open then.
I decide to stop by at a park. I walk a couple of lapses around the park, reflecting on life and what it means to me. Bicycles are parked alongside the fences and a man in stretching around the bleachers. "Why is he stretching so late at night?" I wonder. Oh well! I can't complain about much really- the air is fresh, filled with the scent of night jasmine, and pleasant against my skin. My feet take me towards the swing. I remember how happy I used to be as a kid when i used to sit on swings and my used to push me up. Up, up and away I go!
I decide that I want to feel alive again- the same way that I did when I was six. I sit down on the swing and stretch my legs out. For a moment, I feel scared- what if the swing breaks from my weight. Then, I laugh to myself, "Silly, you're just 110 pounds now. You lost all that weight this week. The swing can't break from your weight." I laugh aloud- feeling the breeze on my face and enjoying the wonderful feeling that I get in the pit of my stomach. I swing for 5 minutes, until I see the written rules- No adults allowed in this area without children. I crack up- It used to be that kids could not go to these areas alone. The irony! Either way, I enjoyed my 5 minutes of swinging, and plus, when you break rules, everything's so much more fun.
I decide to stop by at a park. I walk a couple of lapses around the park, reflecting on life and what it means to me. Bicycles are parked alongside the fences and a man in stretching around the bleachers. "Why is he stretching so late at night?" I wonder. Oh well! I can't complain about much really- the air is fresh, filled with the scent of night jasmine, and pleasant against my skin. My feet take me towards the swing. I remember how happy I used to be as a kid when i used to sit on swings and my used to push me up. Up, up and away I go!
I decide that I want to feel alive again- the same way that I did when I was six. I sit down on the swing and stretch my legs out. For a moment, I feel scared- what if the swing breaks from my weight. Then, I laugh to myself, "Silly, you're just 110 pounds now. You lost all that weight this week. The swing can't break from your weight." I laugh aloud- feeling the breeze on my face and enjoying the wonderful feeling that I get in the pit of my stomach. I swing for 5 minutes, until I see the written rules- No adults allowed in this area without children. I crack up- It used to be that kids could not go to these areas alone. The irony! Either way, I enjoyed my 5 minutes of swinging, and plus, when you break rules, everything's so much more fun.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
My Krishna
I love my Krishna so much. He's wonderful, really. He fills me with joy whenever I need some uplifting, he fills me with hope whenever I feel like there is no motivation to go on anymore. He gives me signs everytime I ask for them. I was sitting at the temple today, and this one lady was singing. Her voice was lovely, beautiful enough to bring tears to my eyes. I shed a few tears as I asked Krishna why he has forsaken me. I felt like a little child in a playground, who cannot see his/ her parents and is surrounded by bullies.
I went outside the temple, and sure enough, I saw another sign. On my way back home, I saw several other signs. Once I was home, I turned on my laptop and turned on Pandora. I heard a beautiful song, which translates to something like this-
The destinations appear blurred
You lower your eyes for a moment
On the path where your head is heavy with pain
That is where you find the road to god
You change your destiny
with your courage, and you move along
my footsteps will serve as your guide
You may not be aware, but god is around you
Take a look at yourself
You walk, worn down by circumstances
Why are you so disheartened?
The lines of destiny on your hands
can be altered by your own courage
You can paint the world
with the color of your dreams
I am the one who always walks with you
So what, even if it turns dark
When the night takes over,
You will find my abode
and a new dawn will be bestowed
You may not be aware, but god is all around you.
Marks made by everyone are erased by time,
The ones who leave a permanent mark in this world
Are the ones who accept challenges as my will and fight them
Whenever you feel alone in this world,
remember, my shadow always walks with you.
I will be wherever you are
I won't leave you alone, even for a moment.
You may not be aware, but god is all around you.
There. This was what I needed. Another round of waterworks. I cried more in the past three weeks than I ever did in my whole life combined. Yes, sounds pathetic, I know, and I am the last person to shed tears- I have not done that very much at all in life- just not that kind of person. But, I felt a lot better after hearing this. It's almost everything that I was asking the universe for- and a confirmation that my prayers will be answered, as they always have been in the past- I just haven't bothered to ask for too many things, that's all.
My first marriage is with Krishna. Always and forever.
I went outside the temple, and sure enough, I saw another sign. On my way back home, I saw several other signs. Once I was home, I turned on my laptop and turned on Pandora. I heard a beautiful song, which translates to something like this-
The destinations appear blurred
You lower your eyes for a moment
On the path where your head is heavy with pain
That is where you find the road to god
You change your destiny
with your courage, and you move along
my footsteps will serve as your guide
You may not be aware, but god is around you
Take a look at yourself
You walk, worn down by circumstances
Why are you so disheartened?
The lines of destiny on your hands
can be altered by your own courage
You can paint the world
with the color of your dreams
I am the one who always walks with you
So what, even if it turns dark
When the night takes over,
You will find my abode
and a new dawn will be bestowed
You may not be aware, but god is all around you.
Marks made by everyone are erased by time,
The ones who leave a permanent mark in this world
Are the ones who accept challenges as my will and fight them
Whenever you feel alone in this world,
remember, my shadow always walks with you.
I will be wherever you are
I won't leave you alone, even for a moment.
You may not be aware, but god is all around you.
There. This was what I needed. Another round of waterworks. I cried more in the past three weeks than I ever did in my whole life combined. Yes, sounds pathetic, I know, and I am the last person to shed tears- I have not done that very much at all in life- just not that kind of person. But, I felt a lot better after hearing this. It's almost everything that I was asking the universe for- and a confirmation that my prayers will be answered, as they always have been in the past- I just haven't bothered to ask for too many things, that's all.
My first marriage is with Krishna. Always and forever.
Good person
I'm a good person when nobody's looking, and nothing in the world can change that. That's what makes me happy and proud of myself.
Optimism
I talked to my friend yesterday when she was over. Her negativity overwhelms me. I understand why we have fear- we want to protect ourselves. It's an inbuilt instinct- people who are close to us fear for our safety. Whenever I want to fly, those close to me are afraid, because they've seen me hurt before. I'm not a pretty sight when I'm hurting- my friends and family say that I look like a walking corpse. I internalize hurt- which is the worst thing anyone can do to themselves.
However, I've come this far because I continued to believe that I can achieve the impossible. I've taken many, many risks in my life. I've always succeeded because I believed that things can only go only my way- no other option. When you ask for something with a true heart, with such a strong belief, it is handed to you. Some people say that faith comes from miracles. Others know that miracles come from faith.
I feel positive emotions wash over me today. It feels like I'm on a drug- I want to ride this high over and over again. I never want this to subside. I made a list today of all the things that I'm grateful for. I cried out of happiness- a first for me. I am a complete person- I don't need anything or anyone to fulfill me. I feel alive today- for the first time in a while. There is so much in this world that I have yet to experience- so many places to see. So many people to meet, so much work to do! So much to conquer. So many hearts to win.
As I dance joyfully in my kitchen, my little brother kisses my cheek, hugs me, and says "There, there, my little whirling dervish, you're adorable. I love you". Tears threaten to fall down my eyes as i look up to him and say, "I hope you always love me and find me adorable, my little darling". I know for sure then, that no matter what, that we will be there for each other, always. I value my family so much now. I will never lie to them again. It hurts too much to be lied to- as I found out recently. I will always be honest with them. May god bless everyone. No one deserves to suffer.
However, I've come this far because I continued to believe that I can achieve the impossible. I've taken many, many risks in my life. I've always succeeded because I believed that things can only go only my way- no other option. When you ask for something with a true heart, with such a strong belief, it is handed to you. Some people say that faith comes from miracles. Others know that miracles come from faith.
I feel positive emotions wash over me today. It feels like I'm on a drug- I want to ride this high over and over again. I never want this to subside. I made a list today of all the things that I'm grateful for. I cried out of happiness- a first for me. I am a complete person- I don't need anything or anyone to fulfill me. I feel alive today- for the first time in a while. There is so much in this world that I have yet to experience- so many places to see. So many people to meet, so much work to do! So much to conquer. So many hearts to win.
As I dance joyfully in my kitchen, my little brother kisses my cheek, hugs me, and says "There, there, my little whirling dervish, you're adorable. I love you". Tears threaten to fall down my eyes as i look up to him and say, "I hope you always love me and find me adorable, my little darling". I know for sure then, that no matter what, that we will be there for each other, always. I value my family so much now. I will never lie to them again. It hurts too much to be lied to- as I found out recently. I will always be honest with them. May god bless everyone. No one deserves to suffer.
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